I am not…the “Tomato Police”
12-3-2016
I was able to go to the grocery store on Thursday. And I am trying to find some tiny tomatoes, making sure that they weren’t dried up. I spotted a couple that were spoiled. What was my first thought? I needed to tell someone, that someone was not doing their job. Seriously? Yes. Who in the hell am I?
I find myself thinking, asking myself, why do I do things like that? Is it the people pleasing attitude? Is it that I need to control everything? And thus the question. Am I a “tomato policeman“? Do I want or need to be a “tomato policeman“? This is a question that can be asked of me anytime that I stick my nose into something that isn’t my business. Do I do this because I am angry at life and still need to “prove” myself as good if not better?
Yes, I am always asking these questions now. Because I want my behavior to change to a better way. A better way in my recovery.
There are things to be conscience of, the child who might be abused. Those require a different attitude.
I need to redefine my line of minding my business as opposed to being that, “tomato police”. One step at a time. Its never to late to make appropriate changes.
So now as my reminder, I will use the phrase, I am not a tomato policewoman. LOL
bjw

Sunday, December 4, 2016
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Not a Pissing Contest
I know that the world is filled with many people way worse off than me. But it is my time for self care. It never has been. At 63 years old, where do I fit in. Should I have expectations of fitting in?
All the cliches of, read your bible, have faith, goodness is just around the corner, be thankful for what you have and it goes on and on.
Well growing up in a church that, taught you, do the right thing, live as Christ would. Thinking of self was selfish. Serve others. You must be doing something wrong if your not being blessed, or it was your lesson to teaching someone else. And we never ever questioned. Never. Never.
Now, I don't know if I am without faith. I know God is real. And faith is trust and trust is faith.
I was reading the bible, going to church, doing my best to live the way Christ would want me to, when my child died. And he died during the FOT. I was told it all happens for a reason, and we may never know that reason. Ok....move forward. Attending church, praying, bible study, teaching my children Gods way. That's what I knew, and I believe it. Praying for my family, the ministry, others. Being thankful. But maybe I wasn't praying enough, I wasn't being thankful enough. I find myself thinking that the consequence of a bad decision follows us forever. That it never goes away. As with the world. An acceptance that, thats what it is. And thats all it is. I may be able to find peace that way.
I was doing all the above when my child was molested by a couple in my church. When church members blamed this child for it. 'When my pastor told me it wasn't his fault, when looking for some kind of understanding. Wanting to deal with it Gods way. Protection of my family.
Oh, the house fire, destroying not only my home but a art business. Always scraping by. Hard work, staying home so I was with my children, trying to supplement our income with a home based business.
Husband of over 20 plus years, decides to pick up and move, and he wants to just walk off and leave everything and start over from scratch. Because he was in the church, it was my duty to follow him. I did, right into hell. He moved us 1500 miles away, and then would not work. To far to attend church he said, so he quit. Now, I am stuck in a area that is so back woods, and no way to go to church, I am lost and angry. I get anxiety now just thinking about it. I gave up my home, a successful business, to do what I was told to do, and I suffered the consequences.
Guess I wonder where my support system was. It is non existent with my church now.
To not feel....joy and happiness is short lived, but loss and sadness lasts a lifetime. It always cancels out the good. Thats my life. You cannot undo a lifetime of that. The only way is to stop feeling. No more loneliness, no more sadness, no more disappointments, or let downs.I can tell you right now, its not worth the risk. If you live in bad, then your already there. I don't care. I really don't. I can stay in my tiny house, all alone, which must be my fate.
I miss my art friends. And I know that I will never get that back. I will never get my art business back. This is the second time, it has been taken from me. I finally realize that I am banging my head against a brick wall, and the head is about to explode.I would be so better off. Everyone would be better off. To no longer feel the guilt of doing my children wrong, and my grandchildren. No more the physco bitch from hell. No longer to have a child do such evil as to take away my home due to her actions alone. Only a person so bad would warrant that kind of action. And I want and need to understand my purpose on this earth. Its really hard to imagine a future world for me, when this one is so crappy.
All the cliches of, read your bible, have faith, goodness is just around the corner, be thankful for what you have and it goes on and on.
Well growing up in a church that, taught you, do the right thing, live as Christ would. Thinking of self was selfish. Serve others. You must be doing something wrong if your not being blessed, or it was your lesson to teaching someone else. And we never ever questioned. Never. Never.
Now, I don't know if I am without faith. I know God is real. And faith is trust and trust is faith.
I was reading the bible, going to church, doing my best to live the way Christ would want me to, when my child died. And he died during the FOT. I was told it all happens for a reason, and we may never know that reason. Ok....move forward. Attending church, praying, bible study, teaching my children Gods way. That's what I knew, and I believe it. Praying for my family, the ministry, others. Being thankful. But maybe I wasn't praying enough, I wasn't being thankful enough. I find myself thinking that the consequence of a bad decision follows us forever. That it never goes away. As with the world. An acceptance that, thats what it is. And thats all it is. I may be able to find peace that way.
I was doing all the above when my child was molested by a couple in my church. When church members blamed this child for it. 'When my pastor told me it wasn't his fault, when looking for some kind of understanding. Wanting to deal with it Gods way. Protection of my family.
Oh, the house fire, destroying not only my home but a art business. Always scraping by. Hard work, staying home so I was with my children, trying to supplement our income with a home based business.
