Its been several days since I last posted. Been to Tucson, AZ and back. It was a very challenging trip. Anticipation,Anxiousness, fearing the unknown, more than looking forward to getting my belongings. Wondering what I would find that was stored. And then I would tell myself, don't cry over what you can't change. What is done is done. sign.....As the boys loaded and I kinda went thru things, cause I knew we couldn't take it all. I would have to choose. It made me sad, plus being right next door to the old Art Project building. I could not stop the tears, the memories flooding back in, the moment when I was told to get out, and then the moment I took the pills.
So, I got out the "tool box" and starting with "baby steps". A deep breath and then jumped right in. It was a battle for me. One that I needed to get control of. These were tiny baby steps. But it began to work and of course trying to make decisions quickly. So my mind was occupied. As I watched the trailer getting fuller and fuller, watching what was left of my life after 60 years. I got sad again. Not much of a statement of my life.
When we got home, I loaded stuff in my truck, To tired to be depressed I guess. I have been working hard with the therapist to replace these kinds of thoughts with positive mindfulness. As I said before, its hard work. Very hard work.
A storm was brewing, so I had to get the load into the house. Didn't seem like to much, but I was dragging. Now I have spent the last few days, cleaning up stuff, sorting out stuff that belongs to the business. It takes time, I am just not used to being so slow.
Red Dog is upset with me, don't know if its cause I left them alone, or the wind, or combination of it all.
So now I will bring a load in every so often, hopefully can rent a small storage unit for business stuff. I went on to another unpleasant situation to be dwelt with. I have been struggling with this since coming to Cortez, working with my therapist. Finally on Tuesday, I did it, I made the phone call. I will not say to much about this other than, I had written a letter to my Pastor and the main response that I brought back with me, was, that I needed to circle all the "I's', the "me's", because my statements were selfish and unthoughtful of others. That as I went thru, this letter, I should pray for someone else at each of my selfish words. At first I was angry, cause it was about me, how could I fix this, and the injustices that I felt had been directed at me. Then, I was angry, cause, I could not stand up for myself and say that. sigh.......I am no longer angry at his response. I will say, that there will always be people who don't fully get it. That is one of my tools, a reminder and not a condemnation. And thankfully I had a therapy session today, and we spoke of the above. She told me she had seen a utube video, with a Rabi and a lobster. He said the lobster starts out very small and as he outgrows his shell, he is vulnerable, until the larger shell grows. And it keeps doing this. I understand the analogy, just because I couldn't advocate for myself in this instance, it was ok, we will be vulnerable, but then we come back with a tougher exterior. :)
Anyone who reads my FB posts, knows I am a kind, loving, generous person, even tho the last few months have been so hard on me, I still had time for my art peeps, my brethren, my friends. And I am very much encouraged by that, the positive, and its not important for me that he knows I have been doing this. :) I am reminded, do not boost about our good deeds, all that matters is we do them.
I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels good. And to know I still am on the path of recovery.
I know this is kinda long tonight. But I wanted to share my challenges and how I came thru them. I am proud of this, as well as I should be. I am moving forward, doing my best to not look back. As a human being, its natural for us to do that. So working on our mindfulness, and reminding myself that I am human. And I am ok with it.
May you all have a blessed night
bjw
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