A Mothers Day Guilt trip

This is something else on my mind. I know I came from a different generation. One of many screwed up values, skills, etc. A church that was very strict and harsh.  It should not be an excuse. As I go about trying to heal. Another one of the main things I battle is guilt.
I know I can't undo. There are some things, that you want to make amends for, but the harm is to big, to much.
I have learned to late, that you cannot and should not treat your small children like an adult. They must be allowed to be children. This needs to be a lesson to us all.
I attend a recovery group called Celebrate Recovery, they use a 12 step program from AA with a spiritual addition. Because I was never addicted to drugs or alcohol, some of the steps don't make a lot of sense to me. But its a great program. And this week, we discussed amends.
And yesterday we had a sermon on "words".  Great sermon. A comforting sermon, encouraging and yet a reminder, that we cannot take our words back. We shape our children, its our responsibility. Our duty to do the best we can with what we have. Stuff/things, our children don't need as much as they need us.
Now, what can I do about all this?  I have children I am estranged from, grandchildren. The therapist keeps telling me, that I have to let it go. I know I need to, but I want my kids to be healed from my screw ups.Hurt is hurt. Damage is damage.  Just like domestic violence, the scars are there. Hurts heal, but there are always the scars. Always the scars, I know I carry mine, I don't want to, thats part PTSD.
Our world is screwed up so bad. And the one thing I am most thankful for, is that I do have a spiritual being in my life, I call him God. Others have other things. This is not meant to push God off on you. But to share one part of my healing.
Today is Mothers Day. I know that I can count on my son Mike to call me first thing in the morning. Just like clockwork.
I call my mom, just like clockwork, I am so blessed to still have her in my life.
Don't let guilt overcome your life, if you can make amends, at least try.  Do what you can, and then it becomes their choice, their decision to make and you can finally let go of the guilt, and work on making other things better in your life.
May you have a blessed day and peace.
I found the following article on FB this morning. I hope it helps, opens eyes.
bjw

http://foreverymom.com/family-parenting/15-ways-break-childs-heart-lori-wildenberg/

Examples and regrets

I found this on Face Book this morning, its something that I am seen before. But I want to use it to show an example of what I would have done in this instance. And it was not this way. So please don't repeat my mistakes.
Instead of doing what this mom did, I would have yelled at her for being selfish, I would probably have belittled her, and I know that I would have turned my back on her. Never giving her a chance to finish. Thats what kind of mom I was.
This is part of my healing to remind me, that I cannot go back and change it. But I can acknowledge, take ownership and hopefully help someone else to change before its to late.

 Please, please. don't repeat my mistakes. Love your children.
bjw

Dealing with Trauma, one at a time

Today was therapist day. We had already decided what I wanted to work on. I recently reconnected with one of my Granddaughters, a wonderful. loving thing. But it also brought up a lot of hurtful memories regarding her mom, my youngest daughter.
In fact, I have been seeing my therapist for almost 2 years, and I had never mentioned this particular trauma. Thats how deep I had hid it.
When we started the journey today, I believed it to be just one incident. It was a very hard thing to talk about. I believed it to be all wrapped up in one huge trauma, where my daughter had purposely caused me to lose my home. I was so angry, so much so that I could have harmed her. It scared me to have those feelings.. We talked about what I really felt at the time, besides the anger, there was a feeling of betrayal, of that she was doing this to get back at me for all the things that she felt I had done to her.
And now comes the guilt of not being a good parent.  And then we went way back into her childhood. She was a difficult child. Most of it I feel was on me, She was born after we had buried a SIDS baby. She was a very heavy sleeper. So I was constantly waking her up, to make sure she was still alive. There came a time that she ran away, age 6 or so, I was so afraid for her, I didn't understand her anger, or what ever the attitude was. She finally came home, safe. Thank God.
Around the same time, some teacher at school told her that she could call 911 if I spanked her as discipline. We lived in terror. Back in those days, CPS got involved, they never left your life. This went on for about a month, The entire family walked on eggshells, till finally I had, had enough and gave her the phone to call. During all this time we had another child, who was very ill. And did require a lot of attention. Again, him being sick, I was always afraid he would die.
We moved 5 times in 5 years. I know hard on us all. We finally wound up in Tucson, AZ.
And remember, I was a member of a church that had taught us, not to use therapists or psychiatrists. In fact, if we had any kind of mental illness, it must be of the devil,  I actually believe now, that at the time it was a cult. I still have my biblical beliefs that started with that church.  And again, how my children were affected by all of this.
My 2 younger children were not disciplined as the 2 older ones. I was gentler, more patient parent. The 2 older ones, will tell you that. I am so ashamed of how I treated my children. The guilt overwhelms me. But one thing at a time.
I remember my daughter being very self sufficient, I wanted my girls especially to be independent to be able to take care of themselves.
A few years after moving, we suffered a traumatic loss of our home and business to a fire. We were displaced for about 6 weeks, a family that we knew well, from church, who had a small child, started having us over for fellowship. My daughter just loved being with their little one, and they were a young couple. Financially stable. I looked at it as an opportunity for my daughter. She was around 11 when this happened. They would take her on trips. She joined the Civil Air Patrol. Wow, She would fly the F16 simulator better than the Air Force Pilots . She had a AZ Senator ready to write her recommendation to the Air Force Academy  in Colorado.  She was going places, good places. So proud of her.
Then in the fall she turned 16, we were visited late one night by a posse of sheriff deputies at our home. And they were looking for my daughter, and asking us if we knew this young couple.
The couple, him and her had been molesting my daughter, making videos, grooming her since age 11. Our local church turned against us, we had no support except that they blamed my daughter for all of it.  During the trial, we were ostracized by church members, the minister. None of us had any professional help. Nothing spiritual. How much I look back with regret of not getting the help. My daughter would never talk to me about it. The police were forthcoming, doing their best to alleviate our guilt, explaining to us about child molestation. So many memories to deal with today. A lot of tears and deep breaths.
Then when she 17 she wanted to get married. I felt she was to young. Her dad signed for her. I responded by leaving town. Very angry.
I also remember after she married, she brought up supper of barbecue thighs, Instead of being thankful, I yelled at her that she knew I didn't like thighs.
I was always so angry, and I would take it out on any one. Very very sad for my children.
So now, its not about me, per say.........I know that I cannot  go back and fix it, or even explain how or why. I am just now figuring it out.
I am working on the guilt angle, mine, We talked about one thing that I can do , and that is continue my prayers that God will heal them of my mistakes. For me to continue to not allow the anger to creep back in.
I can control my anger now, well most of the time, except when it comes to idiots. Whew......I hope that my posts will help someone else not make these same mistakes.I want to quit beating myself up for these mistakes. So, its one at a time, and to remind me, baby steps.
One of the reasons that I posted the above reminder.
May each of you be blessed, and share love. Love your children.
bjw