This week I met with Shrink and then the therapist. A lot of tears with Shrink. But tears are cleansing, and a much needed tool to recovery.
Anyone who has used substances, and quit, will always be in recovery. Don't let anyone tell you different. We must always be on guard, its not just "I'll have one drink, or one hit". Even I know that I am one thought away from committing suicide. It scares me that, that is how it is. Almost a year of not having those thoughts. But coming really close. That's why I make use of the therapy opportunity and if I need drugs to balance out my chemicals, I'll do it.
Does that mean, I still don't think my life is not worth living. No, I still feel very lost, and lonely. But living in a new place is not a constant reminder of bad decisions, mistakes, just life. That helps a lot staying centered. I am still sleeping a lot during the day. Watching to much tv, as I don't want to think about things. Its hard not to think of the past, good or bad. The only way I can cut that out of my mind is to keep it busy.
I am back doing some painting, trying to finish some I have started. Its helping. I am taking it slow, and on my own terms. Which means I'm the boss. Hard to slow down. But one of the main changes is finally beginning to accept the fact that I can't really work on clay for the time being. I do have a talent that needs to be used.
Plus we had a lot of good weather days. And the dogs and I took a walk. There is rain now, and I don't know for how long. But I am planning a road adventure with the dogs to look for rocks and glass next week. I'm calling it a Self Care Project. Which all of us need to do. And like so many, I always have a lack of money issues. By the time the bills are paid, not much left. But at least thats getting done.
I am going to try and think of more self care projects. I hope I can do it. And do my art.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Monday, March 13, 2017
My Yesterdays....Regrets
As I have gotten older, a loner, dealing with a mental illness, is like making a cake, sort of......Anyway, lots of regretful thoughts going thru my head. And some of it is the result of the strict teaching of my church......when you teach, you need to have a balance. The good and bad of it. So this is the day of regrets.
I regret spanking my young son for spilling his milk. He was in his high chair. We were taught that even children were sinful and so we must be strict. There was no love taught to go with it, in my area. I want to make it perfectly clear these are my memories.
But there was not hug to tell your child that you loved them. If your child misbehaved at church, you took them to the Mothers Room and wailed on them, they would either cry themselves to sleep, or just stay in the back till services were finished. We had 2 hour services, kids were expected to stay quiet on the floor on their blanket, No wonder non of my children wanted anything to do with the church. All they saw was negative. All I saw was negative. .My children were spanked for everything, but never hugged up and told that it was ok, we make mistakes. But I still love you. But that didn't really happen. I would love on my kids, bug it seemed they were being disciplined more than loved. I so regret that, Immaturity, naivety, stupidity, all of these played a part in the destruction/dysfunction of my family. We only get a small amount of time with our children. And I know there are/ were books. Dr. Spock was totally off his rocker. Couldn't some one come up with a common sense. We had a man who was interpreting the bible for us. I get the main things, the 10 commandments, Gods holy days, I still do and practice them. We were taught not to question our ministers, to accept. I regret that.....We were so in fear of being "marked", put out of the church, for asking, cause that meant we were causing dissension, we were a trouble maker. I regret that, I regret not standing up for all my principals. I regret that fear, you cannot teach love, with fear.
I do not regret having my children, just wished that I had of been worthy of that gift.
The biggest thing I regret is not loving my children, as I hope God loves me now. I always associated punishment with love...makes no sense. Right? So from 1972-2000 during the time my children were home, I had lots of time to screw them up.
The church taught, if we were having any mental issues, it must be of Satan, therefore we needed to pray, fast more. When my youngest daughter was molested by a couple in my church, we not only didn't seek any help, but the local church turned its back on us. I regret so very much not finding a psychiatrist for my child.. I failed her again. I was to busy trying to do what the church expected, than the health of my child.
We each of free will. Yes. But being indoctrinated from basically birth, we have learned a habit, not sure if brainwashing is the right word. But it did influence my life. It still does. But I hope I have found my balls and will not follow as I did before. God's word is God's word. But it is up to us to do the right thing. Not because some man tells you to. Being respectful in all things.
