Moving forward in a positive way

An interesting last few days. I have been trying to find my art work that I had posted on FB, in order to rebuild my portifilo. Finding old family pics, bringing back happy and sad memories, beginning to dwell on the should ofs, could ofs. Then going thru The Art Project files, bordering on depression. So I let my mind fill with the thoughts, and then got out my tools and reminded myself, that, this is NOW and that is THEN. I cannot go back and fix it, to remind myself, that adults, have free will and do whatever they please. But I can have mercy and remind myself, that I am not perfect, life doesn't really come with a handbook. I am a believer in Christ and God, and yet being a human, I make mistakes, a lot of mistakes. How I take ownership of those mistakes, is on me. But not to the point of hurting myself. I must say that I am getting better, accepting of things happening better. Accepting my circumstances. I can only do so much. 

Yesterday, was a challenging day, I was having trouble with my sugar, and of course I didn't have anything with me, nor the money to buy something. I was at The Painted Turtle, had a wonderful Kids After school Class. And they love working in clay.Although they were high energy, I managed to complete the class and made it home alright. Had a meal. And better. This morning as well. 

Getting out of the house, is very good for me. Its just getting me there. The truck is sitting on empty, but Wednesday will bring my check and hopefully enough to fill up the truck. I won't ask my son again for money this month.  He is a fine young man. I am still creating clay pieces. That's a positive. I am continuing to promote the Artisan Fair for June. Positive.  Even got my dishes done, that's really a positive. LOL  Its kind of a dreary day. Rain off and on for rest of week. So, paperwork is out of way, I feel accomplished, I don't know why that is so important to me. The floor needs to be vacuumed, clothes put away, you know household stuff. But I tell myself, who's going to see it, I am the only one here, and the dogs don't care. As long as their chairs are available. I want to leave you with this thought. We can find a positive, every day, remembering its baby steps. Just one.....the pic I have posted is a great reminder for us. 

Have an awesome day, don't give up, take a baby step.

bjw

Coping

I tend to get quiet when things begin to overwhelm and I try my best to cope in an appropriate manner. Which means for me, not to think about death and dying. Little things have always led to big things, and then comes the one that will break the camels back.....so to speak........

This week, the laptop has finally died. My fault for not backing it up. In my mind its a total disaster. Why, cause its about money and the ability to replace certain things. My lifestyle is at the nill. My therapist reminds me of the fact that I can do it. Its not very comforting to know that. Especially when tools that I need, really need to help me stay focused. My computer is my lifeline to the outside world, I can control who I let in and who I don't want. I stay safe in my home, without the world busting in. 

Doing graphic design with Photoshop, lets my creative juices flow, plus I like to pay it forward with small businesses just starting out.  We need a nice business card, marketing tools, etc. without paying a fortune. I was never that lucky. 

Anyway, so I sit here today, not thinking about what is gone. I can't. I think of 15 years of files gone. Contacts, everything.  Yes I should have backed it up.My whole life should have been backed up. Oh yes, I found out I became a great grandma this week, on FB. whew.  It hurt my feelings. Sigh

So now comes the coping. Realizing that the files are all lost, I don't have a way to create any new ones, a lot of breathing......a lot of breathing.......

I did take time yesterday to do some clay work. I am so tired, physically, tried to get some stuff off of storage trailer. I did in fact find my clay stamps, most of them, just to old to be moving so much. Then a storm came in and really hurt my achey joints. When you don't feel well and you are dealing with your own crisis, it just hurts. 

So what now?  Baby Steps. Would really be nice to have someone looking after me. I mean really looking after me. LOL  would be nice to be very well off. chuckle... So back to baby steps. One of my personal survival skills, of the past, is to just push it in the closet, which is what I have to do today. I don't want to deal or not deal with the graphics issue, the computer issue. I can't do anything about it. sigh

Next step, work some more clay, have another cup of coffee, watch some tv and take my mind somewhere else. 

Sometimes our only coping skills is to just breath. And keep breathing. AND KEEP BREATHING. I am going to do my best to have a safe day, a good day. Peace to all of you.

