It really is looking like snow out there. Its cold, windy, did I mention cold and windy? :) My heater went out again yesterday. I texted the manager and was shocked by her response. It was Monday, and it was after 4:pm, But her response was, next time let her know before 4. Now, I could have gotten angry, well maybe I kinda did, but it was quickly put aside. But I got to thinking that I pay my rent on time, I even take it to the bank for her and deposit it. Hmmmm. so I replied, with not my fault it keeps messing up, and not my job to keep an eye on it. She replied that I didn't need to be rude. Now, the old me would have just curled up in a ball, and accepted it and again, my worth was nothing. I came back with, she had been rude in her suggestion and she apologized and all is well. I did not allow her to invalidate me. A huge step for me. BABY STEP. (high five, here)
Although wintry out there, I want to go to Mancus, we have no one for class, which is fine by me, it will pick up. Hoping my clay has been fired, and to leave a few pieces.
Taking each day, a bit at a time, can be manageable. If we work at it. As I look out the window, watching the leafless trees sway, there is a beauty out there, and I am beautiful, and so are each and everyone of you. Please try and remember this. I want to leave you with this article I found on Good Therapy.org I hope it touches you in a positive way. Have a most wonderful, life filled day.
bjw
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/7-highly-effective-habits-happy-people-practice-daily-1007157
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Monday, March 28, 2016
Icky but Positive
I battled a headache most of the night and finally came downstairs to take pills and sleep in my chair. Which meant I didn't feel good. A bit depressed, and contemplating my worth. Its very easy to get this way, when you don't feel good, you let your other defenses down. So, after taking a note of my assets, I decided to move forward with a baby step......
This morning is brought to you by Sandra Perry, who furnished my fancy coffee. Thank you. As it was brewing, I jumped in the shower, continuing to contemplate life.
There is a smell in the bathroom, been there for several days, Yes, its a bathroom, mine is clean, but the pipes are really old. I put bleach in the pipes, thinking that should solve the problem. But I should remind you that there was a mouse in one of the walls in BR the past few weeks. I think I wrote of the battle of the mice.
So here is the "Icky but Positive" part. At least he croaked in the bathroom. I can shut the door. And I have some sprinkle stuff you use in the laundry, but works really great on carpets. And its been a few days, and smell is going down. Won't be much longer. :)
Why do I tell you these things, because one of my tools is to find a positive, no matter how small. I like making people laugh with my stories. When we are laughing, we are not crying. That was a very profound statement. LOL
There seems to be one more mouse up in my bedroom wall. I heard him last night. Now if he croaks in that wall, I might not be so understanding. Positive.....I'll cross that bridge when it happens. Maybe he'll move on. Yea right!!!!
Then I have been getting an error message for the last week or so, my GFXUI has stopped working. Really, so tell me something else in my life has stopped working. :) Went on line to see what that was, Utube video. Actually could understand it, did what it asked for, still did not fix the error message. sigh......My computer is so old....no new updates for my OS. Not complaining, but this poor computer has a story to tell. and there is not enough time left in the world to tell it. Positive.....I am very thankful I can get it to come on. It does have a mind of its own. A HP Compaq. must be a good one, cause its still working. I have been looking a getting just a desktop tower, found one at Wally World for under 175.00. would upgrade, so I could watch TV on a larger screen. That should tell you how old this laptop is. no way to hook to tv. Which btw was given to me.
By now, I am feeling better, not overwhelmed as I was when I got up this morning. My great cup of coffee with the last brownie. :) Positive? Well I could bake some more. I have the stuff.
I have slowly been taking stuff up stairs, but not putting it away. Its a mess, and yet, positive, its here, its mine, and I have a work place.
As I am writing this, I am slowly reminding myself of my worth, its hard work for me. I grew up in a church that any type of of self, was selfish/vanity. A very hard thing to overcome. Now mix in the trauma, the depression, the outside not wanting to know what its like, makes for quite a recipe for failure. Now what? Now comes the time to practice Mindfulness, a wonderful tool in my box. I start by pushing aside the past, and making a list of what I am good at, why I am good at it, Reinforcing the good in my life. Its hard work. The PTSD is always with me. I must be prepared for it, as a diabetic has a contingency plan, so must we.
My coffee is drank, my brownie eaten, my depression is in the back, I have artwork to do. I created 6 more tiny native women in stoneware.
I shall go forth and conquer TODAY, not tomorrow, maybe not even in 2 hours, but for this moment, I am moving forward, and as long as I am moving forward. I am not falling backward. May all of you know the peace of mind. You are not alone.
bjw
This morning is brought to you by Sandra Perry, who furnished my fancy coffee. Thank you. As it was brewing, I jumped in the shower, continuing to contemplate life.
There is a smell in the bathroom, been there for several days, Yes, its a bathroom, mine is clean, but the pipes are really old. I put bleach in the pipes, thinking that should solve the problem. But I should remind you that there was a mouse in one of the walls in BR the past few weeks. I think I wrote of the battle of the mice.
So here is the "Icky but Positive" part. At least he croaked in the bathroom. I can shut the door. And I have some sprinkle stuff you use in the laundry, but works really great on carpets. And its been a few days, and smell is going down. Won't be much longer. :)
Why do I tell you these things, because one of my tools is to find a positive, no matter how small. I like making people laugh with my stories. When we are laughing, we are not crying. That was a very profound statement. LOL
There seems to be one more mouse up in my bedroom wall. I heard him last night. Now if he croaks in that wall, I might not be so understanding. Positive.....I'll cross that bridge when it happens. Maybe he'll move on. Yea right!!!!
Then I have been getting an error message for the last week or so, my GFXUI has stopped working. Really, so tell me something else in my life has stopped working. :) Went on line to see what that was, Utube video. Actually could understand it, did what it asked for, still did not fix the error message. sigh......My computer is so old....no new updates for my OS. Not complaining, but this poor computer has a story to tell. and there is not enough time left in the world to tell it. Positive.....I am very thankful I can get it to come on. It does have a mind of its own. A HP Compaq. must be a good one, cause its still working. I have been looking a getting just a desktop tower, found one at Wally World for under 175.00. would upgrade, so I could watch TV on a larger screen. That should tell you how old this laptop is. no way to hook to tv. Which btw was given to me.
By now, I am feeling better, not overwhelmed as I was when I got up this morning. My great cup of coffee with the last brownie. :) Positive? Well I could bake some more. I have the stuff.
I have slowly been taking stuff up stairs, but not putting it away. Its a mess, and yet, positive, its here, its mine, and I have a work place.
As I am writing this, I am slowly reminding myself of my worth, its hard work for me. I grew up in a church that any type of of self, was selfish/vanity. A very hard thing to overcome. Now mix in the trauma, the depression, the outside not wanting to know what its like, makes for quite a recipe for failure. Now what? Now comes the time to practice Mindfulness, a wonderful tool in my box. I start by pushing aside the past, and making a list of what I am good at, why I am good at it, Reinforcing the good in my life. Its hard work. The PTSD is always with me. I must be prepared for it, as a diabetic has a contingency plan, so must we.
My coffee is drank, my brownie eaten, my depression is in the back, I have artwork to do. I created 6 more tiny native women in stoneware.