I regret not reading to my kids. I regret spending more time trying to make money to give them things, than just giving them me. I regret seeing some of the results of my child rearing continuing.
I regret not seeing my youngest daughter get married. I regret all the anger that seemed to be directed at my children. I regret it taking so long to find any kind of answers to fix this. Its un fixable at this time.
I regret all my fears taking over my life.
Most of all I regret not loving my children, and that its to late to fix it for my kids. Not for me, but for them. I do know the Bible teaches love, its not all about sin and what our punishment is. I regret living in the fear, that the fear itself was so overwhelming, that it still rules my life in some things.
I regret giving in to my younger children out of guilt. I had been so hard on the 2 older ones, so I went over to the far side. I regret not teaching myself to take care of myself.
I regret not standing my ground and leaving Tucson, because my church told me to follow my husband. I had it good there. I regret not having enough faith in myself, and love for myself, enough respect for myself.
I regret teaching my children to fear and be angry at life.
I regret the fact that it is to late to fix certain things.
Now, I have choices, I must not let my regrets steal whats left of my life. But they will always be a part of me and my life. And writing about it might help someone take the time to question themselves, motives, dysfunctional behavior.
I regret spanking my young son for spilling his milk. He was in his high chair. We were taught that even children were sinful and so we must be strict. There was no love taught to go with it, in my area. I want to make it perfectly clear these are my memories.
But there was not hug to tell your child that you loved them. If your child misbehaved at church, you took them to the Mothers Room and wailed on them, they would either cry themselves to sleep, or just stay in the back till services were finished. We had 2 hour services, kids were expected to stay quiet on the floor on their blanket, No wonder non of my children wanted anything to do with the church. All they saw was negative. All I saw was negative. .My children were spanked for everything, but never hugged up and told that it was ok, we make mistakes. But I still love you. But that didn't really happen. I would love on my kids, bug it seemed they were being disciplined more than loved. I so regret that, Immaturity, naivety, stupidity, all of these played a part in the destruction/dysfunction of my family. We only get a small amount of time with our children. And I know there are/ were books. Dr. Spock was totally off his rocker. Couldn't some one come up with a common sense. We had a man who was interpreting the bible for us. I get the main things, the 10 commandments, Gods holy days, I still do and practice them. We were taught not to question our ministers, to accept. I regret that.....We were so in fear of being "marked", put out of the church, for asking, cause that meant we were causing dissension, we were a trouble maker. I regret that, I regret not standing up for all my principals. I regret that fear, you cannot teach love, with fear.
I do not regret having my children, just wished that I had of been worthy of that gift.
The biggest thing I regret is not loving my children, as I hope God loves me now. I always associated punishment with love...makes no sense. Right? So from 1972-2000 during the time my children were home, I had lots of time to screw them up.
The church taught, if we were having any mental issues, it must be of Satan, therefore we needed to pray, fast more. When my youngest daughter was molested by a couple in my church, we not only didn't seek any help, but the local church turned its back on us. I regret so very much not finding a psychiatrist for my child.. I failed her again. I was to busy trying to do what the church expected, than the health of my child.
We each of free will. Yes. But being indoctrinated from basically birth, we have learned a habit, not sure if brainwashing is the right word. But it did influence my life. It still does. But I hope I have found my balls and will not follow as I did before. God's word is God's word. But it is up to us to do the right thing. Not because some man tells you to. Being respectful in all things.
I regret not reading to my kids. I regret spending more time trying to make money to give them things, than just giving them me. I regret seeing some of the results of my child rearing continuing.
I regret not seeing my youngest daughter get married. I regret all the anger that seemed to be directed at my children. I regret it taking so long to find any kind of answers to fix this. Its un fixable at this time.
I regret all my fears taking over my life.
Most of all I regret not loving my children, and that its to late to fix it for my kids. Not for me, but for them. I do know the Bible teaches love, its not all about sin and what our punishment is. I regret living in the fear, that the fear itself was so overwhelming, that it still rules my life in some things.
I regret giving in to my younger children out of guilt. I had been so hard on the 2 older ones, so I went over to the far side. I regret not teaching myself to take care of myself.