bjw

Time Flies

Time flies when your having a crisis, No matter how small it is. It messes up your life and any schedule you might have. Its all I can do to get up, and I solved that issue, just sleeping in my chair. Not good, but better than staying in bed all day. I know that one of my biggest triggers is not having money to do the basic things, like veggies, gas to just get out of the house and explore. sigh.......But I try to remind myself that I am truly blessed, and I am. But as someone with a mental illness, we need extra care, as with any one with a physical illness. they need their meds. So, using my baby step tool, I have made it to today. Feeling better and looking forward to my therapy session this morning. Life can be good, if we take care of ourselves. It is not selfish to do so.
What a wonderful Wednesday. I got to go to The Painted Turtle Studio, thanks to Daphne Erhardt and Mike Erhardt. They gave me gas money. I love going to the Studio, it helps keeping me on the straight and narrow. I don't do any unnecessary driving and when I go out I plan to get as much done as I can. Truck needs new plugs, I can smell that it is kinda flooding. sigh......Anyway, picked up my new little people, wow what a difference in them since the first ones. Trying to figure out how I am going to finish them. So many choices. Love that stoneware.
I was able to teach one of the afterschool kids. We worked in clay. She is making her mom something for Mothers Day. She really enjoyed it and is ready to come back next week and do more. Pretty much a quiet day up until she came. I have been wanting to make some more buttons. And to design something for Kay Woodward to use on her purses. Think maybe I created something to start off with. Going to do a clay bead making class, so starting making tiny stamps to use. It was an awesome day. Praising God for his blessings, and allowing me to have the talent of art.
So dear ones I leave this thought with you today, I need baby steps. Its how I am making it thru this latest challenge. Its hard for me, I have always been the mover, the one who gets it done, Deeeep Breath. Life has changed dramatically for me, and I am learning slowing that I can not go back, even to the good.
So be blessed today, remember to take care of yourself.
bjw
Just found this, thought it was appropriate to go with this post...http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/60-second-stress-relaxation/

Whats wrong with me!!!!!!

Yesterday, another full blown panic attack. Found someone to look at computer and he was able to fix it on the cheap. As we talked I just started crying Memories of The Art Project came flooding back and the trauma associated with it all. The young man shared with me his story, 2 tours in Iraq, his PTSD and how many of his friends did not survive coming home due to suicides.                                                                                                            From there, I went to pick up some things at the store. I am counting my pennies. Making sure that I just grab necessary items. 3 onions, a can of corn, bread from the day old side, and my only treat, my coffee creamer. Being so careful, and I feel the anxiety building.  Oh its time to check and see if my scripts are ready for pickup, I'll do that while I am here, then I won;t have to go out again except to pick up the computer later in the day. As I wait my turn, I am trying out this new technique my therapist want me to try, its tapping with your fingers key acupuncture points on your body.  I must have been to far gone. I tapped a sore place on my collar. :)  I was calm as I spoke with the lady, I have been having problems getting my test strips for my diabetes. I had gotton a letter stating that the insurance co was denying the claim and again, they wanted money from me.  As we spoke, she wanted to help me, did I have all the cards and numbers, as I explained that I had made the necessary calls to insurance last time, I quietly and politely told her that it was ok, I didn't needed to test, but I did need the other meds. I think at first she thought I was being lazy, maybe being difficult. And the tears came. She wanted to give me phone numbers of people she thought might help me. Thru the tears, I attempted to explain that I would do it, I just couldn't do it today. She was so nice and understanding, as I cried, she told me not to worry, that give her an hour and she would see what she could do and call me. True to her word, about an hour later she did call and she did get it fixed and got it so I had no co pay.  Miss Rosie of City Market is a true heroine.    Even this morning, I can't sleep, and then I found the following post on Face Book that I felt I just needed to share. so here it is.  Before I finish up, i am still in distress, BUT I am not suicidal. Its important for me to tell you this, This blog helps me so much, stay on path, that even when I have days like yesterday, I can still use those tools in my tool box. Be at peace today, there are mental health heroes out there. I hope that we can also be heroes to others.  Have a blessed day. Remember you have value, you are worth saving, you are worth living.             bjw

Pete Laws

17 hrs · 

I've been inspired by a recent story by Amber Smith and I want to join in to help raise awareness and understanding of an illness that affects millions of us. Including me.

The photo on the left is me on a "normal" day and on the right is the side of me nobody sees. My struggle with anxiety.

Not enough people realise how real anxiety is and that you cannot just "get over it" as most people seem to think. It causes breathlessness, dizziness, stomach pains, headaches, trembling and shakes, palpitations and extreme fatigue. The smallest of worries can be blown way out of proportion and start an attack, stuff you would probably laugh at if you knew and that's not even including the point where you become a social recluse because you can't face even your best friends.

The problem is is that it's no laughing matter for sufferers and not enough people are aware of the destruction it can cause somebody's life if they don't get the right support. So please, if you know anyone who is struggling - reach out and offer support. Or at the very least be a little more understanding next time they "freak out about nothing" because what you think is nothing, is their whole world right now.

Feel free to share my story or even better, do one yourself. I would love for all my anxious friends to come together and help rid the world of the stigma surrounding this dreadful mental illness.

Here's a link to my inspiration for this;https://www.facebook.com/alouglobal/posts/10209306937688035

Am I lost.....