Husband of over 20 plus years, decides to pick up and move, and he wants to just walk off and leave everything and start over from scratch. Because he was in the church, it was my duty to follow him. I did, right into hell. He moved us 1500 miles away, and then would not work. To far to attend church he said, so he quit. Now, I am stuck in a area that is so back woods, and no way to go to church, I am lost and angry. I get anxiety now just thinking about it. I gave up my home, a successful business, to do what I was told to do, and I suffered the consequences.
Guess I wonder where my support system was. It is non existent with my church now.
To not feel....joy and happiness is short lived, but loss and sadness lasts a lifetime. It always cancels out the good. Thats my life. You cannot undo a lifetime of that. The only way is to stop feeling. No more loneliness, no more sadness, no more disappointments, or let downs.I can tell you right now, its not worth the risk. If you live in bad, then your already there. I don't care. I really don't. I can stay in my tiny house, all alone, which must be my fate.
I miss my art friends. And I know that I will never get that back. I will never get my art business back. This is the second time, it has been taken from me. I finally realize that I am banging my head against a brick wall, and the head is about to explode.I would be so better off. Everyone would be better off. To no longer feel the guilt of doing my children wrong, and my grandchildren. No more the physco bitch from hell. No longer to have a child do such evil as to take away my home due to her actions alone. Only a person so bad would warrant that kind of action. And I want and need to understand my purpose on this earth. Its really hard to imagine a future world for me, when this one is so crappy.
Monday, October 31, 2016
The Death of a Soul
Mine.....Depression is very sneaky. Even after living with it for years, it always sneaks up on me. Why do I even care? At the moment, I don't care. I am not suicidal, physically that is. It's not worth the trouble. I don't care that I feel valueless. I don't feel anything, actually. I can't even cry. Tears, really? This is what I feel when my soul is dying. Sad, disappointed, stuck, feeling sorry for self, tired of taking care of myself. Why should I care? Who is going to know or care if I shower today, or a week ago. Or that I wear the same clothes for a week.
The leaves are turning and falling to the ground. Thats how I feel. If thats a feeling. There is a strange calmness in writing this. I am not afraid, I am not anxious, nor sad, I am not nothing. There it is, nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing but the thoughts in my head of a past lifetime.
The leaves are turning and falling to the ground. Thats how I feel. If thats a feeling. There is a strange calmness in writing this. I am not afraid, I am not anxious, nor sad, I am not nothing. There it is, nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing but the thoughts in my head of a past lifetime.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
What is life?
What is life?
An extension of the pain of birth. A sadness of failure, of missed opportunities, of no opportunities. A never ceasing, never ending attempt to climb out of the depths of despair. The reality of finally realizing that is your lot in life, that it has been the way of your life, acceptance is all there is now, just acceptance.
All that's left is death. The death of the soul. Not a physical death, there is nothing, nothing, without hope there is nothing.
bjw
An extension of the pain of birth. A sadness of failure, of missed opportunities, of no opportunities. A never ceasing, never ending attempt to climb out of the depths of despair. The reality of finally realizing that is your lot in life, that it has been the way of your life, acceptance is all there is now, just acceptance.
All that's left is death. The death of the soul. Not a physical death, there is nothing, nothing, without hope there is nothing.
bjw
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Neglected, but not forgotton
I have been very neglectful of this page recently. So much going on, trying to cope in a positive way with changes in my life. Fear, overwhelming ideas going thru my brain, wanting to help others in my situation and yet having no one for myself. Face Book put me in jail for over a week. Still have no idea what I did. When they are in their crisis, its what it is, and they look to you for support, and you hanging on by your toenails. I know its not health. But what if you are the one that turns them away and they relapse? Not your zoo, not your monkey. And that is the krutz of the whole matter. Self care, I am not the healer of all. I have to remind myself that I must come first, if I don't I die. I am constantly reminding myself of this. And I get tired. Very tired. I call my son for tiny help, and to have his wife tell me I need to call her and she can take care of it. I want to talk to my son. I am here in CO. because of him. I do my best to take care of self. I don't ask them for help for that reason. But I am only able to physically do so much. Yes, I am tired, I understand now why the elderly will give up. I don't know so much I really care if I am alone, just would like some help to do physical things.
My kids summer art program started yesterday. I have one. I am happy that I am not overloaded. Did the Artisan show, in Delores. Did not sell a thing, and yet we had a full group of vendors and they seemed happy, wanted to know when the next one was. I just silently screamed. So, very tired. But will look into organizing a Fall Show.
Now I can get back to some new clay work. I hope all of you stay in a positive frame of mind. It helps to write about it. Keeping a journal is a huge help for me. When its on paper, its like a release for me. One day at a time. One baby step at a time.
Peace Peeps
bjw
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/big-t-and-little-t-trauma-and-how-your-body-reacts-to-it-1019154
My kids summer art program started yesterday. I have one. I am happy that I am not overloaded. Did the Artisan show, in Delores. Did not sell a thing, and yet we had a full group of vendors and they seemed happy, wanted to know when the next one was. I just silently screamed. So, very tired. But will look into organizing a Fall Show.
Now I can get back to some new clay work. I hope all of you stay in a positive frame of mind. It helps to write about it. Keeping a journal is a huge help for me. When its on paper, its like a release for me. One day at a time. One baby step at a time.