I shall go forth and conquer TODAY, not tomorrow, maybe not even in 2 hours, but for this moment, I am moving forward, and as long as I am moving forward. I am not falling backward. May all of you know the peace of mind. You are not alone.
bjw
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Random Thoughts
Yesterday I attended on line services of my area church. Like getting a breath of fresh air. I am very thankful for my neighbors who allow me to pay a small amount and share their internet. I think, having the internet is my way of controlling the outside world into mine. I still have challenges everyday of going out "into the world" that is to shop, meetings necessary to keep my benefits. And all part of my recovery.
Creative people are sensitive, caring, usually more for others than themselves. I thought I was stupid, cause I just couldn't get math. But my brain, figured out a way to help me. I can do more than just get by, but still don't understand formulas. But guess what folks, in all the jobs I have had, it wasn't needed, even in being Controller of companies, it wasn't needed. And I didn't need to be put down in school because I couldn't do the math. You see, even at 60 years, it still creeps into my life. sigh......
Maybe this is a day of randomness? The world is celebrating Easter, and in a few weeks I will be participating in our Passover season. It is a sad time for me, as I realize just how much Jesus paid for me to have life. And then to be held accountable for myself trying to end mine. And then I am reminded that he did give his life so I could live. And I must live, I must do everything I can to stay in my recovery. I must. I must not give up again. But my reality says, its always a possibility. And I must always stay on guard. And I am doing my best to do so.
This morning, as I plan out my day. I am having my cup of coffee, and a bite of brownie with Trixie looking at me hoping to get a crumb. :)
And so the morning goes, I have my dishes in soaking. At least I will get one chore out of the way. :) I really need to work on getting things settled upstairs, but I need to do some more clay projects. So that is my main agenda today.
After waking up to snow yesterday, its quite refreshing to see the sun out, and no wind. Yea.
My kitchen is really tiny, and I have been trying to think of ways to make more storage without permanacy, cause it is a rental. I have some peg boards I got from Habitat, and they fit perfect on the sides of the cabinets. Now to figure out a way to attach. Almost have it, I will take before and after pics. I also have very high cabinets, that are really unusable, BUT, if I can get them open and keep open I can use for things not used everyday. And that is a simple fix, I have the little wood sticks, Nothing permanent, but useful. And so my brain goes. Flighty?, I prefer to call it detours. :)
Have an awesome day, and remember, anything worth having is worth the fight.
bjw
Creative people are sensitive, caring, usually more for others than themselves. I thought I was stupid, cause I just couldn't get math. But my brain, figured out a way to help me. I can do more than just get by, but still don't understand formulas. But guess what folks, in all the jobs I have had, it wasn't needed, even in being Controller of companies, it wasn't needed. And I didn't need to be put down in school because I couldn't do the math. You see, even at 60 years, it still creeps into my life. sigh......
Maybe this is a day of randomness? The world is celebrating Easter, and in a few weeks I will be participating in our Passover season. It is a sad time for me, as I realize just how much Jesus paid for me to have life. And then to be held accountable for myself trying to end mine. And then I am reminded that he did give his life so I could live. And I must live, I must do everything I can to stay in my recovery. I must. I must not give up again. But my reality says, its always a possibility. And I must always stay on guard. And I am doing my best to do so.
This morning, as I plan out my day. I am having my cup of coffee, and a bite of brownie with Trixie looking at me hoping to get a crumb. :)
After waking up to snow yesterday, its quite refreshing to see the sun out, and no wind. Yea.
My kitchen is really tiny, and I have been trying to think of ways to make more storage without permanacy, cause it is a rental. I have some peg boards I got from Habitat, and they fit perfect on the sides of the cabinets. Now to figure out a way to attach. Almost have it, I will take before and after pics. I also have very high cabinets, that are really unusable, BUT, if I can get them open and keep open I can use for things not used everyday. And that is a simple fix, I have the little wood sticks, Nothing permanent, but useful. And so my brain goes. Flighty?, I prefer to call it detours. :)
Have an awesome day, and remember, anything worth having is worth the fight.
bjw
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Endings and New Beginnings
Its been several days since I last posted. Been to Tucson, AZ and back. It was a very challenging trip. Anticipation,Anxiousness, fearing the unknown, more than looking forward to getting my belongings. Wondering what I would find that was stored. And then I would tell myself, don't cry over what you can't change. What is done is done. sign.....As the boys loaded and I kinda went thru things, cause I knew we couldn't take it all. I would have to choose. It made me sad, plus being right next door to the old Art Project building. I could not stop the tears, the memories flooding back in, the moment when I was told to get out, and then the moment I took the pills.
So, I got out the "tool box" and starting with "baby steps". A deep breath and then jumped right in. It was a battle for me. One that I needed to get control of. These were tiny baby steps. But it began to work and of course trying to make decisions quickly. So my mind was occupied. As I watched the trailer getting fuller and fuller, watching what was left of my life after 60 years. I got sad again. Not much of a statement of my life.
When we got home, I loaded stuff in my truck, To tired to be depressed I guess. I have been working hard with the therapist to replace these kinds of thoughts with positive mindfulness. As I said before, its hard work. Very hard work.
A storm was brewing, so I had to get the load into the house. Didn't seem like to much, but I was dragging. Now I have spent the last few days, cleaning up stuff, sorting out stuff that belongs to the business. It takes time, I am just not used to being so slow.
Red Dog is upset with me, don't know if its cause I left them alone, or the wind, or combination of it all.
So now I will bring a load in every so often, hopefully can rent a small storage unit for business stuff. I went on to another unpleasant situation to be dwelt with. I have been struggling with this since coming to Cortez, working with my therapist. Finally on Tuesday, I did it, I made the phone call. I will not say to much about this other than, I had written a letter to my Pastor and the main response that I brought back with me, was, that I needed to circle all the "I's', the "me's", because my statements were selfish and unthoughtful of others. That as I went thru, this letter, I should pray for someone else at each of my selfish words. At first I was angry, cause it was about me, how could I fix this, and the injustices that I felt had been directed at me. Then, I was angry, cause, I could not stand up for myself and say that. sigh.......I am no longer angry at his response. I will say, that there will always be people who don't fully get it. That is one of my tools, a reminder and not a condemnation. And thankfully I had a therapy session today, and we spoke of the above. She told me she had seen a utube video, with a Rabi and a lobster. He said the lobster starts out very small and as he outgrows his shell, he is vulnerable, until the larger shell grows. And it keeps doing this. I understand the analogy, just because I couldn't advocate for myself in this instance, it was ok, we will be vulnerable, but then we come back with a tougher exterior. :)
Anyone who reads my FB posts, knows I am a kind, loving, generous person, even tho the last few months have been so hard on me, I still had time for my art peeps, my brethren, my friends. And I am very much encouraged by that, the positive, and its not important for me that he knows I have been doing this. :) I am reminded, do not boost about our good deeds, all that matters is we do them.
I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels good. And to know I still am on the path of recovery.
I know this is kinda long tonight. But I wanted to share my challenges and how I came thru them. I am proud of this, as well as I should be. I am moving forward, doing my best to not look back. As a human being, its natural for us to do that. So working on our mindfulness, and reminding myself that I am human. And I am ok with it.