I am feeling very lost tonight. Memories come flooding in. Anniversary's upcoming. A sadness in my soul. I am not feeling suicidal. Just sad remembering what my life was a year ago and what it is now. A very sad statement of my life. And so it goes.
Do you suppose that's what a businessman feels when he fails? I just want to crawl in bed and sleep. and sleep. That way I don't have to feel anything. Nothing at all. I hate feeling this way. I have nothing to show for my life. what I have has no value. It will all wind up in the trash when I am gone. I guess that's how it is when we get old and valueless. Alone, existing, not living. this is not living. Watching every penny, not even having pennies left to save. I have no one to share my life with, to laugh and cry with. To live life with.
I am lost tonight. Safe, but lost.
bjw

Viola....its Friday

Where did the week go. Busy with a life, at least for this week, Panic attack on Monday, I survived it.
I actually sold one of my little native girls. Thats exciting for me. This is going to be a short post, I did the following article. It is not meant to depress or upset, but hopefully to help understand more about suicide. A very hard subject to talk about. Not your normal table talk. But since I am a suicide survivor. and that is why I write this blog. To share thoughts and challenges and moving forward.
Please have a safe and joyful weekend, one filled with peace and LIFE.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/understanding-suicide-5-myths-about-suicide/
bjw

Do I really HATE Mondays?

LOL  where does the time go?  Was a busy weekend for me, Maybe too much.  I spent the day at Rio Grande Southern B&B helping Susi Siber with her yard sale. I found a bunch of items to use for display at our upcoming Artisan Fair coming up in June. I actually got a bit of a sunburn. Was a great day to practice my interacting with strangers. :)  I think I did well.
But, there is a But...yesterday I had appt with a food dr. and he wanted some xrays done of my ankle. But his machine was down, so I wait and wait and they decide to send me to hospital which is just across the street, but I am told they will fax the order over and get me in and out quickly. while I am waiting for the paperwork to go over, I find myself in tears, and fighting the tears, I start to become embarrassed, and alot of you know the drill. By the time I made it to the hospital, I was coping. Went in to give paperwork. "well did you check in" Now I feel the anger and panic start to build, lady at front desk, says go have a seat in the waiting room, and when they are ready for you, they will come get you. OK.........45 min later, I am called in to admitting. Trying to not take my anger out on the lady, I am short and curse, I want to get out of there, and right now. Here come the tears again. I go back out and sit some more. When tech came to get me, the tears had at least stopped. Lets just get this over with, ok.  I make it outside, and then it just let loose. I sit in the truck for a bit and just cried, and the panic is overwhelming. I feel lost. Why? I don't know, even writing this today, I feel the tears, not the panic, but tears. They found a huge bone splinter in my heel, so, that didn't bother me, I am not in pain at the moment. And the dr. and I decided on a non surgical treatment as long as I am not in pain. I am good with that. Actually that was the least of my concerns. :)
I came home and sat for a bit, working on my mindfulness. At least at home, I can force myself to work on the calmness, and not take medication. If I had of had it with me yesterday, I would have taken. But I don't drive when I take it. Anyway......
Now I am calm, and I have an Art show to put together. Deeeeep Breath, I can do this, I am safe at home. No one will see me if I cry. Its funny, not ha ha funny, but I still feel that crying is a sign of weakness and I need to be strong. I can't give myself permission to cry in public.
I was up till midnight working on the art show. And totally took my mind off the morning. I feel I made progress, good progress and today will hopefully finish up the packets to email to the artists. Cause I want to play and create some new things for the show.
Can you see my smile?  Cause I am, the thought of creating and working on my displays, is awesome. I wish that feeling was around a lot more, and that I could share it.
I move forward, one baby step at a time. Maybe I should make me some shirts that say that. :)
I hope and pray, that when you find yourself as I did on Monday morning , you can take that second to draw upon your skills in your tool box. Remember, its about that moment. Not the next, but the one your in, and after thats conquered, go to the next moment, those are baby steps, and pretty soon,, your calm enough to use the next tool and the next.
Have an awesome day, one filled with joy and peace. Give yourself permission to feel those things. It really is ok to do that.
bjw

Where does the time go?

Its Friday, and no this is NOT an April Fool joke. In fact I can't wait for today to be over just for that fact. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is one big "April Fool" joke. Its that kind of day today. I got my check and then found out I was 2.00 short and bounced a payment. Fees are almost 80.00. I know my mistake. my consequences. It seems that no matter how hard I try, this happens. I am taking care of business, Just not good enough. Sigh, deep breath.
Anyway, thought I would just post a thought or two. I have been working really hard on my stoneware figures.

The finishing up part. I am quite proud of them. But still need to find a better alternative to fire them. I simply cannot afford an extra 40.00. I pray that God will bless my work so that it sells. And I fall back on the I am not worthy, I have no value. Why does it always have to be about money? Cause that's what makes the world turn. :(
So as I write this, I am recalling my "baby steps, baby steps"  I have the money to pay my rent and my utilities. So I won't be homeless nor without electric and heat. :)
I so hate taking care of myself. and yet its a very big part of my recovery, You know being an adult. I have to deal with the loneliness with all of this, Just cause I am old, doesn't mean I would not not a companion of a like minded person. And so my day really begins, at noon, and I must go out to pay the bills.
Peeps, don't give up, contact someone who has a good ear, who will stand by you no matter what. I found this article today and want to share it with you. It makes good sense.
bjw
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/5-steps-to-getting-the-support-you-need-and-deserve-0112154