Peace Peeps
bjw
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/big-t-and-little-t-trauma-and-how-your-body-reacts-to-it-1019154
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
What now? Life....
Can't believe its been a month, shy of a few days of being a month that I last posted. It can be a good or bad thing, maybe something in the middle. Journaling has always been helpful to me. This blog has been helpful for me. Maybe I needed a break, or got lazy, or depressed, or just too busy. Maybe all of these things.
Weather has been nice. Cooler for me than the Arizona sun. Spring reminders of last year at this time, I can't just throw them in the closet and deal with later. That's what really leads to my breakdowns. Part of my therapy is to deal with it, I mean really deal with it. Maybe that's why I have been so quiet.
I have had pity parties, angry at life, angry at myself, and working on that forgiveness thing for self. Frustration and guilt parties. BUT not suicidal. I have also tried to keep it positive. Really, and that sounds the craziest of all.
There have been a lot of positive things in the last month.
I was asked to speak to some philanthropists that the art community of Mancus had applied for them to look the community over for grant money for the arts. I did well, introduced the work I had done with The Art Project, and the vision that I have for a kids at risk/in crisis program, working with the native american population. One of the men came back and grabbed my hand and thanked me. Why is it still so hard for me to be accepted? Mostly I feel like that child being bullied, and just wanting to hide, having nothing to contribute, because my peers have deemed me unworthy. I know deep down I have worth, and maybe I am asking for validation after all these years from those people.I hadn't really thought about that. hmmmm I KNOW that I don't need it, right? Some things follow for a life time...... I guess that's why its so important to get to our kids, so they can have a decent adult life.But who's going to save me?
I am told that the visit from those folks went very well. And it will be awhile before the arts district will hear. They were given the designation of a recognized art community, helps with funding I am told.
Believing in yourself, believing in me, is hard, so many mistakes, big ones, so many disappointments, you see even in speaking of this, where is the positive? Cause that's where I am at today.
I watch others around me struggle, I met the mother of one of my young art students, and she told me part of her story, she is Navajo, and I think I have struggles. This country has thrown away its Native Americans, and yet we bring in more outsiders to take care of when we can't take care of our own. Even the senior citizens. It is depressing to watch foreigners eat better than you do. Sorry, I have kept my politics out, I need to continue too.
Not having the healthy food in my life, does effect the brain function, and yet I don't buy crap food. There just isn't enough money to buy fresh fruits or veggies, there isn't enough to buy canned things. The commodities that are given to seniors and low income are not enough. To many starches, not enough variety of protein. I am tired. I know how to live on a budget, but ya gotta have something to budget. :) And so I go thru the list of positive. :) It just would be nice to have a tiny bit of disposable income.
I was asked if I would like to teach the summer program at The Painted Turtle. Plus put the program together. I have and will. 10 weeks, 5 days a week. 3.5 hours a day. Maybe I am worried about failing, that I can't do it. The weekly after school art program works well. But I am dragging when I get home and its just an hour.
At 62 I just had hoped I would not have to work so hard to keep the basics. Yes I have internet, I pay the couple in front of me 20. and most of the time it works. My 20 year old truck needs work, buying the basic for it, its impossible. I can only do the maintenance that I can. Soooo kinda see the month I have had.
My spiritual is hanging in there. My church messages to take care of the older ones, to visit, to call, to let them know they are an important part of the congregation, and yet since my phone call to my pastor, I have not had any calls since. Yes, he is just a man. Encouragement, acknowledgement of one another is important. I am doing the best I can in these circumstances. I am, aren't I? Wow...now I know why I journal.
I have been creating clay jewelry, and I am getting ready for the artisan show. Guess its a bit lonely here. And yet I like being alone. Most of the time. Maybe that's a control thing. Don't invade my space, kind of thing. sigh.....
So, now what?
Life goes on, that's a given. I guess more of the question is how? Baby steps, baby steps. I do tend to get over whelmed. I am used to the multitasking, ever busy person. She isn't there any more. I think that is a shame and a lost. Today, I have things to do, if I would just get up and do. Maybe that is depression, or just plain feeling sorry for myself. Or the combination, I need to have answers, and yet maybe that is the answer, that there is no answer.
Peace out Peeps. Life really must go on, we must remember we are worth it.
bjw
Weather has been nice. Cooler for me than the Arizona sun. Spring reminders of last year at this time, I can't just throw them in the closet and deal with later. That's what really leads to my breakdowns. Part of my therapy is to deal with it, I mean really deal with it. Maybe that's why I have been so quiet.
I have had pity parties, angry at life, angry at myself, and working on that forgiveness thing for self. Frustration and guilt parties. BUT not suicidal. I have also tried to keep it positive. Really, and that sounds the craziest of all.
There have been a lot of positive things in the last month.
I was asked to speak to some philanthropists that the art community of Mancus had applied for them to look the community over for grant money for the arts. I did well, introduced the work I had done with The Art Project, and the vision that I have for a kids at risk/in crisis program, working with the native american population. One of the men came back and grabbed my hand and thanked me. Why is it still so hard for me to be accepted? Mostly I feel like that child being bullied, and just wanting to hide, having nothing to contribute, because my peers have deemed me unworthy. I know deep down I have worth, and maybe I am asking for validation after all these years from those people.I hadn't really thought about that. hmmmm I KNOW that I don't need it, right? Some things follow for a life time...... I guess that's why its so important to get to our kids, so they can have a decent adult life.But who's going to save me?