I regret not standing my ground and leaving Tucson, because my church told me to follow my husband. I had it good there. I regret not having enough faith in myself, and love for myself, enough respect for myself.
I regret teaching my children to fear and be angry at life.
I regret the fact that it is to late to fix certain things.
Now, I have choices, I must not let my regrets steal whats left of my life. But they will always be a part of me and my life. And writing about it might help someone take the time to question themselves, motives, dysfunctional behavior.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Bitterness?
bit·ter·ness
ˈbidərnəs/
noun
- 2.anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly; resentment."he expressed bitterness over his dismissal without notice"
Today this is a subject that has been on my mind a lot too. I thought surviving the suicide attempt was a challenge, and yet a year later, its not dying that's on my mind, its the living. To much time on my hands, means my mind has to many thoughts.
And "bitterness" is one of those thoughts, its a really huge thought. In fact its a thought compounded by my church upbringing as well. It seemed we were always reminded of becoming bitter about "trials" that are taking place in our personal lives. But not really taught how to keep from becoming "bitter"
It seems my life, my families lives have had more than a "fair" share of trials. I do not want to be "bitter". I need to not be "bitter".
But I am tired. But I want to live, need to live. I have many thoughts of why me? What did I do wrong to bring this kind of trials. How could I have done differently any thing? I was very encouraged last year when I volunteered at the art studio in another town. But I missed my own place. But you do what you do, so that you can have some kind participation. I have been fired from a job once in my life....Labor Board found in my favor and I was vindicated. The second time I was fired from the volunteer position. Which, there was a misunderstanding. And instead of standing up for myself, I went into protection mode. I hate to say it, but fired from a volunteer position. sigh......really bothered me. The job gave me a sense of self worth, and I definitely was feeling better about life in general. Was putting myself out there. Even trusting a bit. And wham, out of the blue, thrown away. And that's how I felt. And then this, feeling sorry for my self, and this "bitterness" starts creeping in. And I want to dwell on it, and I want it fixed. I want to be "treated fairly". But whats "fairly"? And I am reminded of a conversation dealing with professionalism. It never crossed my mind, just how differently people look at what is considered professional. That was a wow moment, plus a great educational moment.
Works the same with fairness/bitterness. I have always been able to eventually pick my self up, except for the suicide. And even after that, it took a lot of time to begin again. I miss doing the teaching, the interaction, especially helping other artists who don't have a pot to pee in, nor a window to throw it out of. That's how my art history has been. I have worked hard, scrounged things, had jobs, even second jobs to get room for others who did no have. Helping them understand how hard work has payoffs. And that is what The Art Project LLc, came about in 2014.
Any way, here comes that bitterness sneaking in. So now, I am trying to come up with ways, centering on good stuff, coming up with ideas, that will allow some kind of art sanctification, and as I think of that, I am feeling very selfish, and yet I know that I must be well before I can help others, and I am not doing so hot now with my attitude.
Its a vicious circle...........I have the talents, to not just teach the art, but how to run a business, (then I laugh, cause I'm sure not doing it) How to do it on a shoe string, and the businesses never had debt.
So, now I sit here, putting thoughts down, that sound "crazy" and yet is part of my battle. Battle with mental illness.
In my mind, its all about the money. I never received any kind of payment or paycheck for The Art Project. Every dime and things I could scrounge, went into that place. I don't regret it. But had I had money for an attorney, I believe the place would still be open. Opportunity for "bitterness" to take root. .
It seems to have gotten the worse since coming back from taking care of my mom. I don't know why, if I did, I would fix it. It seems the more I want to move forward with my art, and a project. And I think about all the things in my past life, and always seemed to go down to money. Cause I worked hard, didn't need a big house or fancy cars. Just wanted my kids to have better than I had. Money was not spent on non necessities, hell we couldn't even afford to buy happy meals.
In those days, I always felt, working hard, being honest, was the American Way, people on welfare could work their way out of that lifestyle. It was humility to be on welfare.
So we worked and worked, I created a job so I could be home with the kids and still maybe contribute, and art was and is my passion. I did have some success in those years. Enough to buy shoes when the kids needed them, not making them do without to long.
