A new Start, maybe?

Its kind of a maudlin day. Not depressed. Just reflecting on my life. past and present.

http://www.countryliving.com/life/news/a42776/south-carolina-bon-haven-mansion-to-be-demolished/

This is what set my mind to thinking. There are so many empty buildings all over the country. Like the one listed above is just beautiful. With some love, and hard work, it could be upcycled to use for homeless, or in my case a wonderful place for another The Art Project llc.
Not on my budget, 737.00 just pays my bills. I know that there are companies out there who could help. maybe even have space in their own areas. They could even group together and sponsor projects like this.
Look at all the HUD money that was stolen from the people that could have been used for Art Projects such as the one I founded.
For the first time in a very long time, I am not sad or regret all the work that was put into the AZ Art Project. It worked.
And now when I see or hear just how hard it is for the mentally ill, the vets with PTSD, all who could benefit, our children who are autistic, all the "throw aways" out there. Why?  Because I think the US wants us to go away, to disappear. I do think the entitled do want to know what the real world is. And I do believe with proper medication, and ART, the practicing of putting paint to whatever, is awesome therapy.
I know that there is someone out there who can help. I appeal to any and all who might be able to assist with this.
I am not lazy, I have a great artist resume plus my work resume. I have had enough time to sit back and ponder. It is time to appeal to the all out there who have or wanted to start businesses. Whether for self to help others. In helping others, we are helping ourselves. Reflecting on how you first felt when you wanted that self employment. Let us show others that they too can succeed in this world.
https://www.facebook.com/theartprojectllc/
Thanks
bjw

Video with Will Smith. Face our Fears

I hope this posts..Cause it goes great with todays post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvkawQkkfj8

It's a looog road to recovery

I really wish I could post every day on this blog. The last few months have been very challenging to me.
Seeing my therapist today, was a day full of questions on my part. Questions that are important for me to continue with a positive recovery. As any of you know who have read my blog, know that I have struggled most of my life with some kind of mental illness.
We have sunny days now, and I am feeling better. So now I feel its time to move forward again in a positive way.
Control issues, or lack thereof.
Not accepting my limitations.
I continue to hide stuff in my "closet".  I want to stop that
So, much again.
I have reconnected with my second oldest granddaughter. Which has brought about a lot of trauma memories about her mom. I thought I had laid it to rest.
I have always worked. Being a mom and wife. Always trying to find ways to earn extra money while staying home. I wanted, needed my children to have better than I did growing up. Too late did I realize that the greatest thing I could give them was me.
I was always afraid of being on my own. FEAR destroys. I had never been trained to be any thing but a wife.  No clue to being a parent.
We talked about what I considered to be my laziness. Since coming to Colorado, I have not felt like working outside my home. I was scared I would fail......and what is failure? Fear again. And then guilt.  And so we talked about my "laziness".  I am 63 years old. I have enough for my needs. We talked about things that are out of my control. I need to really step up the reality check. I tell myself that I can't work on my clay, cause I have no way to fire it. OK. but I should not allow that to stop me from being productive. Yes here are physical things that I can't do. Also, will be having some surgery on my right foot. I will not be able to drive. Instead of focusing on what I can do, I always seem to concentrate on what I can't. W want to work on replacing the negative with the positive.  Its an entire lifetime of these thoughts, and of course I want instant fix. Just like I want to fix others. Why do I need to do that?
I really need to work on control, what I can control. I am used to get it done. And now when I can't, I feel very much a failure. Its hard looking back on the positive and allow myself to accept the fact that I made a difference in someone else's life. That I am not lazy or a failure. That its ok for me to be taking it easy now. I should not feel guilty.
My PTSD is always going to be here. But continued work on the positive will help me have a better quality of life. And that is my goal.
I think in earlier posts, I spoke briefly about my youngest daughter. I had not even realized that I had not shared that with my therapist. I guess I was so traumatized with the minister thing, which was consuming me.
So, now I can move forward, even if its dealing with past trauma. Cause thats how it works in order to heal. Thats important to me. To be proactive. I have legitimate traumas which cause me great pain, but I also try not to add to that trauma, with drinking, or any other self defeating things.
I think that I am a bouncy ball when talking about my life. My thoughts can be very jumbled to the on looker. I am sorry for that, but the things I say, I know I am not the only one who has these thoughts. Good and Bad.
bjw

 

In Recovery, always....

