My lost post from Thursday :)

I hope I am a stronger woman. Each time I find a post like this, I try and save it. Positive affirmation is crucial in recovery. Just like a recipe, you have necessary ingredients, you leave one out, and something is not quite right. Just like me, I have found that in order for my success, I need the following. 

God

Art

Support group

Positive affirmations

Peer Support

You noticed that I put GOD first. I can feed the body, but if my mind is not healing. I have no use for the food. I do have God in my life, and then my Art. All ingredients to make me whole. 

Since I had therapy yesterday, there are always mixed emotions. For the past few months a real struggle, and the last couple of months, the traumas are still there, but becoming very manageable. Meaning, I am coping better, it shows in many aspects of my life and I love how it is showing up in my art. 

Making up my mind to live.....is hard work in the way, of keeping on task of working on keeping my appointments, of sharing all the things that happen, the good the bad and the ugly. It is very important to have a support team. Of at least 3 that know enough about you that if you call and tell them you are in crisis, they will come to you. Serious, yes, save a life, I hope, I never thought that a trauma would send me to the suicide answer. I was doing great. Been off one of my meds for anxiety for a year.. The Art Project was growing, we had great artists in recovery of their mental illness, we all were hanging in there. Art makes a difference. And you ask why/what happened that I fell. 

Someone, as we all do, have free will...and a person who decided that we no longer could be there, evicted us with a 5 day notice. No warning, no trying to work something out, no talking except to tell me to get out.  I did attempt to call my support team. I did not get thru, and then it just seemed like why should I live, I ceertainly didn't have any value, No recognizable value to the community. All the work I had done for the past year, I saw gone. I was tired, discouraged, my mind just shut down. And so I made the free will choice of trying to die. 

But now I live, and I am working hard at staying alive. If this touches any of you and you need to talk, I'm as close as this blog. Please don't give up like I did, We have value, we have worth. 

bjw