I regret spanking my young son for spilling his milk. He was in his high chair. We were taught that even children were sinful and so we must be strict. There was no love taught to go with it, in my area. I want to make it perfectly clear these are my memories.
But there was not hug to tell your child that you loved them. If your child misbehaved at church, you took them to the Mothers Room and wailed on them, they would either cry themselves to sleep, or just stay in the back till services were finished. We had 2 hour services, kids were expected to stay quiet on the floor on their blanket, No wonder non of my children wanted anything to do with the church. All they saw was negative. All I saw was negative. .My children were spanked for everything, but never hugged up and told that it was ok, we make mistakes. But I still love you. But that didn't really happen. I would love on my kids, bug it seemed they were being disciplined more than loved. I so regret that, Immaturity, naivety, stupidity, all of these played a part in the destruction/dysfunction of my family. We only get a small amount of time with our children. And I know there are/ were books. Dr. Spock was totally off his rocker. Couldn't some one come up with a common sense. We had a man who was interpreting the bible for us. I get the main things, the 10 commandments, Gods holy days, I still do and practice them. We were taught not to question our ministers, to accept. I regret that.....We were so in fear of being "marked", put out of the church, for asking, cause that meant we were causing dissension, we were a trouble maker. I regret that, I regret not standing up for all my principals. I regret that fear, you cannot teach love, with fear.
I do not regret having my children, just wished that I had of been worthy of that gift.
The biggest thing I regret is not loving my children, as I hope God loves me now. I always associated punishment with love...makes no sense. Right? So from 1972-2000 during the time my children were home, I had lots of time to screw them up.
The church taught, if we were having any mental issues, it must be of Satan, therefore we needed to pray, fast more. When my youngest daughter was molested by a couple in my church, we not only didn't seek any help, but the local church turned its back on us. I regret so very much not finding a psychiatrist for my child.. I failed her again. I was to busy trying to do what the church expected, than the health of my child.
We each of free will. Yes. But being indoctrinated from basically birth, we have learned a habit, not sure if brainwashing is the right word. But it did influence my life. It still does. But I hope I have found my balls and will not follow as I did before. God's word is God's word. But it is up to us to do the right thing. Not because some man tells you to. Being respectful in all things.
I regret not reading to my kids. I regret spending more time trying to make money to give them things, than just giving them me. I regret seeing some of the results of my child rearing continuing.
I regret not seeing my youngest daughter get married. I regret all the anger that seemed to be directed at my children. I regret it taking so long to find any kind of answers to fix this. Its un fixable at this time.
I regret all my fears taking over my life.
Most of all I regret not loving my children, and that its to late to fix it for my kids. Not for me, but for them. I do know the Bible teaches love, its not all about sin and what our punishment is. I regret living in the fear, that the fear itself was so overwhelming, that it still rules my life in some things.
I regret giving in to my younger children out of guilt. I had been so hard on the 2 older ones, so I went over to the far side. I regret not teaching myself to take care of myself.
I regret not standing my ground and leaving Tucson, because my church told me to follow my husband. I had it good there. I regret not having enough faith in myself, and love for myself, enough respect for myself.
I regret teaching my children to fear and be angry at life.
I regret the fact that it is to late to fix certain things.
Now, I have choices, I must not let my regrets steal whats left of my life. But they will always be a part of me and my life. And writing about it might help someone take the time to question themselves, motives, dysfunctional behavior.
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