Seeing my therapist today, was a day full of questions on my part. Questions that are important for me to continue with a positive recovery. As any of you know who have read my blog, know that I have struggled most of my life with some kind of mental illness.
We have sunny days now, and I am feeling better. So now I feel its time to move forward again in a positive way.
Control issues, or lack thereof.
Not accepting my limitations.
I continue to hide stuff in my "closet". I want to stop that
So, much again.
I have reconnected with my second oldest granddaughter. Which has brought about a lot of trauma memories about her mom. I thought I had laid it to rest.
I have always worked. Being a mom and wife. Always trying to find ways to earn extra money while staying home. I wanted, needed my children to have better than I did growing up. Too late did I realize that the greatest thing I could give them was me.
I was always afraid of being on my own. FEAR destroys. I had never been trained to be any thing but a wife. No clue to being a parent.
We talked about what I considered to be my laziness. Since coming to Colorado, I have not felt like working outside my home. I was scared I would fail......and what is failure? Fear again. And then guilt. And so we talked about my "laziness". I am 63 years old. I have enough for my needs. We talked about things that are out of my control. I need to really step up the reality check. I tell myself that I can't work on my clay, cause I have no way to fire it. OK. but I should not allow that to stop me from being productive. Yes here are physical things that I can't do. Also, will be having some surgery on my right foot. I will not be able to drive. Instead of focusing on what I can do, I always seem to concentrate on what I can't. W want to work on replacing the negative with the positive. Its an entire lifetime of these thoughts, and of course I want instant fix. Just like I want to fix others. Why do I need to do that?
I really need to work on control, what I can control. I am used to get it done. And now when I can't, I feel very much a failure. Its hard looking back on the positive and allow myself to accept the fact that I made a difference in someone else's life. That I am not lazy or a failure. That its ok for me to be taking it easy now. I should not feel guilty.
My PTSD is always going to be here. But continued work on the positive will help me have a better quality of life. And that is my goal.
I think in earlier posts, I spoke briefly about my youngest daughter. I had not even realized that I had not shared that with my therapist. I guess I was so traumatized with the minister thing, which was consuming me.
So, now I can move forward, even if its dealing with past trauma. Cause thats how it works in order to heal. Thats important to me. To be proactive. I have legitimate traumas which cause me great pain, but I also try not to add to that trauma, with drinking, or any other self defeating things.
I think that I am a bouncy ball when talking about my life. My thoughts can be very jumbled to the on looker. I am sorry for that, but the things I say, I know I am not the only one who has these thoughts. Good and Bad.
bjw
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