When my hope is lost.....

Been wanting to write this for some time now. But I needed to find the words. Since coming home from my moms at the end of January, I did not feel myself. My dogs refused to go outside to use the bathroom, so the house was a mess of urine and the smell. I am funky about odors. Even now, it makes me angry that I can't get the smell out. I am not blaming anyone. These dogs were left for 2 months without their mom and winter was bad. I am more thankful for being able to be with my mom. These are all things that are driving me off the edge. I am not in danger of harming my self consciously.  I just don't care about life. I also came home to no heat, for the second year in a row, the heat seemed to be broken during the coldest part of winter. A water line had broke while I was gone, so very thankful that my family found it and was fixed without to much damage. Just stuff to put away. Then the water heater wasn't working. the little closet its in, was open, and had to wait for plumber to come. Then  I had to put the door back on. And then my kitchen sink was backing up into the shower. The world was against me. I still feel that way.
Hope:1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
2. a feeling of trust.
3. want something to happen or be the case.

Faith: 1. complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
2. strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

My entire was build on hope and faith. You pray (hope) that things will work out for you. You are important enough, valued enough that good things would happen, and thats where the faith came into play. 

A lifetime ago, growing up in a Sabbath keeping COG, it was very harsh, I look back, and I believe now it was a cult. They kept up in line, with threats of committing the unpardonable sin. Now please remember I was a young child. these are my memories and mine alone. Children were to be seen and not heard, so as I got older, I got, that if I wanted to live forever, I had to obey and not sin. This was also the time that 1972 was the year we would flee as the great tribulation would be upon us, and we had better be accounted worthy to go to the place of safety. But that we were always sinning, that only by asking forgiveness and having God give his grace to me, would it be forgiven. Being led by fear, some ministers would come and visit my mom, she was encouraged to obey God first and pretty much to hell with my dad.......I hated those visits, they left my home in total terror, a lot of yelling from my dad. It was not pretty. My dad would tell them not to come back, and here again they would show up. Must have been in my pre teens when a church was started up in Las Cruces, NM. We would ride with a local woman. how my mom came up with gas money to help, I'll never know. It was a long ride for young children, again, no talking, behave ourselves, it was a 65 mile one way. I remember always being in fear of God. There never seemed to be a balance of love.........Oh ya, they would teach fire and brimestone, and as an aside, oh btw God loves you.
When I became an adult, it was time to talk about my baptism. It was expected. I knew the answers to the questions. And I will say, that I do believe the Sabbath is the Sabbath and holy days, the main doctrines of COG. But I was baptized out of fear, not because I wanted to be.I had not counted the cost. I didn't even understand what that was. I guess what I am trying to get across is that Fear has pretty much ruled my life, without a counter balance.
My sister pretty much told me the same thing. FEAR...she did not ever want that kind of fear in her life from the church. 
Through out the years, I married a man not in the church, strike against me. Then our 3rd child died from SIDS.It was almost taboo to ask why, why would God let this happen. I was a believer, did the best I could, prayed 2-3 times a day, fasted regularly. attended church. Instead of telling me, they just didn't know, it was, it must have been God's will.  You know God won't put anything on us that we can't handle....or, have you been praying enough?  But I still had hope, faith, that I must work harder, I don't remember much being taught about Grace. 
It was always, faith without works was dead. 
So for the next lotta years, we buried the child, watched our home burn to the ground, dwelt with a couple in WWCG molest my daughter, and we were blamed for that, we must be to blame, after all these were good people who lived in the right part of town, whos parents were baptized members. When I sought counseling to get thru this, I was told by the minister, well its not his fault this happened. I did quit going to that church. My belief system had not changed, but what was being taught I disagreed with. 
I found another COG in which was not only teaching Gods word but seemed to be living it. With the breakup of WWCG, it was a hard few years, had to learn new thinking. My thinking. I told myself as long as Gods word was being taught, I would stay. 
There have been many many mistakes on my part, but always keeping my faith and hope close to God. My first husband was even baptized into the new church, The church teaches that you follow and obey your husband. So when he wanted to move to his home town, we packed up and moved, I had a successful business going in AZ. A very good business, but it was my duty to go. As soon as we moved, he basically left me to my own devises. He would not take me to church, he would not work. I was deserted. 
For the next 10 years, I was divorced and remarried. I went to church when I could. There has always seemed to be an issue with money. Not having enough of it.  I was very angry at God, why would he allow an obedient servant to suffer such things. Yes, I have a free will. But as your praying for protection, for wisdom, etc. You hope that you will make right decisions.  Still I continued with my church and faith, even when the second husband was abusing me. and I sought counsel, I was told I was not being submissive enough.  So I stayed. It kept getting worse, till finally I didn't care, I left him.   After a few months I am counseling with the minister where I had moved, I was told, that if he chose to live with me, I must return home. I did, a year later he physically tried to kill me. Again, I took off with the help of my son Mike. I didn't care, let me burn in hell. Let me be suspended from the church, that was always a big fear, if you did something the church did not agree with, yup, suspended or marked. Fear, always fear.  Because of the Domestic Violence, I was on several antidepressants, and therapy. The church has always discouraged having anything to do with a therapist and or physchritrust.  Any mental illness must be of the devil, there fore once again, we must not be close enough to God. A decision that I deeply regret making use of when my child was molested. One of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. And it caused suffering and more damage. I mourn for that child forever. And the fact that I didn't have the balls to stand up to it all.   
When I moved back to Tucson, I did contact the local minister. He set up a visit and we talked. I mean, I talked, he listened. Wow. For the first time in many many years I felt safe. 
I know by know your asking yourself, what the hey am I talking about. I feel in order to understand where I feel I am at now, its important to have some of the back ground. I just didn't start feeling this way of being lost.

