bit·ter·ness
ˈbidərnəs/
noun
- 2.anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly; resentment."he expressed bitterness over his dismissal without notice"
Today this is a subject that has been on my mind a lot too. I thought surviving the suicide attempt was a challenge, and yet a year later, its not dying that's on my mind, its the living. To much time on my hands, means my mind has to many thoughts.
And "bitterness" is one of those thoughts, its a really huge thought. In fact its a thought compounded by my church upbringing as well. It seemed we were always reminded of becoming bitter about "trials" that are taking place in our personal lives. But not really taught how to keep from becoming "bitter"
It seems my life, my families lives have had more than a "fair" share of trials. I do not want to be "bitter". I need to not be "bitter".
But I am tired. But I want to live, need to live. I have many thoughts of why me? What did I do wrong to bring this kind of trials. How could I have done differently any thing? I was very encouraged last year when I volunteered at the art studio in another town. But I missed my own place. But you do what you do, so that you can have some kind participation. I have been fired from a job once in my life....Labor Board found in my favor and I was vindicated. The second time I was fired from the volunteer position. Which, there was a misunderstanding. And instead of standing up for myself, I went into protection mode. I hate to say it, but fired from a volunteer position. sigh......really bothered me. The job gave me a sense of self worth, and I definitely was feeling better about life in general. Was putting myself out there. Even trusting a bit. And wham, out of the blue, thrown away. And that's how I felt. And then this, feeling sorry for my self, and this "bitterness" starts creeping in. And I want to dwell on it, and I want it fixed. I want to be "treated fairly". But whats "fairly"? And I am reminded of a conversation dealing with professionalism. It never crossed my mind, just how differently people look at what is considered professional. That was a wow moment, plus a great educational moment.
Works the same with fairness/bitterness. I have always been able to eventually pick my self up, except for the suicide. And even after that, it took a lot of time to begin again. I miss doing the teaching, the interaction, especially helping other artists who don't have a pot to pee in, nor a window to throw it out of. That's how my art history has been. I have worked hard, scrounged things, had jobs, even second jobs to get room for others who did no have. Helping them understand how hard work has payoffs. And that is what The Art Project LLc, came about in 2014.
Any way, here comes that bitterness sneaking in. So now, I am trying to come up with ways, centering on good stuff, coming up with ideas, that will allow some kind of art sanctification, and as I think of that, I am feeling very selfish, and yet I know that I must be well before I can help others, and I am not doing so hot now with my attitude.
Its a vicious circle...........I have the talents, to not just teach the art, but how to run a business, (then I laugh, cause I'm sure not doing it) How to do it on a shoe string, and the businesses never had debt.
So, now I sit here, putting thoughts down, that sound "crazy" and yet is part of my battle. Battle with mental illness.
In my mind, its all about the money. I never received any kind of payment or paycheck for The Art Project. Every dime and things I could scrounge, went into that place. I don't regret it. But had I had money for an attorney, I believe the place would still be open. Opportunity for "bitterness" to take root. .
It seems to have gotten the worse since coming back from taking care of my mom. I don't know why, if I did, I would fix it. It seems the more I want to move forward with my art, and a project. And I think about all the things in my past life, and always seemed to go down to money. Cause I worked hard, didn't need a big house or fancy cars. Just wanted my kids to have better than I had. Money was not spent on non necessities, hell we couldn't even afford to buy happy meals.
In those days, I always felt, working hard, being honest, was the American Way, people on welfare could work their way out of that lifestyle. It was humility to be on welfare.
So we worked and worked, I created a job so I could be home with the kids and still maybe contribute, and art was and is my passion. I did have some success in those years. Enough to buy shoes when the kids needed them, not making them do without to long.
And now today, at 63, I think, why? There are generations who welfare is their way of life. So, working your ass off, gets you nothing, 735.00 a month in disability a 25 year old car, I am very thankful for. I do have a decent rental house. Utilities are very, very expensive here in Cortez. There is help with heating. None for electric. And after a year of living on 66.00 in food stamps per month. I now get 190.00. And yes, if I want a steak, I will buy one. I get no other assistance.
Now, if that isn't a whammy, and for a awesome opportunity for bitterness to move right on in. I not sure what isn't.
Thought I might have found a way to fire some of my smaller stuff. All I wound up with was a pile of shattered stuff. Bitter?
I really hope not. At the moment I post this, I will go back to working on some new jewelry pieces. And keep my mind on the talent God gave me. Hopefully working on what is around the corner, that may be a good thing, And moving in that positive direction.
Writing this, is showing me, that I have that choice, and I think I have allowed bitterness to slip in. And I don't like that. So, I am back to baby steps, Praying that God puts a stop to that thought.
Not putting the offense in the closet to be dwelt with later, but to deal with it now, I have identified the issue, considered many ways of consequences of what my solution actions will be, and then do it.
It is the only way to move forward. And the last couple of days, I have wanted to move forward again. Baby steps, my own advice. I must do that.
Hanging tough is tiring. It wears me out. Part of it, is now my age. And the other is my mental issues. Don't give up. I'm doing my best not too. Peace out.
These are 2 pieces I created the other day. They are un fired porcelain and stoneware clay. Very unfinished in this stage, That is part of the problem is I have no way here to fire these in a timely manner. Sigh.....but it is what is is.
No comments:
Post a Comment