May you all have a blessed night
bjw
So, I got out the "tool box" and starting with "baby steps". A deep breath and then jumped right in. It was a battle for me. One that I needed to get control of. These were tiny baby steps. But it began to work and of course trying to make decisions quickly. So my mind was occupied. As I watched the trailer getting fuller and fuller, watching what was left of my life after 60 years. I got sad again. Not much of a statement of my life.
When we got home, I loaded stuff in my truck, To tired to be depressed I guess. I have been working hard with the therapist to replace these kinds of thoughts with positive mindfulness. As I said before, its hard work. Very hard work.
A storm was brewing, so I had to get the load into the house. Didn't seem like to much, but I was dragging. Now I have spent the last few days, cleaning up stuff, sorting out stuff that belongs to the business. It takes time, I am just not used to being so slow.
Red Dog is upset with me, don't know if its cause I left them alone, or the wind, or combination of it all.
So now I will bring a load in every so often, hopefully can rent a small storage unit for business stuff. I went on to another unpleasant situation to be dwelt with. I have been struggling with this since coming to Cortez, working with my therapist. Finally on Tuesday, I did it, I made the phone call. I will not say to much about this other than, I had written a letter to my Pastor and the main response that I brought back with me, was, that I needed to circle all the "I's', the "me's", because my statements were selfish and unthoughtful of others. That as I went thru, this letter, I should pray for someone else at each of my selfish words. At first I was angry, cause it was about me, how could I fix this, and the injustices that I felt had been directed at me. Then, I was angry, cause, I could not stand up for myself and say that. sigh.......I am no longer angry at his response. I will say, that there will always be people who don't fully get it. That is one of my tools, a reminder and not a condemnation. And thankfully I had a therapy session today, and we spoke of the above. She told me she had seen a utube video, with a Rabi and a lobster. He said the lobster starts out very small and as he outgrows his shell, he is vulnerable, until the larger shell grows. And it keeps doing this. I understand the analogy, just because I couldn't advocate for myself in this instance, it was ok, we will be vulnerable, but then we come back with a tougher exterior. :)
Anyone who reads my FB posts, knows I am a kind, loving, generous person, even tho the last few months have been so hard on me, I still had time for my art peeps, my brethren, my friends. And I am very much encouraged by that, the positive, and its not important for me that he knows I have been doing this. :) I am reminded, do not boost about our good deeds, all that matters is we do them.
I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels good. And to know I still am on the path of recovery.
I know this is kinda long tonight. But I wanted to share my challenges and how I came thru them. I am proud of this, as well as I should be. I am moving forward, doing my best to not look back. As a human being, its natural for us to do that. So working on our mindfulness, and reminding myself that I am human. And I am ok with it.
May you all have a blessed night
bjw
Friday, March 18, 2016
Smile, and smile some more.
Its an odd day for me. Why? Who knows. The wind is whooping it up. So much so that Red Dog refuses to go outside. Its warm here. I have been busy creating in clay, please come to Stonekoyote Design Works on FB and see what I have been up to. Actually more of those little people that I posted a few days back. Can't wait to get them fired so I can work up in jewelry.
Sooooooo, in a few hours we will be on our way to Tucson, AZ. To get the remainder of my household items. Kinda excited. My son wants to get er done. That means a really quick turn around trip.
I will be happy to get my vacuum cleaner and my Hoosier cabinet for the kitchen. Will use as my kitchen table and it has 2 nice bar stools that go with it. I don't like my house being messy, I have a tiny electric broom. but I usually just sweep it. Same in the kitchen. But I have no storage space. I am constantly moving things from one place to another.
Last night I had a phone call from one of my Art Peeps. She reminded me of just how important communication is with each other. Don't assume that the other person knows what your talking about, or what your going thru. And you need to ask questions if you don't understand. She was upset, searching for answers, I don't have the answers, but I can listen and share, but it all comes down to her. Can I make changes? I don't know until I try. I do need to take better care of myself. I live alone. I don't have to worry about someone else in my home becoming offended, overwhelmed with my illness, things like that. So it opens up a whole new can of worms when that is in the equation of life.
And so it comes back to communication. Without it you are set up to fail. You must communicate with your doctors, if you want quality care, and in Behavioral Health, thats a very hard thing to come by.
Being your own advocate, when I am really sick, its almost impossible for me to stand up for me. i usually become angry and that's no good. You can't get anything good out of that.
This is longer than I planned today. I will be headed out to my sons in a bit. then to a HS play about The Big Fish. My granddaughter is in it.
May you all have a blessed and safe weekend. Take care of yourself for a change. Its ok to give yourself permission.
bjw
Sooooooo, in a few hours we will be on our way to Tucson, AZ. To get the remainder of my household items. Kinda excited. My son wants to get er done. That means a really quick turn around trip.
I will be happy to get my vacuum cleaner and my Hoosier cabinet for the kitchen. Will use as my kitchen table and it has 2 nice bar stools that go with it. I don't like my house being messy, I have a tiny electric broom. but I usually just sweep it. Same in the kitchen. But I have no storage space. I am constantly moving things from one place to another.
Last night I had a phone call from one of my Art Peeps. She reminded me of just how important communication is with each other. Don't assume that the other person knows what your talking about, or what your going thru. And you need to ask questions if you don't understand. She was upset, searching for answers, I don't have the answers, but I can listen and share, but it all comes down to her. Can I make changes? I don't know until I try. I do need to take better care of myself. I live alone. I don't have to worry about someone else in my home becoming offended, overwhelmed with my illness, things like that. So it opens up a whole new can of worms when that is in the equation of life.
And so it comes back to communication. Without it you are set up to fail. You must communicate with your doctors, if you want quality care, and in Behavioral Health, thats a very hard thing to come by.
Being your own advocate, when I am really sick, its almost impossible for me to stand up for me. i usually become angry and that's no good. You can't get anything good out of that.
This is longer than I planned today. I will be headed out to my sons in a bit. then to a HS play about The Big Fish. My granddaughter is in it.
May you all have a blessed and safe weekend. Take care of yourself for a change. Its ok to give yourself permission.
bjw
Thursday, March 17, 2016
After the adventure......
Last night I just could not shut off the brain, Ideas galore were running amok. And then the fear started creeping in, that ole self doubt. What was I thinking? How could I take on a project like this? As those thoughts tried to take over, I used my self affirming tools. Well if you don't give it a shot, how will you ever know if you could be successful. Of course, I am reminded of the thought, if you don't try, you have already failed. That is not who I am, that is not who my parents raised, and it certainly is not what I taught my children. So as I drifted off to sleep, my thoughts now getting some organization, I fell asleep.
It was a good sound sleep, I awoke to Red Dog trying to kick me out of bed and Trixie downstairs, moving around, I didn't have much time to think about anything else but getting their day going....outside. I think I have mentioned that Red Dog and Trixie are service animals. I could not survive as well as I do, without them. Plus, since I live in a 2 story house, the dogs have never been exposed to that. Even after I got Red Dog to come up, she fell a couple of times, was anxious, but she wanted to be near me so bad, that she overcame that. As I was sitting on my bed last evening, Red Dog came to join me and I heard Trixie doing her little dance. But I was busy and not paying to much attention until I felt another wet nose on my leg and lo and behold, there was my little girl, she had heard Red Dog rattling a bag, and guess her curiosity got the better of her. It was an empowering moment for me.