And now today, at 63, I think, why? There are generations who welfare is their way of life. So, working your ass off, gets you nothing, 735.00 a month in disability a 25 year old car, I am very thankful for. I do have a decent rental house. Utilities are very, very expensive here in Cortez. There is help with heating. None for electric. And after a year of living on 66.00 in food stamps per month. I now get 190.00. And yes, if I want a steak, I will buy one. I get no other assistance.
Now, if that isn't a whammy, and for a awesome opportunity for bitterness to move right on in. I not sure what isn't.
Thought I might have found a way to fire some of my smaller stuff. All I wound up with was a pile of shattered stuff. Bitter?
I really hope not. At the moment I post this, I will go back to working on some new jewelry pieces. And keep my mind on the talent God gave me. Hopefully working on what is around the corner, that may be a good thing, And moving in that positive direction.
Writing this, is showing me, that I have that choice, and I think I have allowed bitterness to slip in. And I don't like that. So, I am back to baby steps, Praying that God puts a stop to that thought.
Not putting the offense in the closet to be dwelt with later, but to deal with it now, I have identified the issue, considered many ways of consequences of what my solution actions will be, and then do it.
It is the only way to move forward. And the last couple of days, I have wanted to move forward again. Baby steps, my own advice. I must do that.
Hanging tough is tiring. It wears me out. Part of it, is now my age. And the other is my mental issues. Don't give up. I'm doing my best not too. Peace out.
These are 2 pieces I created the other day. They are un fired porcelain and stoneware clay. Very unfinished in this stage, That is part of the problem is I have no way here to fire these in a timely manner. Sigh.....but it is what is is.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
When my hope is lost.....
Been wanting to write this for some time now. But I needed to find the words. Since coming home from my moms at the end of January, I did not feel myself. My dogs refused to go outside to use the bathroom, so the house was a mess of urine and the smell. I am funky about odors. Even now, it makes me angry that I can't get the smell out. I am not blaming anyone. These dogs were left for 2 months without their mom and winter was bad. I am more thankful for being able to be with my mom. These are all things that are driving me off the edge. I am not in danger of harming my self consciously. I just don't care about life. I also came home to no heat, for the second year in a row, the heat seemed to be broken during the coldest part of winter. A water line had broke while I was gone, so very thankful that my family found it and was fixed without to much damage. Just stuff to put away. Then the water heater wasn't working. the little closet its in, was open, and had to wait for plumber to come. Then I had to put the door back on. And then my kitchen sink was backing up into the shower. The world was against me. I still feel that way.
Hope:1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
2. a feeling of trust.
3. want something to happen or be the case.
Faith: 1. complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
2. strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.
My entire was build on hope and faith. You pray (hope) that things will work out for you. You are important enough, valued enough that good things would happen, and thats where the faith came into play.
A lifetime ago, growing up in a Sabbath keeping COG, it was very harsh, I look back, and I believe now it was a cult. They kept up in line, with threats of committing the unpardonable sin. Now please remember I was a young child. these are my memories and mine alone. Children were to be seen and not heard, so as I got older, I got, that if I wanted to live forever, I had to obey and not sin. This was also the time that 1972 was the year we would flee as the great tribulation would be upon us, and we had better be accounted worthy to go to the place of safety. But that we were always sinning, that only by asking forgiveness and having God give his grace to me, would it be forgiven. Being led by fear, some ministers would come and visit my mom, she was encouraged to obey God first and pretty much to hell with my dad.......I hated those visits, they left my home in total terror, a lot of yelling from my dad. It was not pretty. My dad would tell them not to come back, and here again they would show up. Must have been in my pre teens when a church was started up in Las Cruces, NM. We would ride with a local woman. how my mom came up with gas money to help, I'll never know. It was a long ride for young children, again, no talking, behave ourselves, it was a 65 mile one way. I remember always being in fear of God. There never seemed to be a balance of love.........Oh ya, they would teach fire and brimestone, and as an aside, oh btw God loves you.