I am told that the visit from those folks went very well. And it will be awhile before the arts district will hear. They were given the designation of a recognized art community, helps with funding I am told.
Believing in yourself, believing in me, is hard, so many mistakes, big ones, so many disappointments, you see even in speaking of this, where is the positive? Cause that's where I am at today.
I watch others around me struggle, I met the mother of one of my young art students, and she told me part of her story, she is Navajo, and I think I have struggles. This country has thrown away its Native Americans, and yet we bring in more outsiders to take care of when we can't take care of our own. Even the senior citizens. It is depressing to watch foreigners eat better than you do. Sorry, I have kept my politics out, I need to continue too.
Not having the healthy food in my life, does effect the brain function, and yet I don't buy crap food. There just isn't enough money to buy fresh fruits or veggies, there isn't enough to buy canned things. The commodities that are given to seniors and low income are not enough. To many starches, not enough variety of protein. I am tired. I know how to live on a budget, but ya gotta have something to budget. :) And so I go thru the list of positive. :) It just would be nice to have a tiny bit of disposable income.
I was asked if I would like to teach the summer program at The Painted Turtle. Plus put the program together. I have and will. 10 weeks, 5 days a week. 3.5 hours a day. Maybe I am worried about failing, that I can't do it. The weekly after school art program works well. But I am dragging when I get home and its just an hour.
At 62 I just had hoped I would not have to work so hard to keep the basics. Yes I have internet, I pay the couple in front of me 20. and most of the time it works. My 20 year old truck needs work, buying the basic for it, its impossible. I can only do the maintenance that I can. Soooo kinda see the month I have had.
My spiritual is hanging in there. My church messages to take care of the older ones, to visit, to call, to let them know they are an important part of the congregation, and yet since my phone call to my pastor, I have not had any calls since. Yes, he is just a man. Encouragement, acknowledgement of one another is important. I am doing the best I can in these circumstances. I am, aren't I? Wow...now I know why I journal.
I have been creating clay jewelry, and I am getting ready for the artisan show. Guess its a bit lonely here. And yet I like being alone. Most of the time. Maybe that's a control thing. Don't invade my space, kind of thing. sigh.....
So, now what?
Life goes on, that's a given. I guess more of the question is how? Baby steps, baby steps. I do tend to get over whelmed. I am used to the multitasking, ever busy person. She isn't there any more. I think that is a shame and a lost. Today, I have things to do, if I would just get up and do. Maybe that is depression, or just plain feeling sorry for myself. Or the combination, I need to have answers, and yet maybe that is the answer, that there is no answer.
Peace out Peeps. Life really must go on, we must remember we are worth it.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Moving forward in a positive way
An interesting last few days. I have been trying to find my art work that I had posted on FB, in order to rebuild my portifilo. Finding old family pics, bringing back happy and sad memories, beginning to dwell on the should ofs, could ofs. Then going thru The Art Project files, bordering on depression. So I let my mind fill with the thoughts, and then got out my tools and reminded myself, that, this is NOW and that is THEN. I cannot go back and fix it, to remind myself, that adults, have free will and do whatever they please. But I can have mercy and remind myself, that I am not perfect, life doesn't really come with a handbook. I am a believer in Christ and God, and yet being a human, I make mistakes, a lot of mistakes. How I take ownership of those mistakes, is on me. But not to the point of hurting myself. I must say that I am getting better, accepting of things happening better. Accepting my circumstances. I can only do so much.
Yesterday, was a challenging day, I was having trouble with my sugar, and of course I didn't have anything with me, nor the money to buy something. I was at The Painted Turtle, had a wonderful Kids After school Class. And they love working in clay.Although they were high energy, I managed to complete the class and made it home alright. Had a meal. And better. This morning as well.
Getting out of the house, is very good for me. Its just getting me there. The truck is sitting on empty, but Wednesday will bring my check and hopefully enough to fill up the truck. I won't ask my son again for money this month. He is a fine young man. I am still creating clay pieces. That's a positive. I am continuing to promote the Artisan Fair for June. Positive. Even got my dishes done, that's really a positive. LOL Its kind of a dreary day. Rain off and on for rest of week. So, paperwork is out of way, I feel accomplished, I don't know why that is so important to me. The floor needs to be vacuumed, clothes put away, you know household stuff. But I tell myself, who's going to see it, I am the only one here, and the dogs don't care. As long as their chairs are available. I want to leave you with this thought. We can find a positive, every day, remembering its baby steps. Just one.....the pic I have posted is a great reminder for us.
Have an awesome day, don't give up, take a baby step.
bjw
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Coping
I tend to get quiet when things begin to overwhelm and I try my best to cope in an appropriate manner. Which means for me, not to think about death and dying. Little things have always led to big things, and then comes the one that will break the camels back.....so to speak........
This week, the laptop has finally died. My fault for not backing it up. In my mind its a total disaster. Why, cause its about money and the ability to replace certain things. My lifestyle is at the nill. My therapist reminds me of the fact that I can do it. Its not very comforting to know that. Especially when tools that I need, really need to help me stay focused. My computer is my lifeline to the outside world, I can control who I let in and who I don't want. I stay safe in my home, without the world busting in.
