I know that the world is filled with many people way worse off than me. But it is my time for self care. It never has been. At 63 years old, where do I fit in. Should I have expectations of fitting in?
All the cliches of, read your bible, have faith, goodness is just around the corner, be thankful for what you have and it goes on and on.
Well growing up in a church that, taught you, do the right thing, live as Christ would. Thinking of self was selfish. Serve others. You must be doing something wrong if your not being blessed, or it was your lesson to teaching someone else. And we never ever questioned. Never. Never.
Now, I don't know if I am without faith. I know God is real. And faith is trust and trust is faith.
I was reading the bible, going to church, doing my best to live the way Christ would want me to, when my child died. And he died during the FOT. I was told it all happens for a reason, and we may never know that reason. Ok....move forward. Attending church, praying, bible study, teaching my children Gods way. That's what I knew, and I believe it. Praying for my family, the ministry, others. Being thankful. But maybe I wasn't praying enough, I wasn't being thankful enough. I find myself thinking that the consequence of a bad decision follows us forever. That it never goes away. As with the world. An acceptance that, thats what it is. And thats all it is. I may be able to find peace that way.
I was doing all the above when my child was molested by a couple in my church. When church members blamed this child for it. 'When my pastor told me it wasn't his fault, when looking for some kind of understanding. Wanting to deal with it Gods way. Protection of my family.
Oh, the house fire, destroying not only my home but a art business. Always scraping by. Hard work, staying home so I was with my children, trying to supplement our income with a home based business.
Husband of over 20 plus years, decides to pick up and move, and he wants to just walk off and leave everything and start over from scratch. Because he was in the church, it was my duty to follow him. I did, right into hell. He moved us 1500 miles away, and then would not work. To far to attend church he said, so he quit. Now, I am stuck in a area that is so back woods, and no way to go to church, I am lost and angry. I get anxiety now just thinking about it. I gave up my home, a successful business, to do what I was told to do, and I suffered the consequences.
Guess I wonder where my support system was. It is non existent with my church now.
To not feel....joy and happiness is short lived, but loss and sadness lasts a lifetime. It always cancels out the good. Thats my life. You cannot undo a lifetime of that. The only way is to stop feeling. No more loneliness, no more sadness, no more disappointments, or let downs.I can tell you right now, its not worth the risk. If you live in bad, then your already there. I don't care. I really don't. I can stay in my tiny house, all alone, which must be my fate.
I miss my art friends. And I know that I will never get that back. I will never get my art business back. This is the second time, it has been taken from me. I finally realize that I am banging my head against a brick wall, and the head is about to explode.I would be so better off. Everyone would be better off. To no longer feel the guilt of doing my children wrong, and my grandchildren. No more the physco bitch from hell. No longer to have a child do such evil as to take away my home due to her actions alone. Only a person so bad would warrant that kind of action. And I want and need to understand my purpose on this earth. Its really hard to imagine a future world for me, when this one is so crappy.
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