When I became an adult, it was time to talk about my baptism. It was expected. I knew the answers to the questions. And I will say, that I do believe the Sabbath is the Sabbath and holy days, the main doctrines of COG. But I was baptized out of fear, not because I wanted to be.I had not counted the cost. I didn't even understand what that was. I guess what I am trying to get across is that Fear has pretty much ruled my life, without a counter balance.
My sister pretty much told me the same thing. FEAR...she did not ever want that kind of fear in her life from the church.
Through out the years, I married a man not in the church, strike against me. Then our 3rd child died from SIDS.It was almost taboo to ask why, why would God let this happen. I was a believer, did the best I could, prayed 2-3 times a day, fasted regularly. attended church. Instead of telling me, they just didn't know, it was, it must have been God's will. You know God won't put anything on us that we can't handle....or, have you been praying enough? But I still had hope, faith, that I must work harder, I don't remember much being taught about Grace.
It was always, faith without works was dead.
So for the next lotta years, we buried the child, watched our home burn to the ground, dwelt with a couple in WWCG molest my daughter, and we were blamed for that, we must be to blame, after all these were good people who lived in the right part of town, whos parents were baptized members. When I sought counseling to get thru this, I was told by the minister, well its not his fault this happened. I did quit going to that church. My belief system had not changed, but what was being taught I disagreed with.
I found another COG in which was not only teaching Gods word but seemed to be living it. With the breakup of WWCG, it was a hard few years, had to learn new thinking. My thinking. I told myself as long as Gods word was being taught, I would stay.
There have been many many mistakes on my part, but always keeping my faith and hope close to God. My first husband was even baptized into the new church, The church teaches that you follow and obey your husband. So when he wanted to move to his home town, we packed up and moved, I had a successful business going in AZ. A very good business, but it was my duty to go. As soon as we moved, he basically left me to my own devises. He would not take me to church, he would not work. I was deserted.
For the next 10 years, I was divorced and remarried. I went to church when I could. There has always seemed to be an issue with money. Not having enough of it. I was very angry at God, why would he allow an obedient servant to suffer such things. Yes, I have a free will. But as your praying for protection, for wisdom, etc. You hope that you will make right decisions. Still I continued with my church and faith, even when the second husband was abusing me. and I sought counsel, I was told I was not being submissive enough. So I stayed. It kept getting worse, till finally I didn't care, I left him. After a few months I am counseling with the minister where I had moved, I was told, that if he chose to live with me, I must return home. I did, a year later he physically tried to kill me. Again, I took off with the help of my son Mike. I didn't care, let me burn in hell. Let me be suspended from the church, that was always a big fear, if you did something the church did not agree with, yup, suspended or marked. Fear, always fear. Because of the Domestic Violence, I was on several antidepressants, and therapy. The church has always discouraged having anything to do with a therapist and or physchritrust. Any mental illness must be of the devil, there fore once again, we must not be close enough to God. A decision that I deeply regret making use of when my child was molested. One of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. And it caused suffering and more damage. I mourn for that child forever. And the fact that I didn't have the balls to stand up to it all.
When I moved back to Tucson, I did contact the local minister. He set up a visit and we talked. I mean, I talked, he listened. Wow. For the first time in many many years I felt safe.
I know by know your asking yourself, what the hey am I talking about. I feel in order to understand where I feel I am at now, its important to have some of the back ground. I just didn't start feeling this way of being lost.
Day 2 or 3
Can you hear me screaming? I can, it vibrates throughout my head. I stop it by going to sleep. I am tired of trying. And again, I am not going to harm myself. I just hope my life will stop. That is what happens when you lose hope, have no faith of having hope.
The 1st photo posted is what is left of 2-3 weeks of clay creation. Trying to adapt a tiny kiln. Results not acceptable and very discouraged. Thus the screaming. I have worked hard all my life. Scrounged everything for my artwork, to help out my family to have extras. Did without to buy that one thing. Then another, and another. Finally, it had started to pay off, I was making money, my name was getting out there, I even had an invitation from Better Homes and Gardens to use some of my artwork in a photo shoot. My artwork going all over the world. I know that the profit margin is very low, and I did not have insurance to cover the business. But I was always careful. Faith that all would be well. The week before Thanksgiving, 1989, we lost home and business to fire. A total loss. These feelings flood me when I see the below pic. I remember the helplessness, the loss, the total loss of self.