So, I have been doing some research on the Southern Rio Grande B and B, getting ready to start her blog and FB page.
As well as helping a horse rescue place here in Cortez, doing paperwork. In exchange for horse riding privileges.
Today is another good day. We take them as they come. I appreciate these days more and more. I must rein myself in, because it has always been my nature to stay busy. I must remember the Clint Eastwood line, "A man has got to know his limitations." Doesn't offend me in the least the use of the word man. A reminder, baby steps, baby steps.
Headed to Mancus in a bit, taking over some of my sculptures. I know I didn't post pics. sigh
Have a blessed day. Enjoy your good days. Reality is, it won't last, but as with everything, we should be prepared for those days as well.
It was a good sound sleep, I awoke to Red Dog trying to kick me out of bed and Trixie downstairs, moving around, I didn't have much time to think about anything else but getting their day going....outside. I think I have mentioned that Red Dog and Trixie are service animals. I could not survive as well as I do, without them. Plus, since I live in a 2 story house, the dogs have never been exposed to that. Even after I got Red Dog to come up, she fell a couple of times, was anxious, but she wanted to be near me so bad, that she overcame that. As I was sitting on my bed last evening, Red Dog came to join me and I heard Trixie doing her little dance. But I was busy and not paying to much attention until I felt another wet nose on my leg and lo and behold, there was my little girl, she had heard Red Dog rattling a bag, and guess her curiosity got the better of her. It was an empowering moment for me.
So, I have been doing some research on the Southern Rio Grande B and B, getting ready to start her blog and FB page.
As well as helping a horse rescue place here in Cortez, doing paperwork. In exchange for horse riding privileges.
Today is another good day. We take them as they come. I appreciate these days more and more. I must rein myself in, because it has always been my nature to stay busy. I must remember the Clint Eastwood line, "A man has got to know his limitations." Doesn't offend me in the least the use of the word man. A reminder, baby steps, baby steps.
Headed to Mancus in a bit, taking over some of my sculptures. I know I didn't post pics. sigh
Have a blessed day. Enjoy your good days. Reality is, it won't last, but as with everything, we should be prepared for those days as well.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Its a beautiful morning And what an adventure!
I slept well last night, although it required a med. The wind still blowing, but not as hard. yet. LOL I finally made it out of bed yesterday afternoon. I got out my clay, and created 4 new little miniature native girls. Corn Maidens, they are called. I am pleased with the work, but mostly pleased that I got up and going.
I am going on a little adventure in a bit. I found some cool cowboy boots to use for display of some of my jewelry. I have been making Boot Belts, they are like a bracelet for your boot. Kind of hard to envision. But I think your boot should have jewelry as well.
Will come back and work on more small pieces. I am going to run up to Mancos tomorrow and leave for firing.
Ah, I hear the wind, its beginning to howl, but I am in a better place today. My tools are working, and I am looking forward to going out.
I don't like going out still. Once I am out, I am ok, Its the thought and preparation of getting ready. I have never been a lazy person. I think its still the unknown, what is going to happen to me out there? There it is, the fear, and then I get anxious, and all before I walk out the door. Really sounds unreasonable when I see it in print. But that's how it is in my world.
I think I won't post this until I get back from adventure. I like calling them that, for me its a word of possibly a positive thing.
So, until later. :) I shall go forth and adventure.
I think this may be a teaser, because I want to do a blog for this little bit of heaven in Delores, CO.
I found her on line she was selling small items, and she posted a pair of cowboy boots, for 3.00 just my kind of price. Today I drove over and what a surprise I got. One, its an historical Bed and Breakfast. Beautiful inside, rustic on the outside. Beautiful woman, her heart shows her beauty. Anyway, someone had taken the boots, but I was ok with that. It happens. But what history and exchanging of stories, was priceless. I will post some pics. I have volunteered to assist her, in marketing and social media things. She is a maverick, a typical woman. No offense guys, but woman fight for what is normal for a man to get. And she is a fighter. She has been in battle with the town Fathers who want to not only shut her down, but clear the property for "new development". An wonderful piece of history put on the National Registry of old buildings. Why would someone do that you ask? Cause she is competition, shes is a maverick in a good way, she cannot be bought or run out of town. As the days go by, I will be working on her blog and keeping on with mine.
This may prove to be more of a challenge than I am up to. But, as with all things, if you don't try, you cannot fail. Right.
I guess I feel I have a purpose, not just to help her, but helping her helps me. I hope you understand that we must take these risks, but at baby steps, always remember, baby steps. So today to say, its been a great day, is true. We relish in the good, when we get those days and build memories, to store in our tool box to help get us thru the bad. And I am not fool enough to think this is a cure all to end all. But its an OPPORTUNITY, one that I cannot pass by. All because of a pair of 3.00 cowboy boots. One day I will tell you the story of the leather toilet seat that lead to one of the biggest opportunities in my life.
I am going on a little adventure in a bit. I found some cool cowboy boots to use for display of some of my jewelry. I have been making Boot Belts, they are like a bracelet for your boot. Kind of hard to envision. But I think your boot should have jewelry as well.
Will come back and work on more small pieces. I am going to run up to Mancos tomorrow and leave for firing.
Ah, I hear the wind, its beginning to howl, but I am in a better place today. My tools are working, and I am looking forward to going out.
I don't like going out still. Once I am out, I am ok, Its the thought and preparation of getting ready. I have never been a lazy person. I think its still the unknown, what is going to happen to me out there? There it is, the fear, and then I get anxious, and all before I walk out the door. Really sounds unreasonable when I see it in print. But that's how it is in my world.
I think I won't post this until I get back from adventure. I like calling them that, for me its a word of possibly a positive thing.
So, until later. :) I shall go forth and adventure.
I think this may be a teaser, because I want to do a blog for this little bit of heaven in Delores, CO.
I found her on line she was selling small items, and she posted a pair of cowboy boots, for 3.00 just my kind of price. Today I drove over and what a surprise I got. One, its an historical Bed and Breakfast. Beautiful inside, rustic on the outside. Beautiful woman, her heart shows her beauty. Anyway, someone had taken the boots, but I was ok with that. It happens. But what history and exchanging of stories, was priceless. I will post some pics. I have volunteered to assist her, in marketing and social media things. She is a maverick, a typical woman. No offense guys, but woman fight for what is normal for a man to get. And she is a fighter. She has been in battle with the town Fathers who want to not only shut her down, but clear the property for "new development". An wonderful piece of history put on the National Registry of old buildings. Why would someone do that you ask? Cause she is competition, shes is a maverick in a good way, she cannot be bought or run out of town. As the days go by, I will be working on her blog and keeping on with mine.
This may prove to be more of a challenge than I am up to. But, as with all things, if you don't try, you cannot fail. Right.
I guess I feel I have a purpose, not just to help her, but helping her helps me. I hope you understand that we must take these risks, but at baby steps, always remember, baby steps. So today to say, its been a great day, is true. We relish in the good, when we get those days and build memories, to store in our tool box to help get us thru the bad. And I am not fool enough to think this is a cure all to end all. But its an OPPORTUNITY, one that I cannot pass by. All because of a pair of 3.00 cowboy boots. One day I will tell you the story of the leather toilet seat that lead to one of the biggest opportunities in my life.
