Not a Pissing Contest

I know that the world is filled with many people way worse off than me. But it is my time for self care. It never has been. At 63 years old, where do I fit in. Should I have expectations of fitting in?
All the cliches of, read your bible, have faith, goodness is just around the corner, be thankful for what you have and it goes on and on.
Well growing up in a church that, taught you, do the right thing, live as Christ would. Thinking of self was selfish. Serve others. You must be doing something wrong if your not being blessed, or it was your lesson to teaching someone else. And we never ever questioned. Never. Never.
Now, I don't know if I am without faith. I know God is real. And faith is trust and trust is faith.
I was reading the bible, going to church, doing my best to live the way Christ would want me to, when my child died. And he died during the FOT. I was told it all happens for a reason, and we may never know that reason. Ok....move forward. Attending church, praying, bible study, teaching my children Gods way. That's what I knew, and I believe it. Praying for my family, the ministry, others. Being thankful. But maybe I wasn't praying enough, I wasn't being thankful enough. I find myself thinking that the consequence of a bad decision follows us forever. That it never goes away. As with the world. An acceptance that, thats what it is. And thats all it is. I may be able to find peace that way.
I was doing all the above when my child was molested by a couple in my church. When church members blamed this child for it. 'When my pastor told me it wasn't his fault, when looking for some kind of understanding. Wanting to deal with it Gods way. Protection of my family.
Oh, the house fire, destroying not only my home but a art business. Always scraping by. Hard work, staying home so I was with my children, trying to supplement our income with a home based business.
Husband of over 20 plus years, decides to pick up and move, and he wants to just walk off and leave everything and start over from scratch. Because he was in the church, it was my duty to follow him. I did, right into hell. He moved us 1500 miles away, and then would not work. To far to attend church he said, so he quit. Now, I am stuck in a area that is so back woods, and no way to go to church, I am lost and angry. I get anxiety now just thinking about it. I gave up my home, a successful business, to do what I was told to do, and I suffered the consequences.
Guess I wonder where my support system was. It is non existent with my church now.
To not feel....joy and happiness is short lived, but loss and sadness lasts a lifetime. It always cancels out the good. Thats my life. You cannot undo a lifetime of that. The only way is to stop feeling. No more loneliness, no more sadness, no more disappointments, or let downs.I can tell you right now, its not worth the risk. If you live in bad, then your already there. I don't care. I really don't. I can stay in my tiny house, all alone, which must be my fate.
I miss my art friends. And I know that I will never get that back. I will never get my art business back. This is the second time, it has been taken from me. I finally realize that I am banging my head against a brick wall, and the head is about to explode.I would be so better off. Everyone would be better off. To no longer feel the guilt of doing my children wrong, and my grandchildren. No more the physco bitch from hell. No longer to have a child do such evil as to take away my home due to her actions alone. Only a person so bad would warrant that kind of action. And I want and need to understand my purpose on this earth. Its really hard to imagine a future world for me, when this one is so crappy.

The Death of a Soul

Mine.....Depression is very sneaky. Even after living with it for years, it always sneaks up on me. Why do I even care? At the moment, I don't care. I am not suicidal, physically that is. It's not worth the trouble. I don't care that I feel valueless. I don't feel anything, actually. I can't even cry. Tears, really? This is what I feel when my soul is dying. Sad, disappointed, stuck, feeling sorry for self, tired of taking care of myself. Why should I care? Who is going to know or care if I shower today, or a week ago. Or that I wear the same clothes for a week.
The leaves are turning and falling to the ground. Thats how I feel. If thats a feeling. There is a strange calmness in writing this. I am not afraid, I am not anxious, nor sad, I am not nothing. There it is, nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing but the thoughts in my head of a past lifetime.

What is life?

What is life?
 An extension of the pain of birth. A sadness of failure, of missed opportunities, of no opportunities. A never ceasing, never ending attempt to climb out of the depths of despair. The reality of finally realizing that is your lot in life, that it has been the way of your life, acceptance is all there is now, just acceptance.
All that's left is death. The death of the soul. Not a physical death, there is nothing, nothing, without hope there is nothing. 
bjw