Doing graphic design with Photoshop, lets my creative juices flow, plus I like to pay it forward with small businesses just starting out. We need a nice business card, marketing tools, etc. without paying a fortune. I was never that lucky.
Anyway, so I sit here today, not thinking about what is gone. I can't. I think of 15 years of files gone. Contacts, everything. Yes I should have backed it up.My whole life should have been backed up. Oh yes, I found out I became a great grandma this week, on FB. whew. It hurt my feelings. Sigh
So now comes the coping. Realizing that the files are all lost, I don't have a way to create any new ones, a lot of breathing......a lot of breathing.......
I did take time yesterday to do some clay work. I am so tired, physically, tried to get some stuff off of storage trailer. I did in fact find my clay stamps, most of them, just to old to be moving so much. Then a storm came in and really hurt my achey joints. When you don't feel well and you are dealing with your own crisis, it just hurts.
So what now? Baby Steps. Would really be nice to have someone looking after me. I mean really looking after me. LOL would be nice to be very well off. chuckle... So back to baby steps. One of my personal survival skills, of the past, is to just push it in the closet, which is what I have to do today. I don't want to deal or not deal with the graphics issue, the computer issue. I can't do anything about it. sigh
Next step, work some more clay, have another cup of coffee, watch some tv and take my mind somewhere else.
Sometimes our only coping skills is to just breath. And keep breathing. AND KEEP BREATHING. I am going to do my best to have a safe day, a good day. Peace to all of you.
bjw
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Time Flies
Time flies when your having a crisis, No matter how small it is. It messes up your life and any schedule you might have. Its all I can do to get up, and I solved that issue, just sleeping in my chair. Not good, but better than staying in bed all day. I know that one of my biggest triggers is not having money to do the basic things, like veggies, gas to just get out of the house and explore. sigh.......But I try to remind myself that I am truly blessed, and I am. But as someone with a mental illness, we need extra care, as with any one with a physical illness. they need their meds. So, using my baby step tool, I have made it to today. Feeling better and looking forward to my therapy session this morning. Life can be good, if we take care of ourselves. It is not selfish to do so.
What a wonderful Wednesday. I got to go to The Painted Turtle Studio, thanks to Daphne Erhardt and Mike Erhardt. They gave me gas money. I love going to the Studio, it helps keeping me on the straight and narrow. I don't do any unnecessary driving and when I go out I plan to get as much done as I can. Truck needs new plugs, I can smell that it is kinda flooding. sigh......Anyway, picked up my new little people, wow what a difference in them since the first ones. Trying to figure out how I am going to finish them. So many choices. Love that stoneware.
I was able to teach one of the afterschool kids. We worked in clay. She is making her mom something for Mothers Day. She really enjoyed it and is ready to come back next week and do more. Pretty much a quiet day up until she came. I have been wanting to make some more buttons. And to design something for Kay Woodward to use on her purses. Think maybe I created something to start off with. Going to do a clay bead making class, so starting making tiny stamps to use. It was an awesome day. Praising God for his blessings, and allowing me to have the talent of art.
So dear ones I leave this thought with you today, I need baby steps. Its how I am making it thru this latest challenge. Its hard for me, I have always been the mover, the one who gets it done, Deeeep Breath. Life has changed dramatically for me, and I am learning slowing that I can not go back, even to the good.
So be blessed today, remember to take care of yourself.
bjw
Just found this, thought it was appropriate to go with this post...http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/60-second-stress-relaxation/
What a wonderful Wednesday. I got to go to The Painted Turtle Studio, thanks to Daphne Erhardt and Mike Erhardt. They gave me gas money. I love going to the Studio, it helps keeping me on the straight and narrow. I don't do any unnecessary driving and when I go out I plan to get as much done as I can. Truck needs new plugs, I can smell that it is kinda flooding. sigh......Anyway, picked up my new little people, wow what a difference in them since the first ones. Trying to figure out how I am going to finish them. So many choices. Love that stoneware.
I was able to teach one of the afterschool kids. We worked in clay. She is making her mom something for Mothers Day. She really enjoyed it and is ready to come back next week and do more. Pretty much a quiet day up until she came. I have been wanting to make some more buttons. And to design something for Kay Woodward to use on her purses. Think maybe I created something to start off with. Going to do a clay bead making class, so starting making tiny stamps to use. It was an awesome day. Praising God for his blessings, and allowing me to have the talent of art.
So dear ones I leave this thought with you today, I need baby steps. Its how I am making it thru this latest challenge. Its hard for me, I have always been the mover, the one who gets it done, Deeeep Breath. Life has changed dramatically for me, and I am learning slowing that I can not go back, even to the good.
So be blessed today, remember to take care of yourself.
bjw
Just found this, thought it was appropriate to go with this post...http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/60-second-stress-relaxation/
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Whats wrong with me!!!!!!
