A new Start, maybe?

Its kind of a maudlin day. Not depressed. Just reflecting on my life. past and present.

http://www.countryliving.com/life/news/a42776/south-carolina-bon-haven-mansion-to-be-demolished/

This is what set my mind to thinking. There are so many empty buildings all over the country. Like the one listed above is just beautiful. With some love, and hard work, it could be upcycled to use for homeless, or in my case a wonderful place for another The Art Project llc.
Not on my budget, 737.00 just pays my bills. I know that there are companies out there who could help. maybe even have space in their own areas. They could even group together and sponsor projects like this.
Look at all the HUD money that was stolen from the people that could have been used for Art Projects such as the one I founded.
For the first time in a very long time, I am not sad or regret all the work that was put into the AZ Art Project. It worked.
And now when I see or hear just how hard it is for the mentally ill, the vets with PTSD, all who could benefit, our children who are autistic, all the "throw aways" out there. Why?  Because I think the US wants us to go away, to disappear. I do think the entitled do want to know what the real world is. And I do believe with proper medication, and ART, the practicing of putting paint to whatever, is awesome therapy.
I know that there is someone out there who can help. I appeal to any and all who might be able to assist with this.
I am not lazy, I have a great artist resume plus my work resume. I have had enough time to sit back and ponder. It is time to appeal to the all out there who have or wanted to start businesses. Whether for self to help others. In helping others, we are helping ourselves. Reflecting on how you first felt when you wanted that self employment. Let us show others that they too can succeed in this world.
https://www.facebook.com/theartprojectllc/
Thanks
bjw

Video with Will Smith. Face our Fears

I hope this posts..Cause it goes great with todays post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvkawQkkfj8

It's a looog road to recovery

I really wish I could post every day on this blog. The last few months have been very challenging to me.
Seeing my therapist today, was a day full of questions on my part. Questions that are important for me to continue with a positive recovery. As any of you know who have read my blog, know that I have struggled most of my life with some kind of mental illness.
We have sunny days now, and I am feeling better. So now I feel its time to move forward again in a positive way.
Control issues, or lack thereof.
Not accepting my limitations.
I continue to hide stuff in my "closet".  I want to stop that
So, much again.
I have reconnected with my second oldest granddaughter. Which has brought about a lot of trauma memories about her mom. I thought I had laid it to rest.
I have always worked. Being a mom and wife. Always trying to find ways to earn extra money while staying home. I wanted, needed my children to have better than I did growing up. Too late did I realize that the greatest thing I could give them was me.
I was always afraid of being on my own. FEAR destroys. I had never been trained to be any thing but a wife.  No clue to being a parent.
We talked about what I considered to be my laziness. Since coming to Colorado, I have not felt like working outside my home. I was scared I would fail......and what is failure? Fear again. And then guilt.  And so we talked about my "laziness".  I am 63 years old. I have enough for my needs. We talked about things that are out of my control. I need to really step up the reality check. I tell myself that I can't work on my clay, cause I have no way to fire it. OK. but I should not allow that to stop me from being productive. Yes here are physical things that I can't do. Also, will be having some surgery on my right foot. I will not be able to drive. Instead of focusing on what I can do, I always seem to concentrate on what I can't. W want to work on replacing the negative with the positive.  Its an entire lifetime of these thoughts, and of course I want instant fix. Just like I want to fix others. Why do I need to do that?
I really need to work on control, what I can control. I am used to get it done. And now when I can't, I feel very much a failure. Its hard looking back on the positive and allow myself to accept the fact that I made a difference in someone else's life. That I am not lazy or a failure. That its ok for me to be taking it easy now. I should not feel guilty.
My PTSD is always going to be here. But continued work on the positive will help me have a better quality of life. And that is my goal.
I think in earlier posts, I spoke briefly about my youngest daughter. I had not even realized that I had not shared that with my therapist. I guess I was so traumatized with the minister thing, which was consuming me.
So, now I can move forward, even if its dealing with past trauma. Cause thats how it works in order to heal. Thats important to me. To be proactive. I have legitimate traumas which cause me great pain, but I also try not to add to that trauma, with drinking, or any other self defeating things.
I think that I am a bouncy ball when talking about my life. My thoughts can be very jumbled to the on looker. I am sorry for that, but the things I say, I know I am not the only one who has these thoughts. Good and Bad.
bjw