What a beautiful place. I am in love. :)
Can you believe that the Delores city fathers wants this to go away, to be torn done?
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
The Wind
I hate the wind, I mean I really hate it. I remember my Daddy going out and sitting in the car every time a storm came up and the wind. I believe that my Dad had depression, with that depression came the anger,I think it can be inherited. The chemical imbalances that I have could well have been genetically passed from him. I just know I hate the wind. It effects me, my moods, my life.
Last night hard wind, could hear it thru the trees, whipping around the house. Dogs were restless. I think Red Dog hates the wind as much as I do. She fears it, she hides.
This morning, lots of emotions, tears, loneliness, sad, not understanding why I am feeling this way, not suicidal, no not that. I am way anxious, like a storm is coming, I am afraid.
Wanting to control how I am feeling and yet not able to. I don't like that either. I want to be fixed...I want to be well and stay that way. Maybe there is fear in all of this. I start doubting my ability to stay well, and yes I am talking to God about it.
I lay in bed, listening to that wind. Watching it blow the trees around. And I do not see beauty, I see fear, I see all the disappointments, the failures in my life. Things that I come to terms with everyday, today is just worse.
Today I need the hugs, someone to show how much they care for me. Someone to hold me and comfort me physically. I need the human touch. That's depression...in my world. Today, that's what it is.
I hope to climb out of this bed later on and do some more tiny sculptures. That is my goal. We shall see.
I have been on Face Book today. I found this interesting article, that I want to share with you. I hope it helps.
bjw
Last night hard wind, could hear it thru the trees, whipping around the house. Dogs were restless. I think Red Dog hates the wind as much as I do. She fears it, she hides.
This morning, lots of emotions, tears, loneliness, sad, not understanding why I am feeling this way, not suicidal, no not that. I am way anxious, like a storm is coming, I am afraid.
Wanting to control how I am feeling and yet not able to. I don't like that either. I want to be fixed...I want to be well and stay that way. Maybe there is fear in all of this. I start doubting my ability to stay well, and yes I am talking to God about it.
I lay in bed, listening to that wind. Watching it blow the trees around. And I do not see beauty, I see fear, I see all the disappointments, the failures in my life. Things that I come to terms with everyday, today is just worse.
Today I need the hugs, someone to show how much they care for me. Someone to hold me and comfort me physically. I need the human touch. That's depression...in my world. Today, that's what it is.
I hope to climb out of this bed later on and do some more tiny sculptures. That is my goal. We shall see.
I have been on Face Book today. I found this interesting article, that I want to share with you. I hope it helps.
bjw
Mental health myths and facts
Myth: Mental health problems are very rare.
Fact: 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem in any given year.
Myth: People with mental illness aren’t able to work.
Fact: We probably all work with someone experiencing a mental health problem.
Myth: Young people just go through ups and downs as part of puberty, it’s nothing.
Fact: 1 in 10 young people will experience a mental health problem.
Myth: People with mental health illnesses are usually violent and unpredictable.
Fact: People with a mental illness are more likely to be a victim of violence.
Myth: People with mental health problems don't experience discrimination
Fact: 9 out of 10 people with mental health problems experience stigma and discrimination.
Myth: It’s easy for young people to talk to friends about their feelings.
Fact: Nearly three in four young people fear the reactions of friends when they talk about their mental health problems.
Fact: 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem in any given year.
Myth: People with mental illness aren’t able to work.
Fact: We probably all work with someone experiencing a mental health problem.
Myth: Young people just go through ups and downs as part of puberty, it’s nothing.
Fact: 1 in 10 young people will experience a mental health problem.
Myth: People with mental health illnesses are usually violent and unpredictable.
Fact: People with a mental illness are more likely to be a victim of violence.
Myth: People with mental health problems don't experience discrimination
Fact: 9 out of 10 people with mental health problems experience stigma and discrimination.
Myth: It’s easy for young people to talk to friends about their feelings.
Fact: Nearly three in four young people fear the reactions of friends when they talk about their mental health problems.
Monday, March 14, 2016
It's Monday....really?
This morning was a "blue" morning. Melancholy sort of morning. Why? I don't know. That's part of depression. If you wake up feeling that way, its hard to grab a "tool".
From the time I can remember, God has played a role in my life. The good, the bad, and the ugly, in me. So this morning, I started my conversation with God, (oh boy, she really is a nut job). :) As I focus on talking to God about feeling blue, I start calming down, and the more I talk, the more I am leaving those other thoughts away. I had a great relationship with my Dad, and I remember a minster telling us that we could approach our Father in the same way. For me, easier cause of the good relationship. Anyway, many many times during my older years as I faced the traumas, I would envision myself crawling up into my Fathers lap and snuggling down, being comforted. Maybe a man would see it differently, what I am saying is, A TOOL in your mental health tool box is a tool to use. So use it.
Its around 9:30 am. I am now up, had my coffee and snack and now organizing my day. I have Facebooked, shared with friends, concentrating on positive messages. Written a note to my big brother, Skip and now to blog.
As always, if you think its a piece of pie to stay well, then you need a better therapist. I will always be in recovery, I am one of the lucky ones, I am not battling a drug or alcohol addiction. So, I don't have those cravings to overcome. I want to be the one who is a shoulder to lean on when they fall, together we are strong. Alone, we are just that, alone.
And we come to the art part. Oh I like that "the art part". I must have things to make me smile, no matter how small. I have been told I have a beautiful smile, and its infectious. Many, many times, behind that smile are tears and sadness, but in that instance, I have passed on the gift of laughter. Its a good thing.
Art, is in everyone, it is everyone. We just need to find out what and who we are in that, and go for it. I needed someone to help me re discover my art. I have always had some form of art in my life. But after the abuser, I may have done a couple of things. But in 10 years, not really. It was buried really deep. Until I found a wonderful place called Art Awakenings. And that is exactly what it did for me. There are lots of people who attended who had never touched a brush, or played in the mud. And yet, they were willing to try, to put in the effort, to be encouraged to have the self worth that they deserved. Everyone who graduates from Art Awakenings is a success. Whether they maintain that success, is dependent upon, their commitment to stay in recover, to have a good support team, and yet we fall. Its such hard work. I get tired, so tired, I have given up, and I had a great tool box, I thought a great support system, and yet I wanted to die, and tried to do just that.
I didn't die, I refuse to give up again. But I must be aware of that possibility, so I keep the Crisis # in my phone. Baby steps, baby steps.
The positive today, Ya its Monday, I am now in a better place than 2 hours ago. We can do this together. My day? More little native girls are going to come to life in my clay work. May you have a most blessed day.
bjw
From the time I can remember, God has played a role in my life. The good, the bad, and the ugly, in me. So this morning, I started my conversation with God, (oh boy, she really is a nut job). :) As I focus on talking to God about feeling blue, I start calming down, and the more I talk, the more I am leaving those other thoughts away. I had a great relationship with my Dad, and I remember a minster telling us that we could approach our Father in the same way. For me, easier cause of the good relationship. Anyway, many many times during my older years as I faced the traumas, I would envision myself crawling up into my Fathers lap and snuggling down, being comforted. Maybe a man would see it differently, what I am saying is, A TOOL in your mental health tool box is a tool to use. So use it.