This week I met with Shrink and then the therapist. A lot of tears with Shrink. But tears are cleansing, and a much needed tool to recovery.
Anyone who has used substances, and quit, will always be in recovery. Don't let anyone tell you different. We must always be on guard, its not just "I'll have one drink, or one hit".  Even I know that I am one thought away from committing suicide. It scares me that, that is how it is. Almost a year of not having those thoughts. But coming really close. That's why I make use of the therapy opportunity and if I need drugs to balance out my chemicals, I'll do it.
Does that mean, I still don't think my life is not worth living. No, I still feel very lost, and lonely. But living in a new place is not a constant reminder of bad decisions, mistakes, just life. That helps a lot staying centered. I am still sleeping a lot during the day. Watching to much tv, as I don't want to think about things. Its hard not to think of the past, good or bad. The only way I can cut  that out of my mind is to keep it busy.
I am back doing some painting, trying to finish some I have started. Its helping. I am taking it slow, and on my own terms. Which means I'm the boss. Hard to slow down. But one of the main changes is finally beginning to accept the fact that I can't really work on clay for the time being. I do have a talent that needs to be used.
Plus we had a lot of good weather days. And the dogs and I took a walk. There is rain now, and I don't know for how long. But I am planning a road adventure with the dogs to look for rocks and glass next week. I'm calling  it a Self Care Project. Which all of us need to do. And like so many, I always have a lack of money issues. By the time the bills are paid, not much left. But at least thats getting done.
I am going to try and think of more self care projects. I hope I can do it. And do my art.

My Yesterdays....Regrets

As I have gotten older, a loner, dealing with a mental illness, is like making a cake, sort of......Anyway, lots of regretful thoughts going thru my head. And some of it is the result of the strict teaching of my church......when you teach, you need to have a balance.  The good and bad of it. So this is the day of regrets.
I regret spanking my young son for spilling his milk. He was in his high chair. We were taught that even children were sinful and so we must be strict. There was no love taught to go with it, in my area. I want to make it perfectly clear these are my memories.
But there was not hug to tell your child that you loved them. If your child misbehaved at church, you took them to the Mothers Room and wailed on them, they would either cry themselves to sleep, or just stay in the back till services were finished. We had 2 hour services, kids were expected to stay quiet on the floor on their blanket,  No wonder non of my children wanted anything to do with the church. All they saw was negative. All I saw was negative. .My children were spanked for everything, but never hugged up and told that it was ok, we make mistakes. But I still love you. But that didn't really happen. I would love on my kids, bug it seemed they were being disciplined more than loved. I so regret that, Immaturity, naivety, stupidity, all of these played a part in the destruction/dysfunction of my family. We only get a small amount of time with our children. And I know there are/ were books. Dr. Spock was totally off his rocker. Couldn't some one come up with a common sense.  We had a man who was interpreting the bible for us. I get the main things, the 10 commandments, Gods holy days, I still do and practice them. We were taught not to question our ministers, to accept. I regret that.....We were so in fear of being "marked", put out of the church, for asking, cause that meant we were causing dissension, we were a trouble maker. I regret that, I regret not standing up for all my principals. I regret that fear, you cannot teach love, with fear.
I do not regret having my children, just wished that I had of been worthy of that gift.
The biggest thing I regret is not loving my children, as I hope God loves me now. I always associated punishment with love...makes no sense. Right?  So from 1972-2000 during the time my children were home, I had lots of time to screw them up.
The church taught, if we were having any mental issues, it must be of Satan, therefore we needed to pray, fast more. When my youngest daughter was molested by a couple in my church, we not only didn't seek any help, but the local church turned its back on us.  I regret so very much not finding a psychiatrist for my child.. I failed her again. I was to busy trying to do what the church expected, than the health of my child.
We each of free will. Yes. But being indoctrinated from basically birth, we have learned a habit, not sure if brainwashing is the right word. But it did influence my life. It still does. But I hope I have found my balls and will not follow as I did before. God's word is God's word. But it is up to us to do the right thing. Not because some man tells you to. Being respectful in all things.
I regret not reading to my kids. I regret spending more time trying to make money to give them things, than just giving them me. I regret seeing some of the results of my child rearing continuing.
I regret not seeing my youngest daughter get married. I regret all the anger that seemed to be directed at my children. I regret it taking so long to find any kind of answers to fix this. Its un fixable at this time.
I regret all my fears taking over my life.
Most of all I regret not loving my children, and that its to late to fix it for my kids. Not for me, but for them. I do know the Bible teaches love, its not all about sin and what our punishment is. I regret living in the fear, that the fear itself was so overwhelming, that it still rules my life in some things.
I regret giving in to my younger children out of guilt. I had been so hard on the 2 older ones, so I went over to the far side. I regret not teaching myself to take care of myself.
I regret not standing my ground and leaving Tucson, because my church told me to follow my husband. I had it good there. I regret not having enough faith in myself, and love for myself, enough respect for myself.
I regret teaching my children to fear and be angry at life.
I regret the fact that it is to late to fix certain things.
Now, I have choices, I must not let my regrets steal whats left of my life. But they will always be a part of me and my life. And writing about it might help someone take the time to question themselves, motives, dysfunctional behavior.









 




 

A thought from FB

Bitterness?

bit·ter·ness

ˈbidərnəs/

noun

1. 1.

   sharpness of taste; lack of sweetness.

   "the lime juice imparts a slight bitterness"

   synonyms:

   sharpness, acidity, acridity, tartness, sourness, harshness; More
2. 2.

   anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly; resentment.

   "he expressed bitterness over his dismissal without notice"

Today this is a subject that has been on my mind a lot too.  I thought surviving the suicide attempt was a challenge, and yet a year later, its not dying that's on my mind, its the living. To much time on my hands, means my mind has to many thoughts. 

