Weather has been nice. Cooler for me than the Arizona sun. Spring reminders of last year at this time, I can't just throw them in the closet and deal with later. That's what really leads to my breakdowns. Part of my therapy is to deal with it, I mean really deal with it. Maybe that's why I have been so quiet.
I have had pity parties, angry at life, angry at myself, and working on that forgiveness thing for self. Frustration and guilt parties. BUT not suicidal. I have also tried to keep it positive. Really, and that sounds the craziest of all.
There have been a lot of positive things in the last month.
I was asked to speak to some philanthropists that the art community of Mancus had applied for them to look the community over for grant money for the arts. I did well, introduced the work I had done with The Art Project, and the vision that I have for a kids at risk/in crisis program, working with the native american population. One of the men came back and grabbed my hand and thanked me. Why is it still so hard for me to be accepted? Mostly I feel like that child being bullied, and just wanting to hide, having nothing to contribute, because my peers have deemed me unworthy. I know deep down I have worth, and maybe I am asking for validation after all these years from those people.I hadn't really thought about that. hmmmm I KNOW that I don't need it, right? Some things follow for a life time...... I guess that's why its so important to get to our kids, so they can have a decent adult life.But who's going to save me?
I am told that the visit from those folks went very well. And it will be awhile before the arts district will hear. They were given the designation of a recognized art community, helps with funding I am told.
Believing in yourself, believing in me, is hard, so many mistakes, big ones, so many disappointments, you see even in speaking of this, where is the positive? Cause that's where I am at today.
I watch others around me struggle, I met the mother of one of my young art students, and she told me part of her story, she is Navajo, and I think I have struggles. This country has thrown away its Native Americans, and yet we bring in more outsiders to take care of when we can't take care of our own. Even the senior citizens. It is depressing to watch foreigners eat better than you do. Sorry, I have kept my politics out, I need to continue too.
Not having the healthy food in my life, does effect the brain function, and yet I don't buy crap food. There just isn't enough money to buy fresh fruits or veggies, there isn't enough to buy canned things. The commodities that are given to seniors and low income are not enough. To many starches, not enough variety of protein. I am tired. I know how to live on a budget, but ya gotta have something to budget. :) And so I go thru the list of positive. :) It just would be nice to have a tiny bit of disposable income.
I was asked if I would like to teach the summer program at The Painted Turtle. Plus put the program together. I have and will. 10 weeks, 5 days a week. 3.5 hours a day. Maybe I am worried about failing, that I can't do it. The weekly after school art program works well. But I am dragging when I get home and its just an hour.
At 62 I just had hoped I would not have to work so hard to keep the basics. Yes I have internet, I pay the couple in front of me 20. and most of the time it works. My 20 year old truck needs work, buying the basic for it, its impossible. I can only do the maintenance that I can. Soooo kinda see the month I have had.
My spiritual is hanging in there. My church messages to take care of the older ones, to visit, to call, to let them know they are an important part of the congregation, and yet since my phone call to my pastor, I have not had any calls since. Yes, he is just a man. Encouragement, acknowledgement of one another is important. I am doing the best I can in these circumstances. I am, aren't I? Wow...now I know why I journal.
I have been creating clay jewelry, and I am getting ready for the artisan show. Guess its a bit lonely here. And yet I like being alone. Most of the time. Maybe that's a control thing. Don't invade my space, kind of thing. sigh.....
So, now what?
Life goes on, that's a given. I guess more of the question is how? Baby steps, baby steps. I do tend to get over whelmed. I am used to the multitasking, ever busy person. She isn't there any more. I think that is a shame and a lost. Today, I have things to do, if I would just get up and do. Maybe that is depression, or just plain feeling sorry for myself. Or the combination, I need to have answers, and yet maybe that is the answer, that there is no answer.
Peace out Peeps. Life really must go on, we must remember we are worth it.