Neglected, but not forgotton

I have been very neglectful of this page recently. So much going on, trying to cope in a positive way with changes in my life. Fear, overwhelming ideas going thru my brain, wanting to help others in my situation  and yet having no one for myself. Face Book put me in jail for over a week.  Still have no idea what I did. When they are in their crisis, its what it is, and they look to you for support, and you hanging on by your toenails. I know its not health. But what if you are the one that turns them away and they relapse?  Not your zoo, not your monkey.  And that is the krutz of the whole matter. Self care, I am not the healer of all. I have to remind myself that I must come first, if I don't I die. I am constantly reminding myself of this. And I get tired. Very tired.  I call my son for tiny help, and to have his wife tell me I need to call her and she can take care of it. I want to talk to my son. I am here in CO. because of him. I do my best to take care of self. I don't ask them for help for that reason. But I am only able to physically do so much. Yes, I am tired, I understand now why the elderly will give up. I don't know so much I really care if I am alone, just would like some help to do physical things.
My kids summer art program started yesterday. I have one. I am happy that I am not overloaded. Did the Artisan show, in Delores. Did not sell a thing, and yet we had a full group of vendors and they seemed happy, wanted to know when the next one was. I just silently screamed. So, very tired. But will look into organizing a Fall Show.
Now I can get back to some new clay work.   I hope all of you stay in a positive frame of mind. It helps to write about it. Keeping a journal is a huge help for me. When its on paper, its like a release for me. One day at a time. One baby step at a time.
Peace Peeps
bjw


http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/big-t-and-little-t-trauma-and-how-your-body-reacts-to-it-1019154

What now? Life....

Can't believe its been a month, shy of a few days of being a month that I last posted. It can be a good or bad thing, maybe something in the middle. Journaling has always been helpful to me. This blog has been helpful for me. Maybe I needed a break, or got lazy, or depressed, or just too busy. Maybe all of these things.
Weather has been nice. Cooler for me than the Arizona sun. Spring reminders of last year at this time, I can't just throw them in the closet and deal with later. That's what really leads to my breakdowns. Part of my therapy is to deal with it, I mean really deal with it. Maybe that's why I have been so quiet.
I have had pity parties, angry at life, angry at myself, and working on that forgiveness thing for self. Frustration and guilt parties. BUT not suicidal. I have also tried to keep it positive. Really, and that sounds the craziest of all.
There have been a lot of positive things in the last month.
I was asked to speak to some philanthropists that the art community of Mancus had applied for them to look the community over for grant money for the arts. I did well, introduced the work I had done with The Art Project, and the vision that I have for a kids at risk/in crisis program, working with the native american population. One of the men came back and grabbed my hand and thanked me. Why is it still so hard for me to be accepted? Mostly I feel like that child being bullied, and just wanting to hide, having nothing to contribute, because my peers have deemed me unworthy. I know deep down I have worth, and maybe I am asking for validation after all these years from those people.I hadn't really thought about that. hmmmm  I KNOW that I don't need it, right?  Some things follow for a life time...... I guess that's why its so important to get to our kids, so they can have a decent adult life.But who's going to save me?
I am told that the visit from those folks went very well. And it will be awhile before the arts district will hear. They were given the designation of a recognized art community, helps with funding I am told.
Believing in yourself, believing in me, is hard, so many mistakes, big ones, so many disappointments, you see even in speaking of this, where is the positive?  Cause that's where I am at today.
I watch others around me struggle, I met the mother of one of my young art students, and she told me part of her story, she is Navajo, and I think I have struggles. This country has thrown away its Native Americans, and yet we bring in more outsiders to take care of when we can't take care of our own. Even the senior citizens. It is depressing to watch foreigners eat better than you do. Sorry, I have kept my politics out, I need to continue too.
Not having the healthy food in my life, does effect the brain function, and yet I don't buy crap food. There just isn't enough money to buy fresh fruits or veggies, there isn't enough to buy canned things. The commodities that are given to seniors and low income are not enough. To many starches, not enough variety of protein. I am tired. I know how to live on a budget, but ya gotta have something to budget. :) And so I go thru the list of positive. :)  It just would be nice to have a tiny bit of disposable income.
I was asked if I would like to teach the summer program at The Painted Turtle. Plus put the program together. I have and will. 10 weeks, 5 days a week. 3.5 hours a day. Maybe I am worried about failing, that I can't do it. The weekly after school art program works well. But I am dragging when I get home and its just an hour.
At 62 I just had hoped I would not have to work so hard to keep the basics. Yes I have internet, I pay the couple in front of me 20. and most of the time it works. My 20 year old truck needs work, buying the basic for it, its impossible. I can only do the maintenance that I can.  Soooo kinda see the month I have had.
My spiritual is hanging in there. My church messages to take care of the older ones, to visit, to call, to let them know they are an important part of the congregation, and yet since my phone call to my pastor, I have not had any calls since. Yes, he is just a man. Encouragement, acknowledgement of one another is important. I am doing the best I can in these circumstances. I am, aren't I?  Wow...now I know why I journal.
I have been creating clay jewelry, and I am getting ready for the artisan show. Guess its a bit lonely here. And yet I like being alone. Most of the time. Maybe that's a control thing. Don't invade my space, kind of thing. sigh.....
So, now what?
Life goes on, that's a given. I guess more of the question is how?  Baby steps, baby steps. I do tend to get over whelmed. I am used to the multitasking, ever busy person. She isn't there any more. I think that is a shame and a lost. Today, I have things to do, if I would just get up and do. Maybe that is depression, or just plain feeling sorry for myself. Or the combination, I need to have answers, and yet maybe that is the answer, that there is no answer.
Peace out Peeps. Life really must go on, we must remember we are worth it.