Yesterday, another full blown panic attack. Found someone to look at computer and he was able to fix it on the cheap. As we talked I just started crying Memories of The Art Project came flooding back and the trauma associated with it all. The young man shared with me his story, 2 tours in Iraq, his PTSD and how many of his friends did not survive coming home due to suicides. From there, I went to pick up some things at the store. I am counting my pennies. Making sure that I just grab necessary items. 3 onions, a can of corn, bread from the day old side, and my only treat, my coffee creamer. Being so careful, and I feel the anxiety building. Oh its time to check and see if my scripts are ready for pickup, I'll do that while I am here, then I won;t have to go out again except to pick up the computer later in the day. As I wait my turn, I am trying out this new technique my therapist want me to try, its tapping with your fingers key acupuncture points on your body. I must have been to far gone. I tapped a sore place on my collar. :) I was calm as I spoke with the lady, I have been having problems getting my test strips for my diabetes. I had gotton a letter stating that the insurance co was denying the claim and again, they wanted money from me. As we spoke, she wanted to help me, did I have all the cards and numbers, as I explained that I had made the necessary calls to insurance last time, I quietly and politely told her that it was ok, I didn't needed to test, but I did need the other meds. I think at first she thought I was being lazy, maybe being difficult. And the tears came. She wanted to give me phone numbers of people she thought might help me. Thru the tears, I attempted to explain that I would do it, I just couldn't do it today. She was so nice and understanding, as I cried, she told me not to worry, that give her an hour and she would see what she could do and call me. True to her word, about an hour later she did call and she did get it fixed and got it so I had no co pay. Miss Rosie of City Market is a true heroine. Even this morning, I can't sleep, and then I found the following post on Face Book that I felt I just needed to share. so here it is. Before I finish up, i am still in distress, BUT I am not suicidal. Its important for me to tell you this, This blog helps me so much, stay on path, that even when I have days like yesterday, I can still use those tools in my tool box. Be at peace today, there are mental health heroes out there. I hope that we can also be heroes to others. Have a blessed day. Remember you have value, you are worth saving, you are worth living. bjw
Pete Laws
I've been inspired by a recent story by Amber Smith and I want to join in to help raise awareness and understanding of an illness that affects millions of us. Including me.
The photo on the left is me on a "normal" day and on the right is the side of me nobody sees. My struggle with anxiety.
Not enough people realise how real anxiety is and that you cannot just "get over it" as most people seem to think. It causes breathlessness, dizziness, stomach pains, headaches, trembling and shakes, palpitations and extreme fatigue. The smallest of worries can be blown way out of proportion and start an attack, stuff you would probably laugh at if you knew and that's not even including the point where you become a social recluse because you can't face even your best friends.
The problem is is that it's no laughing matter for sufferers and not enough people are aware of the destruction it can cause somebody's life if they don't get the right support. So please, if you know anyone who is struggling - reach out and offer support. Or at the very least be a little more understanding next time they "freak out about nothing" because what you think is nothing, is their whole world right now.
Feel free to share my story or even better, do one yourself. I would love for all my anxious friends to come together and help rid the world of the stigma surrounding this dreadful mental illness.
Here's a link to my inspiration for this;https://www.facebook.com/alouglobal/posts/10209306937688035
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Am I lost.....
I am feeling very lost tonight. Memories come flooding in. Anniversary's upcoming. A sadness in my soul. I am not feeling suicidal. Just sad remembering what my life was a year ago and what it is now. A very sad statement of my life. And so it goes.
Do you suppose that's what a businessman feels when he fails? I just want to crawl in bed and sleep. and sleep. That way I don't have to feel anything. Nothing at all. I hate feeling this way. I have nothing to show for my life. what I have has no value. It will all wind up in the trash when I am gone. I guess that's how it is when we get old and valueless. Alone, existing, not living. this is not living. Watching every penny, not even having pennies left to save. I have no one to share my life with, to laugh and cry with. To live life with.
I am lost tonight. Safe, but lost.
bjw
Do you suppose that's what a businessman feels when he fails? I just want to crawl in bed and sleep. and sleep. That way I don't have to feel anything. Nothing at all. I hate feeling this way. I have nothing to show for my life. what I have has no value. It will all wind up in the trash when I am gone. I guess that's how it is when we get old and valueless. Alone, existing, not living. this is not living. Watching every penny, not even having pennies left to save. I have no one to share my life with, to laugh and cry with. To live life with.
I am lost tonight. Safe, but lost.
bjw
Friday, April 8, 2016
Viola....its Friday
Where did the week go. Busy with a life, at least for this week, Panic attack on Monday, I survived it.
I actually sold one of my little native girls. Thats exciting for me. This is going to be a short post, I did the following article. It is not meant to depress or upset, but hopefully to help understand more about suicide. A very hard subject to talk about. Not your normal table talk. But since I am a suicide survivor. and that is why I write this blog. To share thoughts and challenges and moving forward.
Please have a safe and joyful weekend, one filled with peace and LIFE.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/understanding-suicide-5-myths-about-suicide/
bjw
I actually sold one of my little native girls. Thats exciting for me. This is going to be a short post, I did the following article. It is not meant to depress or upset, but hopefully to help understand more about suicide. A very hard subject to talk about. Not your normal table talk. But since I am a suicide survivor. and that is why I write this blog. To share thoughts and challenges and moving forward.
Please have a safe and joyful weekend, one filled with peace and LIFE.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/understanding-suicide-5-myths-about-suicide/
bjw
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Do I really HATE Mondays?
LOL where does the time go? Was a busy weekend for me, Maybe too much. I spent the day at Rio Grande Southern B&B helping Susi Siber with her yard sale. I found a bunch of items to use for display at our upcoming Artisan Fair coming up in June. I actually got a bit of a sunburn. Was a great day to practice my interacting with strangers. :) I think I did well.