Its around 9:30 am. I am now up, had my coffee and snack and now organizing my day. I have Facebooked, shared with friends, concentrating on positive messages. Written a note to my big brother, Skip and now to blog.
As always, if you think its a piece of pie to stay well, then you need a better therapist. I will always be in recovery, I am one of the lucky ones, I am not battling a drug or alcohol addiction. So, I don't have those cravings to overcome. I want to be the one who is a shoulder to lean on when they fall, together we are strong. Alone, we are just that, alone.
And we come to the art part. Oh I like that "the art part". I must have things to make me smile, no matter how small. I have been told I have a beautiful smile, and its infectious. Many, many times, behind that smile are tears and sadness, but in that instance, I have passed on the gift of laughter. Its a good thing.
Art, is in everyone, it is everyone. We just need to find out what and who we are in that, and go for it. I needed someone to help me re discover my art. I have always had some form of art in my life. But after the abuser, I may have done a couple of things. But in 10 years, not really. It was buried really deep. Until I found a wonderful place called Art Awakenings. And that is exactly what it did for me. There are lots of people who attended who had never touched a brush, or played in the mud. And yet, they were willing to try, to put in the effort, to be encouraged to have the self worth that they deserved. Everyone who graduates from Art Awakenings is a success. Whether they maintain that success, is dependent upon, their commitment to stay in recover, to have a good support team, and yet we fall. Its such hard work. I get tired, so tired, I have given up, and I had a great tool box, I thought a great support system, and yet I wanted to die, and tried to do just that.
I didn't die, I refuse to give up again. But I must be aware of that possibility, so I keep the Crisis # in my phone. Baby steps, baby steps.
The positive today, Ya its Monday, I am now in a better place than 2 hours ago. We can do this together. My day? More little native girls are going to come to life in my clay work. May you have a most blessed day.
bjw
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Sunday's art project
These 2 little native girls are 1" and 1.5" respectfully. They are still un fired stoneware clay, Can't wait to get them fired and then trimmed in turquoise and silver. I think they are going to make jewelry focals. I have more to come.
So the here comes the art part. When I am working with my clay, the world ceases to exist for me. And that is a positive thing. I am like creating something good, no judgments, no expectations. I am excited to create.
Now, there is going to be a downside, I am responsible to maintain my recovery. I can't help but be concerned. I am using my coping skills and tools.
This coming up weekend I am traveling with my son to pick up the rest of my things from storage. I am excited about it now. I was very anxious, dredging up the old trauma. It is still very fresh in my mind. But pushing forward, baby steps, baby steps. Its been working well for me again. Peace out. bjw
Friday, March 11, 2016
A bit of positive nostalgia about moi......
http://www.codac.org/recovery-stories/
Bonnie W. – Molding a Beautiful Life
Broken Pieces
Until recently, Bonnie W. lived with a broken spirit and shattered self-esteem. Her feelings and outlook on life paralleled the fragility of the delicate ceramic pieces she creates.
Years of trauma, loss and emotional and physical abuse left her feeling vulnerable and alone.
“When I think about the trauma in my life, it’s not like it’s just a hang nail,” Bonnie shares.
“It’s the house burning down, the loss of a child, and multiple divorces…,” she says as she lists traumatic experiences that molded her life.
“Whenever something good happened to me, I would just wait because I knew the other shoe would drop not long after.”
After enduring more than eight years in an abusive relationship, Bonnie fled to Tucson from Missouri with the help of her son, Michael.
For many victims of domestic violence, the decision to leave an abusive relationship can be incredibly challenging. There are many reasons why it can be hard for people to leave abusive relationships, but Bonnie had the support of her son, and was ready.
Even while living hundreds of miles away, Bonnie feared that her husband would find her. This fear consumed her life and fueled a quickly escalating depression.
“I remember crying so much, that I didn’t think I would ever stop,” says Bonnie tearfully.
Her depression was severe enough that, more than once, she attempted suicide.
Mending the Soul
Friends and business partners Al and Bonnie started a new business called "The Art Project" where artists in recovery can have a safe and empowering space to create.
With the gentle support of an encouraging neighbor, Bonnie sought help from Emerge!, a local agency that provides services and treatment for victims of domestic violence.
“When I learned that there were other women who have gone through what I have, I didn’t feel alone anymore.”
Bonnie showed up to support groups and, many times, would just listen and absorb the shared stories of other survivors of domestic violence. Emerge! connected Bonnie with behavioral health services at CODAC where she actively participated in groups, therapy, and received medication support to aid in her recovery.
Over time, Bonnie became more self-confident, learned how to identify warning signs in relationships and how to recognize her own positive self-worth.
While receiving services at CODAC, Bonnie’s Care Manager referred her to PSA Art Awakenings to complement her care. Art Awakenings is an art program that promotes recovery through creative expression and, for Bonnie, was the most influential component of recovery.
The referral to PSA Art Awakenings “saved my life,” she emphasizes. Bonnie found comfort in creating art in a space that is safe, comfortable and empowering.
“When I was with my abuser, I had no voice and no sense of worth. As time passed, I blossomed and began building my self-esteem back.”
Upon completion of her program at PSA Art Awakenings, Bonnie grew increasingly uneasy of what she would do next.
John H. rents space at Bonnie's business where he enjoys creating abstract art with acrylic paint.
She felt comfortable among her peers and enjoyed having a creative, safe place with social support. Her talent as an artist had been nurtured and Bonnie had further developed her abilities in ceramics, painting, and graphic design among, other skills.
“Art saved my life and I wanted the opportunity to share that with others and offer a way for other artists to keep their recoveries going, too.”
Bonnie brainstormed with her close friend Al Alvarez and together, they created a business proposal to offer a space for artists in recovery to create art. Nearly two years of planning later, Bonnie’s dream has taken shape. She and Al have opened a business called “The Art Project” where artists can do just that.
Through Bonnie’s testimony we learn, that as she says, “the thing about clay —and life— is that you can remold it and rework it until you create something beautiful.”
Maybe this will give you a little bit more insight about who and what I am and was.
My lost post from Thursday :)
I hope I am a stronger woman. Each time I find a post like this, I try and save it. Positive affirmation is crucial in recovery. Just like a recipe, you have necessary ingredients, you leave one out, and something is not quite right. Just like me, I have found that in order for my success, I need the following.
God
Art
Support group
Positive affirmations
Peer Support
You noticed that I put GOD first. I can feed the body, but if my mind is not healing. I have no use for the food. I do have God in my life, and then my Art. All ingredients to make me whole.
Since I had therapy yesterday, there are always mixed emotions. For the past few months a real struggle, and the last couple of months, the traumas are still there, but becoming very manageable. Meaning, I am coping better, it shows in many aspects of my life and I love how it is showing up in my art.
Making up my mind to live.....is hard work in the way, of keeping on task of working on keeping my appointments, of sharing all the things that happen, the good the bad and the ugly. It is very important to have a support team. Of at least 3 that know enough about you that if you call and tell them you are in crisis, they will come to you. Serious, yes, save a life, I hope, I never thought that a trauma would send me to the suicide answer. I was doing great. Been off one of my meds for anxiety for a year.. The Art Project was growing, we had great artists in recovery of their mental illness, we all were hanging in there. Art makes a difference. And you ask why/what happened that I fell.
