I know, been weeks since I posted. Had foot surgery and its kinda been cramping my style. I am to have no weight on that foot, at all. I have this cool little push scooter that I get around with. Very thankful for that. I am terribly out of shape, gotta do something about it. I hope to get out of cast this week.
I have to much "think" time on my hands. And at times not good for someone who deals with depression and PTSD. And those of who read my blog, and deals with depression, know how hard it can be.
So, unto this weeks blog. I have been estranged from my youngest daughter for years. I have spoken of this before. My struggles, etc. The article at the end of this post, is what brought this up. Well continued it, anyway.
So, I call my 93 year old mother twice a day, every day to make sure she is ok and to tell her I love her. Last Friday night, when I called, she told me she had company, and I told her I would let her go so she could visit. Did not know who it was. Then she told me, and asked if I wanted to talk to my daughter. Talk about a blow to the gut. Thing is, I really didn't feel anything. I still don't. I think I should. Shouldn't I. So, she said she wanted to speak to me, I did not refuse. Its been 15 years since I heard her voice. Never seen the newest grandkids. I'm still not sure about how I feel. She talked, I listened. About her life, really nothing much. I talked, about my life, really nothing much. It was like speaking to a stranger. I didn't cry this time. I don't like that. I ask myself, is it because I really haven't forgiven her? Or am I just trying to make myself feel bad? You see, way toooooo much time on my hands. It frightens me that I don't care if she is in my life. That makes me sad, and want to cry. Whats so wrong with me? I know there must be an answer to this. I have to have an answer.
And so back to the mean mom, business, thats one of the things she tells people about me. I was a mean mom. And their day was the cool one. He even signed her papers to marry before she was of age. That makes me cry. She did not stay with this guy.
I know I didn't want my children to be hurt, to learn lessons the hard way. I really wasn't realistic. I always wanted to be the fixer, for my kids not to have pain like I did. I think all I did was give them a different pain.
Sorry, doesnt take away, the harsh things I did to my children. And I know that they will never understand. Mostly because I don't understand much of it. Thru therapy, I have learned that my anger at my life and the sexual abuse as a small child played a huge role. I am angry that it took me all my life to realize that and then take action. My children suffered muchly at my hands and anger.
And so, I don't know what to do.
bjw
http://www.scarymommy.com/im-mean-mom-not-cool-mom/?utm_medium=partner&utm_source=30days