And "bitterness" is one of those thoughts, its a really huge thought. In fact its a thought compounded by my church upbringing as well. It seemed we were always reminded of becoming bitter about "trials" that are taking place in our personal lives. But not really taught how to keep from becoming "bitter"

It seems my life, my families lives have had more than a "fair" share of trials. I do not want to be "bitter". I need to not be "bitter".

But I am tired. But I want to live, need to live. I have many thoughts of why me?  What did I do wrong to bring this kind of trials. How could I have done differently any thing?  I was very encouraged last year when I volunteered at the art studio in another town. But I missed my own place. But you do what you do, so that you can have some kind participation. I have been fired from a job once in my life....Labor Board found in my favor and I was vindicated. The second time I was fired from the volunteer position. Which, there was a misunderstanding. And instead of standing up for myself, I went into protection mode. I hate to say it, but fired from a volunteer position. sigh......really bothered me. The job gave me a sense of self worth, and I definitely was feeling better about life in general. Was putting myself out there. Even trusting a bit. And wham, out of the blue, thrown away. And that's how I felt.  And then this, feeling sorry for my self, and this "bitterness" starts creeping in. And I want to dwell on it, and I want it fixed. I want to be "treated fairly". But whats "fairly"?  And I am reminded of a conversation dealing with professionalism. It never crossed my mind, just how differently people look at what is considered professional. That was a wow moment, plus a great educational moment. 

Works the same with fairness/bitterness. I have always been able to eventually pick my self up, except for the suicide. And even after that, it took a lot of time to begin again. I miss doing the teaching, the interaction, especially helping other artists who don't have a pot to pee in, nor a window to throw it out of. That's how my art history has been. I have worked hard, scrounged things, had jobs, even second jobs to get room for others who did no have. Helping them understand how hard work has payoffs. And that is what The Art Project LLc, came about in 2014. 

Any way, here comes that bitterness sneaking in. So now, I am trying to come up with ways, centering on good stuff, coming up with ideas, that will allow some kind of art sanctification, and as I think of that, I am feeling very selfish, and yet I know that I must be well before I can help others, and I am not doing so hot now with my attitude.

Its a vicious circle...........I have the talents, to not just teach the art, but how to run a business, (then I laugh, cause I'm sure not doing it)  How to do it on a shoe string, and the businesses never had debt. 

So, now I sit here, putting thoughts down, that sound "crazy"  and yet is part of my battle. Battle with mental illness. 

In my mind, its all about the money. I never received any kind of payment or paycheck for The Art Project. Every dime and things I could scrounge, went into that place. I don't regret it. But had I had money for an attorney, I believe the place would still be open.  Opportunity for "bitterness" to take root. .

It seems to have gotten the worse since coming back from taking care of my mom.  I don't know why, if I did, I would fix it. It seems the more I want to move forward with my art, and a project. And I think about all the things in my past life, and always seemed to go down to money. Cause I worked hard, didn't need a big house or fancy cars. Just wanted my kids to have better than I had. Money was not spent on non necessities, hell we couldn't even afford to buy happy meals. 

In those days, I always felt, working hard, being honest, was the American Way, people on welfare could work their way out of that lifestyle. It was humility to be on welfare. 

So we worked and worked, I created a job so I could be home with the kids and still maybe contribute, and art was and is my passion. I did have some success in those years. Enough to buy shoes when the kids needed them, not making them do without to long.

And now today, at 63, I think, why?  There are generations who welfare is their way of life. So, working your ass off, gets you nothing, 735.00 a month in disability  a 25 year old car, I am very thankful for. I do have a decent rental house. Utilities are very, very expensive here in Cortez. There is help with heating. None for electric. And after a year of living on 66.00 in food stamps per month. I now get 190.00.  And yes, if I want a steak, I will buy one. I get no other assistance.

Now, if that isn't a whammy, and for a awesome opportunity for bitterness to move right on in. I not sure what isn't. 

Thought I might have found a way to fire some of my smaller stuff. All I wound up with was a pile of shattered stuff. Bitter?

I really hope not. At the moment I post this, I will go back to working on some new jewelry pieces. And keep my mind on the talent God gave me. Hopefully working on what is around the corner, that may be a good thing, And moving in that positive direction. 

Writing this, is showing me, that I have that choice, and I think I have allowed bitterness to slip in. And I don't like that. So, I am back to baby steps, Praying that God puts a stop to that thought.                          

Not putting the offense in the closet to be dwelt with later, but to deal with it now, I have identified the issue, considered many ways of consequences of what my solution actions will be, and then do it. 

It is the only way to move forward. And the last couple of days, I have wanted to move forward again. Baby steps, my own advice. I must do that. 

Hanging tough is tiring. It wears me out. Part of it, is now my age. And the other is my mental issues. Don't give up.  I'm doing my best not too. Peace out. 

These are 2 pieces I created the other day. They are un fired porcelain and stoneware clay. Very unfinished in  this stage,  That is part of the problem is I have no way here to fire these in a timely manner. Sigh.....but it is what is is.