Someone, as we all do, have free will...and a person who decided that we no longer could be there, evicted us with a 5 day notice. No warning, no trying to work something out, no talking except to tell me to get out. I did attempt to call my support team. I did not get thru, and then it just seemed like why should I live, I ceertainly didn't have any value, No recognizable value to the community. All the work I had done for the past year, I saw gone. I was tired, discouraged, my mind just shut down. And so I made the free will choice of trying to die.
But now I live, and I am working hard at staying alive. If this touches any of you and you need to talk, I'm as close as this blog. Please don't give up like I did, We have value, we have worth.
bjw
Thursday, March 10, 2016
It was therapist day.....
I had started a posting this morning. But it disappeared. Probably find it someday. who know.
It has been a great day. Great therapy. Haven't seen her in a month, so we did a catch up session. Sharing with her the positive of the last few weeks. The response to my "Paint Party" was good, and teaching workshops at The Painted Turtle Studio, in Mancus. So, good to feel good, To know that I am putting into action what I am learning with the EMDR.
Got to speak to TJ and Em from The Art Project. They are doing great. We talked about the future, of how they are going forward. And that there may be an opportunity for another type of Art Project here in Cortez. I have my work cut out for me. Although most of the research and paperwork is done, just needs to be organized and then appointments made to present it. Oh,,,that is still scary for me. but I will giterdone. LOL
My new art friend Lacy is moving in 15 days, she has made a very positive impact on my life and recovery. She is a cancer survivor, a very brave and courageous young woman. We are very blessed to live in a world of the internet, so we can keep in touch that way. After all thats how we met. :)
Another reason its been a great day, I am a fan of Dirty Harry movies. And I found a place on line that I can watch for free. Don't ask me why I like them so much, maybe because I was bullied so much as a kid, as the eldest child, it was up to me to take up for my siblings. There was really no one to take up for me. Or maybe I just dig Clint Eastwood. :)
Tonight I leave you with these thoughts. Recovery is always in progress, whether forward or backward. But we always must keep working at it. I do not want that dark cloud of suicide thoughts to creep back into my life. Thats hard work, relearning and breaking bad habits, bad thoughts. And I am going to share a link about depression and how art makes a difference.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/art-therapy-depression-expression-0619125
Peace out and I look forward to another day.
It has been a great day. Great therapy. Haven't seen her in a month, so we did a catch up session. Sharing with her the positive of the last few weeks. The response to my "Paint Party" was good, and teaching workshops at The Painted Turtle Studio, in Mancus. So, good to feel good, To know that I am putting into action what I am learning with the EMDR.
Got to speak to TJ and Em from The Art Project. They are doing great. We talked about the future, of how they are going forward. And that there may be an opportunity for another type of Art Project here in Cortez. I have my work cut out for me. Although most of the research and paperwork is done, just needs to be organized and then appointments made to present it. Oh,,,that is still scary for me. but I will giterdone. LOL
My new art friend Lacy is moving in 15 days, she has made a very positive impact on my life and recovery. She is a cancer survivor, a very brave and courageous young woman. We are very blessed to live in a world of the internet, so we can keep in touch that way. After all thats how we met. :)
Another reason its been a great day, I am a fan of Dirty Harry movies. And I found a place on line that I can watch for free. Don't ask me why I like them so much, maybe because I was bullied so much as a kid, as the eldest child, it was up to me to take up for my siblings. There was really no one to take up for me. Or maybe I just dig Clint Eastwood. :)
Tonight I leave you with these thoughts. Recovery is always in progress, whether forward or backward. But we always must keep working at it. I do not want that dark cloud of suicide thoughts to creep back into my life. Thats hard work, relearning and breaking bad habits, bad thoughts. And I am going to share a link about depression and how art makes a difference.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/art-therapy-depression-expression-0619125
Peace out and I look forward to another day.
Thought for the day decreasing emotional reactivity
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/calm-in-the-storm-part-i-decreasing-emotional-reactivity-0915154
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Wednesday
Today was doctor day. While telling me that I am overall pretty healthy, she asked about my mental state.
We started talking about how EMDR was helping and what was I doing with it. All very positive. She listened to me talk about The Art Project llc. What might be future hopes and dreams reinventing it for Cortez, CO. I think I might at least give it a shot. Get all my paperwork in order, my artist resume. and revamp the brochure. It needs to be updated. The gift of art, is priceless. It touches our lives in so many ways, mostly positive.
When I am working my clay, the outside world ceases to exist. When I wedge the clay, I can beat the clay without injuring myself, or others, And then comes the peace of what am I going to create today.
I finished up some Spirit Dolls that was started 8 months ago. A great satisfaction in the finishing, but kinda sad for me. But I still have tons of projects to finish up. I am good at starting, but really slow to finishing. LOL
Oh yes, we also talked about the "Paint Parties" right now they have to travel almost 100 miles round trip to do one. I can offer one here, in their own homes, give the hostess her class for free, and still make enough to maybe have cable back in home. I like the company of the tv. Also very important to have the internet. I tend to isolate myself. But not in a harmful way. Its going to be about trust, and probably always will be.
I have my art, my clay, my pages that I keep up on face book. So, I am still interacting, just on my terms, and that is ok. Perfectly acceptable.
I am excited to start putting this together. But back of my mind is the dark cloud, telling me its ok if it doesn't come to fruition. Its always going to be there, but I am working my way thru it. to at least give it a try. You cannot fail, if you do not try....You cannot be successful if you do not try.
Long day, but I wanted to post a bit and show you the pictures of the new items. Peace out, be safe, and kind.
We started talking about how EMDR was helping and what was I doing with it. All very positive. She listened to me talk about The Art Project llc. What might be future hopes and dreams reinventing it for Cortez, CO. I think I might at least give it a shot. Get all my paperwork in order, my artist resume. and revamp the brochure. It needs to be updated. The gift of art, is priceless. It touches our lives in so many ways, mostly positive.
When I am working my clay, the outside world ceases to exist. When I wedge the clay, I can beat the clay without injuring myself, or others, And then comes the peace of what am I going to create today.
I finished up some Spirit Dolls that was started 8 months ago. A great satisfaction in the finishing, but kinda sad for me. But I still have tons of projects to finish up. I am good at starting, but really slow to finishing. LOL
Oh yes, we also talked about the "Paint Parties" right now they have to travel almost 100 miles round trip to do one. I can offer one here, in their own homes, give the hostess her class for free, and still make enough to maybe have cable back in home. I like the company of the tv. Also very important to have the internet. I tend to isolate myself. But not in a harmful way. Its going to be about trust, and probably always will be.
I have my art, my clay, my pages that I keep up on face book. So, I am still interacting, just on my terms, and that is ok. Perfectly acceptable.
I am excited to start putting this together. But back of my mind is the dark cloud, telling me its ok if it doesn't come to fruition. Its always going to be there, but I am working my way thru it. to at least give it a try. You cannot fail, if you do not try....You cannot be successful if you do not try.