But, there is a But...yesterday I had appt with a food dr. and he wanted some xrays done of my ankle. But his machine was down, so I wait and wait and they decide to send me to hospital which is just across the street, but I am told they will fax the order over and get me in and out quickly. while I am waiting for the paperwork to go over, I find myself in tears, and fighting the tears, I start to become embarrassed, and alot of you know the drill. By the time I made it to the hospital, I was coping. Went in to give paperwork. "well did you check in" Now I feel the anger and panic start to build, lady at front desk, says go have a seat in the waiting room, and when they are ready for you, they will come get you. OK.........45 min later, I am called in to admitting. Trying to not take my anger out on the lady, I am short and curse, I want to get out of there, and right now. Here come the tears again. I go back out and sit some more. When tech came to get me, the tears had at least stopped. Lets just get this over with, ok. I make it outside, and then it just let loose. I sit in the truck for a bit and just cried, and the panic is overwhelming. I feel lost. Why? I don't know, even writing this today, I feel the tears, not the panic, but tears. They found a huge bone splinter in my heel, so, that didn't bother me, I am not in pain at the moment. And the dr. and I decided on a non surgical treatment as long as I am not in pain. I am good with that. Actually that was the least of my concerns. :)
I came home and sat for a bit, working on my mindfulness. At least at home, I can force myself to work on the calmness, and not take medication. If I had of had it with me yesterday, I would have taken. But I don't drive when I take it. Anyway......
Now I am calm, and I have an Art show to put together. Deeeeep Breath, I can do this, I am safe at home. No one will see me if I cry. Its funny, not ha ha funny, but I still feel that crying is a sign of weakness and I need to be strong. I can't give myself permission to cry in public.
I was up till midnight working on the art show. And totally took my mind off the morning. I feel I made progress, good progress and today will hopefully finish up the packets to email to the artists. Cause I want to play and create some new things for the show.
Can you see my smile? Cause I am, the thought of creating and working on my displays, is awesome. I wish that feeling was around a lot more, and that I could share it.
I move forward, one baby step at a time. Maybe I should make me some shirts that say that. :)
I hope and pray, that when you find yourself as I did on Monday morning , you can take that second to draw upon your skills in your tool box. Remember, its about that moment. Not the next, but the one your in, and after thats conquered, go to the next moment, those are baby steps, and pretty soon,, your calm enough to use the next tool and the next.
Have an awesome day, one filled with joy and peace. Give yourself permission to feel those things. It really is ok to do that.
bjw
But, there is a But...yesterday I had appt with a food dr. and he wanted some xrays done of my ankle. But his machine was down, so I wait and wait and they decide to send me to hospital which is just across the street, but I am told they will fax the order over and get me in and out quickly. while I am waiting for the paperwork to go over, I find myself in tears, and fighting the tears, I start to become embarrassed, and alot of you know the drill. By the time I made it to the hospital, I was coping. Went in to give paperwork. "well did you check in" Now I feel the anger and panic start to build, lady at front desk, says go have a seat in the waiting room, and when they are ready for you, they will come get you. OK.........45 min later, I am called in to admitting. Trying to not take my anger out on the lady, I am short and curse, I want to get out of there, and right now. Here come the tears again. I go back out and sit some more. When tech came to get me, the tears had at least stopped. Lets just get this over with, ok. I make it outside, and then it just let loose. I sit in the truck for a bit and just cried, and the panic is overwhelming. I feel lost. Why? I don't know, even writing this today, I feel the tears, not the panic, but tears. They found a huge bone splinter in my heel, so, that didn't bother me, I am not in pain at the moment. And the dr. and I decided on a non surgical treatment as long as I am not in pain. I am good with that. Actually that was the least of my concerns. :)
I came home and sat for a bit, working on my mindfulness. At least at home, I can force myself to work on the calmness, and not take medication. If I had of had it with me yesterday, I would have taken. But I don't drive when I take it. Anyway......
Now I am calm, and I have an Art show to put together. Deeeeep Breath, I can do this, I am safe at home. No one will see me if I cry. Its funny, not ha ha funny, but I still feel that crying is a sign of weakness and I need to be strong. I can't give myself permission to cry in public.
I was up till midnight working on the art show. And totally took my mind off the morning. I feel I made progress, good progress and today will hopefully finish up the packets to email to the artists. Cause I want to play and create some new things for the show.
Can you see my smile? Cause I am, the thought of creating and working on my displays, is awesome. I wish that feeling was around a lot more, and that I could share it.
I move forward, one baby step at a time. Maybe I should make me some shirts that say that. :)
I hope and pray, that when you find yourself as I did on Monday morning , you can take that second to draw upon your skills in your tool box. Remember, its about that moment. Not the next, but the one your in, and after thats conquered, go to the next moment, those are baby steps, and pretty soon,, your calm enough to use the next tool and the next.
Have an awesome day, one filled with joy and peace. Give yourself permission to feel those things. It really is ok to do that.
bjw
Friday, April 1, 2016
Where does the time go?
Its Friday, and no this is NOT an April Fool joke. In fact I can't wait for today to be over just for that fact. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is one big "April Fool" joke. Its that kind of day today. I got my check and then found out I was 2.00 short and bounced a payment. Fees are almost 80.00. I know my mistake. my consequences. It seems that no matter how hard I try, this happens. I am taking care of business, Just not good enough. Sigh, deep breath.