bjw

Moving forward in a positive way

An interesting last few days. I have been trying to find my art work that I had posted on FB, in order to rebuild my portifilo. Finding old family pics, bringing back happy and sad memories, beginning to dwell on the should ofs, could ofs. Then going thru The Art Project files, bordering on depression. So I let my mind fill with the thoughts, and then got out my tools and reminded myself, that, this is NOW and that is THEN. I cannot go back and fix it, to remind myself, that adults, have free will and do whatever they please. But I can have mercy and remind myself, that I am not perfect, life doesn't really come with a handbook. I am a believer in Christ and God, and yet being a human, I make mistakes, a lot of mistakes. How I take ownership of those mistakes, is on me. But not to the point of hurting myself. I must say that I am getting better, accepting of things happening better. Accepting my circumstances. I can only do so much. 

Yesterday, was a challenging day, I was having trouble with my sugar, and of course I didn't have anything with me, nor the money to buy something. I was at The Painted Turtle, had a wonderful Kids After school Class. And they love working in clay.Although they were high energy, I managed to complete the class and made it home alright. Had a meal. And better. This morning as well. 

Getting out of the house, is very good for me. Its just getting me there. The truck is sitting on empty, but Wednesday will bring my check and hopefully enough to fill up the truck. I won't ask my son again for money this month.  He is a fine young man. I am still creating clay pieces. That's a positive. I am continuing to promote the Artisan Fair for June. Positive.  Even got my dishes done, that's really a positive. LOL  Its kind of a dreary day. Rain off and on for rest of week. So, paperwork is out of way, I feel accomplished, I don't know why that is so important to me. The floor needs to be vacuumed, clothes put away, you know household stuff. But I tell myself, who's going to see it, I am the only one here, and the dogs don't care. As long as their chairs are available. I want to leave you with this thought. We can find a positive, every day, remembering its baby steps. Just one.....the pic I have posted is a great reminder for us. 

Have an awesome day, don't give up, take a baby step.

bjw

Coping

I tend to get quiet when things begin to overwhelm and I try my best to cope in an appropriate manner. Which means for me, not to think about death and dying. Little things have always led to big things, and then comes the one that will break the camels back.....so to speak........

This week, the laptop has finally died. My fault for not backing it up. In my mind its a total disaster. Why, cause its about money and the ability to replace certain things. My lifestyle is at the nill. My therapist reminds me of the fact that I can do it. Its not very comforting to know that. Especially when tools that I need, really need to help me stay focused. My computer is my lifeline to the outside world, I can control who I let in and who I don't want. I stay safe in my home, without the world busting in. 

Doing graphic design with Photoshop, lets my creative juices flow, plus I like to pay it forward with small businesses just starting out.  We need a nice business card, marketing tools, etc. without paying a fortune. I was never that lucky. 

Anyway, so I sit here today, not thinking about what is gone. I can't. I think of 15 years of files gone. Contacts, everything.  Yes I should have backed it up.My whole life should have been backed up. Oh yes, I found out I became a great grandma this week, on FB. whew.  It hurt my feelings. Sigh

So now comes the coping. Realizing that the files are all lost, I don't have a way to create any new ones, a lot of breathing......a lot of breathing.......

I did take time yesterday to do some clay work. I am so tired, physically, tried to get some stuff off of storage trailer. I did in fact find my clay stamps, most of them, just to old to be moving so much. Then a storm came in and really hurt my achey joints. When you don't feel well and you are dealing with your own crisis, it just hurts. 

So what now?  Baby Steps. Would really be nice to have someone looking after me. I mean really looking after me. LOL  would be nice to be very well off. chuckle... So back to baby steps. One of my personal survival skills, of the past, is to just push it in the closet, which is what I have to do today. I don't want to deal or not deal with the graphics issue, the computer issue. I can't do anything about it. sigh

Next step, work some more clay, have another cup of coffee, watch some tv and take my mind somewhere else. 

Sometimes our only coping skills is to just breath. And keep breathing. AND KEEP BREATHING. I am going to do my best to have a safe day, a good day. Peace to all of you.

bjw