Day 2 or 3 
Can you hear me screaming? I can, it vibrates throughout my head. I stop it by going to sleep. I am tired of trying. And again, I am not going to harm myself. I just hope my life will stop. That is what happens when you lose hope, have no faith of having hope. 
The 1st photo posted is what is left of 2-3 weeks of clay creation.  Trying to adapt a tiny kiln. Results not acceptable and very discouraged. Thus the screaming. I have worked hard all my life. Scrounged everything for my artwork, to help out my family to have extras. Did without to buy that one thing. Then another, and another. Finally, it had started to pay off, I was making money, my name was getting out there, I even had an invitation from Better Homes and Gardens to use some of my artwork in a photo shoot. My artwork going all over the world. I know that the profit margin is very low, and I did not have insurance to cover the business. But I was always careful.  Faith that all would be well. The week before Thanksgiving, 1989, we lost home and business to fire. A total loss. These feelings flood me when I see the below pic. I remember the helplessness, the loss, the total loss of self. 

The Mess of shattered art, none salvageable

Before Firing 

All of this represents failure on my part. I am in a position that there is no way out. I live on 737.00  530.  goes to rent. I know their are worse off out there.
I guess I always expected hard work to pay off. 
Just feeling depressed, having no control over my life. Have done so much to give, to share with others, it feels weird to me to feel this way. And thats what depression feels like. part of it. PTSD. years of of it. Or I became a angry bitch, which I did not have a clue as to why. Anger, fear, out of control, no worth.......
At least finally after 60 years I know where the anger originated. doesn't heal the past damage I have done, or fixes it in any way, shape or form, so the guilt builds up, and the worthlessness settles in again, because, no matter what, there are consequences to my actions. Doesn't matter what caused those actions. 
Whewwwww.  now I just feel, nothing. Why bother. why?  And it is stupid to be so hung up on the fact that I cannot do my clay work. 
I sleep as much as possible. I take meds to sleep at night to shut off my mind. Shut off my mind. It never shuts off. I need to escape. Escape in a good way and not one, where I am worthless, where I have no value any more. 
And thats where I am today.