All of this represents failure on my part. I am in a position that there is no way out. I live on 737.00 530. goes to rent. I know their are worse off out there.
I guess I always expected hard work to pay off.
Just feeling depressed, having no control over my life. Have done so much to give, to share with others, it feels weird to me to feel this way. And thats what depression feels like. part of it. PTSD. years of of it. Or I became a angry bitch, which I did not have a clue as to why. Anger, fear, out of control, no worth.......
At least finally after 60 years I know where the anger originated. doesn't heal the past damage I have done, or fixes it in any way, shape or form, so the guilt builds up, and the worthlessness settles in again, because, no matter what, there are consequences to my actions. Doesn't matter what caused those actions.
Whewwwww. now I just feel, nothing. Why bother. why? And it is stupid to be so hung up on the fact that I cannot do my clay work.
I sleep as much as possible. I take meds to sleep at night to shut off my mind. Shut off my mind. It never shuts off. I need to escape. Escape in a good way and not one, where I am worthless, where I have no value any more.
And thats where I am today.
Hope:1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
2. a feeling of trust.
3. want something to happen or be the case.
Faith: 1. complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
2. strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.
My entire was build on hope and faith. You pray (hope) that things will work out for you. You are important enough, valued enough that good things would happen, and thats where the faith came into play.
A lifetime ago, growing up in a Sabbath keeping COG, it was very harsh, I look back, and I believe now it was a cult. They kept up in line, with threats of committing the unpardonable sin. Now please remember I was a young child. these are my memories and mine alone. Children were to be seen and not heard, so as I got older, I got, that if I wanted to live forever, I had to obey and not sin. This was also the time that 1972 was the year we would flee as the great tribulation would be upon us, and we had better be accounted worthy to go to the place of safety. But that we were always sinning, that only by asking forgiveness and having God give his grace to me, would it be forgiven. Being led by fear, some ministers would come and visit my mom, she was encouraged to obey God first and pretty much to hell with my dad.......I hated those visits, they left my home in total terror, a lot of yelling from my dad. It was not pretty. My dad would tell them not to come back, and here again they would show up. Must have been in my pre teens when a church was started up in Las Cruces, NM. We would ride with a local woman. how my mom came up with gas money to help, I'll never know. It was a long ride for young children, again, no talking, behave ourselves, it was a 65 mile one way. I remember always being in fear of God. There never seemed to be a balance of love.........Oh ya, they would teach fire and brimestone, and as an aside, oh btw God loves you.
When I became an adult, it was time to talk about my baptism. It was expected. I knew the answers to the questions. And I will say, that I do believe the Sabbath is the Sabbath and holy days, the main doctrines of COG. But I was baptized out of fear, not because I wanted to be.I had not counted the cost. I didn't even understand what that was. I guess what I am trying to get across is that Fear has pretty much ruled my life, without a counter balance.
My sister pretty much told me the same thing. FEAR...she did not ever want that kind of fear in her life from the church.
Through out the years, I married a man not in the church, strike against me. Then our 3rd child died from SIDS.It was almost taboo to ask why, why would God let this happen. I was a believer, did the best I could, prayed 2-3 times a day, fasted regularly. attended church. Instead of telling me, they just didn't know, it was, it must have been God's will. You know God won't put anything on us that we can't handle....or, have you been praying enough? But I still had hope, faith, that I must work harder, I don't remember much being taught about Grace.
It was always, faith without works was dead.
So for the next lotta years, we buried the child, watched our home burn to the ground, dwelt with a couple in WWCG molest my daughter, and we were blamed for that, we must be to blame, after all these were good people who lived in the right part of town, whos parents were baptized members. When I sought counseling to get thru this, I was told by the minister, well its not his fault this happened. I did quit going to that church. My belief system had not changed, but what was being taught I disagreed with.