Long day, but I wanted to post a bit and show you the pictures of the new items. Peace out, be safe, and kind.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
The Stonekoyote
In my artist statement, I have described my art work as a detour, I go from one medium to another. Whatever suits my fancy,
I have had a business called Stonekoyote Design Works, for a very long time. I have never really posted to much info about myself other than my artwork on my Face Book page, until recently.
With this said, my blog is a detour, what ever is on my mind at the time. I hope you can understand and keep coming back to read.
I posted this yesterday to my Stonekoyote page, and want to share it today here.
Stonekoyote is about to go on another adventure. I will be conducting workshops at The Painted Turtle in Mancus, CO. Its an exciting time for me, will be the first interaction in the field since June, 2015. The gal there is an awesome person. And I look forward to a long relationship. We don't like the words, dysfunction, mental illness, it conjures up and continues to have a stigma attached to it, that we should stay locked up, hidden away from the world. But this chicky is not hiding any more. A severe trauma brought me to Cortez, CO last year. Its been a difficult last few months. Lots of therapy, lots of love, support, encouragement. A reason to live. And now this opportunity. As you look over my art, keep in mind, I have a mental illness. And yet look at what beauty I create. Thats who I am, a survivor, I AM AN ARTIST and I will continue to advocate for myself and all of you out there. Do not be ashamed, do not let someone tell you, you don't have worth or value, smile emoticon cause you do, and pass it on. Its a great day out there. If you ever need to talk or just introduce yourself. I am here. Go forth and conquer.
So this is part of a part of where my art starts coming in. I do invite you to come and see my artwork at the https://www.facebook.com/Stonekoyote-Design-Works-120886634666800/
It speaks of my mental status as well
Today is a good day. I have some small clay projects I want to start. I am looking forward to a weekend after this to go to Tucson and pick up the rest of my person things. I think it will feel more like a home to me then. But it has also been a scary thought. I will be going back to where the trauma took place. And I do plan on sharing that story with you. One day. Right now, I am more than surviving it. I am moving forward in a positive way. Have an awesome day. Its suppose to get to 65 here today. I am looking forward to the warmer weather, and the warm in my heart.
smile emoticon
I have had a business called Stonekoyote Design Works, for a very long time. I have never really posted to much info about myself other than my artwork on my Face Book page, until recently.
With this said, my blog is a detour, what ever is on my mind at the time. I hope you can understand and keep coming back to read.
I posted this yesterday to my Stonekoyote page, and want to share it today here.
Stonekoyote is about to go on another adventure. I will be conducting workshops at The Painted Turtle in Mancus, CO. Its an exciting time for me, will be the first interaction in the field since June, 2015. The gal there is an awesome person. And I look forward to a long relationship. We don't like the words, dysfunction, mental illness, it conjures up and continues to have a stigma attached to it, that we should stay locked up, hidden away from the world. But this chicky is not hiding any more. A severe trauma brought me to Cortez, CO last year. Its been a difficult last few months. Lots of therapy, lots of love, support, encouragement. A reason to live. And now this opportunity. As you look over my art, keep in mind, I have a mental illness. And yet look at what beauty I create. Thats who I am, a survivor, I AM AN ARTIST and I will continue to advocate for myself and all of you out there. Do not be ashamed, do not let someone tell you, you don't have worth or value, smile emoticon cause you do, and pass it on. Its a great day out there. If you ever need to talk or just introduce yourself. I am here. Go forth and conquer.
So this is part of a part of where my art starts coming in. I do invite you to come and see my artwork at the https://www.facebook.com/Stonekoyote-Design-Works-120886634666800/
It speaks of my mental status as well
Today is a good day. I have some small clay projects I want to start. I am looking forward to a weekend after this to go to Tucson and pick up the rest of my person things. I think it will feel more like a home to me then. But it has also been a scary thought. I will be going back to where the trauma took place. And I do plan on sharing that story with you. One day. Right now, I am more than surviving it. I am moving forward in a positive way. Have an awesome day. Its suppose to get to 65 here today. I am looking forward to the warmer weather, and the warm in my heart.
smile emoticon
Sunday, March 6, 2016
The morning after I killed myself By Meggie Royer
The morning after I killed
myself, I woke up. I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and
pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich.
I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from
the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the
dishes and folded the towels. The morning after I killed myself, I
fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school
principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left
the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the
way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my
collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in
love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a
bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once
believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying
desperately to believe I still existed. The morning after I killed
myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a
bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw
the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned
around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in
my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted
beneath their touch like she did once for mine. The morning after I
killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my
footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were
already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and
watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper
with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the
kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication. The morning after I
killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened
like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red
cloud to his mother. The morning after I killed myself, I went back
to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I
told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and
her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.
The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but
couldn’t finish what I started. By Meggie Royer
I am a survivor of a suicide attempt. Yes I tried to kill myself. The pain is so great, that even with coping skills, a support team, I tried to kill myself. I have known people who finished the deed. I have watched the aftermath. I have lived the aftermath, with my family. You don't think about what goes on after you die. Some say we are selfish to put our families thru this. I have lived to see the pain on my sons face, him trying to figure out why, and at the same time, thankful that I still lived. Its only been 7 months since that fateful day. I didn't get up that morning and decide to die. It was a great morning, I had just returned from visiting my 92 year old mom. I was happy to be back at The Art Project llc. So much to do, happy to see my dogs. It was just a great day. Plans for moving forward with the project. Yes, a very happy day UNTIL I got the phone call from the property manager, telling me he needed to talk to me. The day my world ended as I knew it.
After he had said his bit, I left the office, dead inside. I went back to the art studio, I really did try to get a hold of my support team. It didn't happen, and then a peace came over me, and I swallowed the bottle of pills. Laid back in my recliner and went to sleep. No note, no explanation, as always, my problem, my solution.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
The Artist in me
I am an artist with a mental illness. Wow, that should really stop you. Is she crazy? NO, I have survived many traumas in my life. Did you know that 1 in 5 people, know someone who struggles with a mental illness? Either a family member, a friend, a friend of a friend, an employer, you get the idea. We can function, lead a life, have a family and yet some of us after repeated traumas, find ourselves not being able to handle it any more. NO, we don't go off the deep end and want to harm someone else, its usually we want to harm ourselves. I, being one of those people.
The pain of the soul. That sounds pretty crazy in itself. Right Grief, sorrow, if you have lost someone near and dear to you, you know its painful. Well that's how I feel in my soul, I have lost who I am. And I really want to find me. I really want to love who I am.
So what am I saying? That everyone out there has a mental illness due to trauma. No, but there are a lot of us out there who do not receive any kind of support. And support is much needed for us to live a "normal" life. And that in itself opens up a new line of discussion, just what is normal?
And what does all of this have to do with art?
The pain of the soul. That sounds pretty crazy in itself. Right Grief, sorrow, if you have lost someone near and dear to you, you know its painful. Well that's how I feel in my soul, I have lost who I am. And I really want to find me. I really want to love who I am.
So what am I saying? That everyone out there has a mental illness due to trauma. No, but there are a lot of us out there who do not receive any kind of support. And support is much needed for us to live a "normal" life. And that in itself opens up a new line of discussion, just what is normal?
And what does all of this have to do with art?
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