LOL where does the time go? Was a busy weekend for me, Maybe too much. I spent the day at Rio Grande Southern B&B helping Susi Siber with her yard sale. I found a bunch of items to use for display at our upcoming Artisan Fair coming up in June. I actually got a bit of a sunburn. Was a great day to practice my interacting with strangers. :) I think I did well.
But, there is a But...yesterday I had appt with a food dr. and he wanted some xrays done of my ankle. But his machine was down, so I wait and wait and they decide to send me to hospital which is just across the street, but I am told they will fax the order over and get me in and out quickly. while I am waiting for the paperwork to go over, I find myself in tears, and fighting the tears, I start to become embarrassed, and alot of you know the drill. By the time I made it to the hospital, I was coping. Went in to give paperwork. "well did you check in" Now I feel the anger and panic start to build, lady at front desk, says go have a seat in the waiting room, and when they are ready for you, they will come get you. OK.........45 min later, I am called in to admitting. Trying to not take my anger out on the lady, I am short and curse, I want to get out of there, and right now. Here come the tears again. I go back out and sit some more. When tech came to get me, the tears had at least stopped. Lets just get this over with, ok. I make it outside, and then it just let loose. I sit in the truck for a bit and just cried, and the panic is overwhelming. I feel lost. Why? I don't know, even writing this today, I feel the tears, not the panic, but tears. They found a huge bone splinter in my heel, so, that didn't bother me, I am not in pain at the moment. And the dr. and I decided on a non surgical treatment as long as I am not in pain. I am good with that. Actually that was the least of my concerns. :)
I came home and sat for a bit, working on my mindfulness. At least at home, I can force myself to work on the calmness, and not take medication. If I had of had it with me yesterday, I would have taken. But I don't drive when I take it. Anyway......
Now I am calm, and I have an Art show to put together. Deeeeep Breath, I can do this, I am safe at home. No one will see me if I cry. Its funny, not ha ha funny, but I still feel that crying is a sign of weakness and I need to be strong. I can't give myself permission to cry in public.
I was up till midnight working on the art show. And totally took my mind off the morning. I feel I made progress, good progress and today will hopefully finish up the packets to email to the artists. Cause I want to play and create some new things for the show.
Can you see my smile? Cause I am, the thought of creating and working on my displays, is awesome. I wish that feeling was around a lot more, and that I could share it.
I move forward, one baby step at a time. Maybe I should make me some shirts that say that. :)
I hope and pray, that when you find yourself as I did on Monday morning , you can take that second to draw upon your skills in your tool box. Remember, its about that moment. Not the next, but the one your in, and after thats conquered, go to the next moment, those are baby steps, and pretty soon,, your calm enough to use the next tool and the next.
Have an awesome day, one filled with joy and peace. Give yourself permission to feel those things. It really is ok to do that.
bjw
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