I found another COG in which was not only teaching Gods word but seemed to be living it. With the breakup of WWCG, it was a hard few years, had to learn new thinking. My thinking. I told myself as long as Gods word was being taught, I would stay.
There have been many many mistakes on my part, but always keeping my faith and hope close to God. My first husband was even baptized into the new church, The church teaches that you follow and obey your husband. So when he wanted to move to his home town, we packed up and moved, I had a successful business going in AZ. A very good business, but it was my duty to go. As soon as we moved, he basically left me to my own devises. He would not take me to church, he would not work. I was deserted.
For the next 10 years, I was divorced and remarried. I went to church when I could. There has always seemed to be an issue with money. Not having enough of it. I was very angry at God, why would he allow an obedient servant to suffer such things. Yes, I have a free will. But as your praying for protection, for wisdom, etc. You hope that you will make right decisions. Still I continued with my church and faith, even when the second husband was abusing me. and I sought counsel, I was told I was not being submissive enough. So I stayed. It kept getting worse, till finally I didn't care, I left him. After a few months I am counseling with the minister where I had moved, I was told, that if he chose to live with me, I must return home. I did, a year later he physically tried to kill me. Again, I took off with the help of my son Mike. I didn't care, let me burn in hell. Let me be suspended from the church, that was always a big fear, if you did something the church did not agree with, yup, suspended or marked. Fear, always fear. Because of the Domestic Violence, I was on several antidepressants, and therapy. The church has always discouraged having anything to do with a therapist and or physchritrust. Any mental illness must be of the devil, there fore once again, we must not be close enough to God. A decision that I deeply regret making use of when my child was molested. One of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. And it caused suffering and more damage. I mourn for that child forever. And the fact that I didn't have the balls to stand up to it all.
When I moved back to Tucson, I did contact the local minister. He set up a visit and we talked. I mean, I talked, he listened. Wow. For the first time in many many years I felt safe.
I know by know your asking yourself, what the hey am I talking about. I feel in order to understand where I feel I am at now, its important to have some of the back ground. I just didn't start feeling this way of being lost.
Day 2 or 3
Can you hear me screaming? I can, it vibrates throughout my head. I stop it by going to sleep. I am tired of trying. And again, I am not going to harm myself. I just hope my life will stop. That is what happens when you lose hope, have no faith of having hope.
The 1st photo posted is what is left of 2-3 weeks of clay creation. Trying to adapt a tiny kiln. Results not acceptable and very discouraged. Thus the screaming. I have worked hard all my life. Scrounged everything for my artwork, to help out my family to have extras. Did without to buy that one thing. Then another, and another. Finally, it had started to pay off, I was making money, my name was getting out there, I even had an invitation from Better Homes and Gardens to use some of my artwork in a photo shoot. My artwork going all over the world. I know that the profit margin is very low, and I did not have insurance to cover the business. But I was always careful. Faith that all would be well. The week before Thanksgiving, 1989, we lost home and business to fire. A total loss. These feelings flood me when I see the below pic. I remember the helplessness, the loss, the total loss of self.
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| The Mess of shattered art, none salvageable |
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| Before Firing |
All of this represents failure on my part. I am in a position that there is no way out. I live on 737.00 530. goes to rent. I know their are worse off out there.
I guess I always expected hard work to pay off.
Just feeling depressed, having no control over my life. Have done so much to give, to share with others, it feels weird to me to feel this way. And thats what depression feels like. part of it. PTSD. years of of it. Or I became a angry bitch, which I did not have a clue as to why. Anger, fear, out of control, no worth.......
At least finally after 60 years I know where the anger originated. doesn't heal the past damage I have done, or fixes it in any way, shape or form, so the guilt builds up, and the worthlessness settles in again, because, no matter what, there are consequences to my actions. Doesn't matter what caused those actions.
Whewwwww. now I just feel, nothing. Why bother. why? And it is stupid to be so hung up on the fact that I cannot do my clay work.
I sleep as much as possible. I take meds to sleep at night to shut off my mind. Shut off my mind. It never shuts off. I need to escape. Escape in a good way and not one, where I am worthless, where I have no value any more.
And thats where I am today.
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