Today was therapist day. We had already decided what I wanted to work on. I recently reconnected with one of my Granddaughters, a wonderful. loving thing. But it also brought up a lot of hurtful memories regarding her mom, my youngest daughter.
In fact, I have been seeing my therapist for almost 2 years, and I had never mentioned this particular trauma. Thats how deep I had hid it.
When we started the journey today, I believed it to be just one incident. It was a very hard thing to talk about. I believed it to be all wrapped up in one huge trauma, where my daughter had purposely caused me to lose my home. I was so angry, so much so that I could have harmed her. It scared me to have those feelings.. We talked about what I really felt at the time, besides the anger, there was a feeling of betrayal, of that she was doing this to get back at me for all the things that she felt I had done to her.
And now comes the guilt of not being a good parent. And then we went way back into her childhood. She was a difficult child. Most of it I feel was on me, She was born after we had buried a SIDS baby. She was a very heavy sleeper. So I was constantly waking her up, to make sure she was still alive. There came a time that she ran away, age 6 or so, I was so afraid for her, I didn't understand her anger, or what ever the attitude was. She finally came home, safe. Thank God.
Around the same time, some teacher at school told her that she could call 911 if I spanked her as discipline. We lived in terror. Back in those days, CPS got involved, they never left your life. This went on for about a month, The entire family walked on eggshells, till finally I had, had enough and gave her the phone to call. During all this time we had another child, who was very ill. And did require a lot of attention. Again, him being sick, I was always afraid he would die.
We moved 5 times in 5 years. I know hard on us all. We finally wound up in Tucson, AZ.
And remember, I was a member of a church that had taught us, not to use therapists or psychiatrists. In fact, if we had any kind of mental illness, it must be of the devil, I actually believe now, that at the time it was a cult. I still have my biblical beliefs that started with that church. And again, how my children were affected by all of this.
My 2 younger children were not disciplined as the 2 older ones. I was gentler, more patient parent. The 2 older ones, will tell you that. I am so ashamed of how I treated my children. The guilt overwhelms me. But one thing at a time.
I remember my daughter being very self sufficient, I wanted my girls especially to be independent to be able to take care of themselves.
A few years after moving, we suffered a traumatic loss of our home and business to a fire. We were displaced for about 6 weeks, a family that we knew well, from church, who had a small child, started having us over for fellowship. My daughter just loved being with their little one, and they were a young couple. Financially stable. I looked at it as an opportunity for my daughter. She was around 11 when this happened. They would take her on trips. She joined the Civil Air Patrol. Wow, She would fly the F16 simulator better than the Air Force Pilots . She had a AZ Senator ready to write her recommendation to the Air Force Academy in Colorado. She was going places, good places. So proud of her.
Then in the fall she turned 16, we were visited late one night by a posse of sheriff deputies at our home. And they were looking for my daughter, and asking us if we knew this young couple.
The couple, him and her had been molesting my daughter, making videos, grooming her since age 11. Our local church turned against us, we had no support except that they blamed my daughter for all of it. During the trial, we were ostracized by church members, the minister. None of us had any professional help. Nothing spiritual. How much I look back with regret of not getting the help. My daughter would never talk to me about it. The police were forthcoming, doing their best to alleviate our guilt, explaining to us about child molestation. So many memories to deal with today. A lot of tears and deep breaths.
Then when she 17 she wanted to get married. I felt she was to young. Her dad signed for her. I responded by leaving town. Very angry.
I also remember after she married, she brought up supper of barbecue thighs, Instead of being thankful, I yelled at her that she knew I didn't like thighs.
I was always so angry, and I would take it out on any one. Very very sad for my children.
So now, its not about me, per say.........I know that I cannot go back and fix it, or even explain how or why. I am just now figuring it out.
I am working on the guilt angle, mine, We talked about one thing that I can do , and that is continue my prayers that God will heal them of my mistakes. For me to continue to not allow the anger to creep back in.
I can control my anger now, well most of the time, except when it comes to idiots. Whew......I hope that my posts will help someone else not make these same mistakes.I want to quit beating myself up for these mistakes. So, its one at a time, and to remind me, baby steps.
One of the reasons that I posted the above reminder.
May each of you be blessed, and share love. Love your children.
bjw
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