In Recovery, always....

This week I met with Shrink and then the therapist. A lot of tears with Shrink. But tears are cleansing, and a much needed tool to recovery.
Anyone who has used substances, and quit, will always be in recovery. Don't let anyone tell you different. We must always be on guard, its not just "I'll have one drink, or one hit".  Even I know that I am one thought away from committing suicide. It scares me that, that is how it is. Almost a year of not having those thoughts. But coming really close. That's why I make use of the therapy opportunity and if I need drugs to balance out my chemicals, I'll do it.
Does that mean, I still don't think my life is not worth living. No, I still feel very lost, and lonely. But living in a new place is not a constant reminder of bad decisions, mistakes, just life. That helps a lot staying centered. I am still sleeping a lot during the day. Watching to much tv, as I don't want to think about things. Its hard not to think of the past, good or bad. The only way I can cut  that out of my mind is to keep it busy.
I am back doing some painting, trying to finish some I have started. Its helping. I am taking it slow, and on my own terms. Which means I'm the boss. Hard to slow down. But one of the main changes is finally beginning to accept the fact that I can't really work on clay for the time being. I do have a talent that needs to be used.
Plus we had a lot of good weather days. And the dogs and I took a walk. There is rain now, and I don't know for how long. But I am planning a road adventure with the dogs to look for rocks and glass next week. I'm calling  it a Self Care Project. Which all of us need to do. And like so many, I always have a lack of money issues. By the time the bills are paid, not much left. But at least thats getting done.
I am going to try and think of more self care projects. I hope I can do it. And do my art.