Maybe conflicted is not quite the word. I think there was anger, despair, disbelief, sadness, all negative emotions. For the last two years, I have struggled with my life. What direction I should go, is it Gods way? What do I do with my art? What, what, what? I am screaming and trying to maintain, what? I really don't know. I think I really am giving up. Not in the sense that I want to harm myself, just that I no longer want to question, to do, or not to do.
What prompted this? Since moving here, I have been unable to get my clay fired. I got involved with a place in Mancos which just showed me once again the selfishness of this world. A non profit, who continually took advantage of the volunteers. I have tried to ship my stuff to a friend, but it takes postage, postage that I do not have. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. I am feeling lost, very unsure of myself. Very, I really don't know what. And then a very nice lady offered to take my things to a place that's to far for me to drive on a regular basis, and not pay for, but her circumstances have changed, so that's off the table. I did have a tiny kiln that would fire stuff that had been fired once, but I guess it got to hot and now no longer works. That's what has been the final straw. And I am screaming again. It seems like I can't catch a break. There are more questions than answers. I don't like this feeling. And I don't know how to change it. Any craftsman need tools, the correct tools. a kiln is needed for me to do mine. Maybe I am not suppose to do my art any more. That's the message I am getting. Am I fighting the inevitable? Am I suppose to just give in, how long do I fight, where is the value in all of this? Am I creating the wrong kind of art? I am complimented on it all the time, but no one buys. Maybe that's the answer. When I am working in clay, I am happy. Maybe I am not meant to be happy, its punishment for trying to die.
And lets not forget about have some disposable income. Just got notice that I would get a raise on my SSDI, are you ready.....I go from 737.00 to 751.00. Now don't me wrong, I appreciate it. Its better than nothing.
I do want to just hide. I don't want to work on my art. I don't want to do anything that is for my self. I feel why, whats the bother. I don't have value.
I just don't know what to do. Or if I knew what to do, would I do it?
I just want a life, some kind of positive life. One that is productive, one that is more than surviving. I put in the work. So, whats wrong?
Money, money, will that really solve anything? This all stems back to the suicide attempt. Why did I live? To live like this?
Yes I am in a mood today. but I guess this to shall pass. Or not. I do not have much hope in the future.
bjw