Anyway, thought I would just post a thought or two. I have been working really hard on my stoneware figures.
The finishing up part. I am quite proud of them. But still need to find a better alternative to fire them. I simply cannot afford an extra 40.00. I pray that God will bless my work so that it sells. And I fall back on the I am not worthy, I have no value. Why does it always have to be about money? Cause that's what makes the world turn. :(
So as I write this, I am recalling my "baby steps, baby steps" I have the money to pay my rent and my utilities. So I won't be homeless nor without electric and heat. :)
I so hate taking care of myself. and yet its a very big part of my recovery, You know being an adult. I have to deal with the loneliness with all of this, Just cause I am old, doesn't mean I would not not a companion of a like minded person. And so my day really begins, at noon, and I must go out to pay the bills.
Peeps, don't give up, contact someone who has a good ear, who will stand by you no matter what. I found this article today and want to share it with you. It makes good sense.
bjw
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/5-steps-to-getting-the-support-you-need-and-deserve-0112154
Anyway, thought I would just post a thought or two. I have been working really hard on my stoneware figures.
So as I write this, I am recalling my "baby steps, baby steps" I have the money to pay my rent and my utilities. So I won't be homeless nor without electric and heat. :)
I so hate taking care of myself. and yet its a very big part of my recovery, You know being an adult. I have to deal with the loneliness with all of this, Just cause I am old, doesn't mean I would not not a companion of a like minded person. And so my day really begins, at noon, and I must go out to pay the bills.
Peeps, don't give up, contact someone who has a good ear, who will stand by you no matter what. I found this article today and want to share it with you. It makes good sense.
bjw
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/5-steps-to-getting-the-support-you-need-and-deserve-0112154
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Its beginning to look a lot like.....SNOW
It really is looking like snow out there. Its cold, windy, did I mention cold and windy? :) My heater went out again yesterday. I texted the manager and was shocked by her response. It was Monday, and it was after 4:pm, But her response was, next time let her know before 4. Now, I could have gotten angry, well maybe I kinda did, but it was quickly put aside. But I got to thinking that I pay my rent on time, I even take it to the bank for her and deposit it. Hmmmm. so I replied, with not my fault it keeps messing up, and not my job to keep an eye on it. She replied that I didn't need to be rude. Now, the old me would have just curled up in a ball, and accepted it and again, my worth was nothing. I came back with, she had been rude in her suggestion and she apologized and all is well. I did not allow her to invalidate me. A huge step for me. BABY STEP. (high five, here)
Although wintry out there, I want to go to Mancus, we have no one for class, which is fine by me, it will pick up. Hoping my clay has been fired, and to leave a few pieces.
Taking each day, a bit at a time, can be manageable. If we work at it. As I look out the window, watching the leafless trees sway, there is a beauty out there, and I am beautiful, and so are each and everyone of you. Please try and remember this. I want to leave you with this article I found on Good Therapy.org I hope it touches you in a positive way. Have a most wonderful, life filled day.
bjw
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/7-highly-effective-habits-happy-people-practice-daily-1007157
Although wintry out there, I want to go to Mancus, we have no one for class, which is fine by me, it will pick up. Hoping my clay has been fired, and to leave a few pieces.
Taking each day, a bit at a time, can be manageable. If we work at it. As I look out the window, watching the leafless trees sway, there is a beauty out there, and I am beautiful, and so are each and everyone of you. Please try and remember this. I want to leave you with this article I found on Good Therapy.org I hope it touches you in a positive way. Have a most wonderful, life filled day.
bjw
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/7-highly-effective-habits-happy-people-practice-daily-1007157
Monday, March 28, 2016
Icky but Positive
I battled a headache most of the night and finally came downstairs to take pills and sleep in my chair. Which meant I didn't feel good. A bit depressed, and contemplating my worth. Its very easy to get this way, when you don't feel good, you let your other defenses down. So, after taking a note of my assets, I decided to move forward with a baby step......
This morning is brought to you by Sandra Perry, who furnished my fancy coffee. Thank you. As it was brewing, I jumped in the shower, continuing to contemplate life.
There is a smell in the bathroom, been there for several days, Yes, its a bathroom, mine is clean, but the pipes are really old. I put bleach in the pipes, thinking that should solve the problem. But I should remind you that there was a mouse in one of the walls in BR the past few weeks. I think I wrote of the battle of the mice.
So here is the "Icky but Positive" part. At least he croaked in the bathroom. I can shut the door. And I have some sprinkle stuff you use in the laundry, but works really great on carpets. And its been a few days, and smell is going down. Won't be much longer. :)
Why do I tell you these things, because one of my tools is to find a positive, no matter how small. I like making people laugh with my stories. When we are laughing, we are not crying. That was a very profound statement. LOL
There seems to be one more mouse up in my bedroom wall. I heard him last night. Now if he croaks in that wall, I might not be so understanding. Positive.....I'll cross that bridge when it happens. Maybe he'll move on. Yea right!!!!
Then I have been getting an error message for the last week or so, my GFXUI has stopped working. Really, so tell me something else in my life has stopped working. :) Went on line to see what that was, Utube video. Actually could understand it, did what it asked for, still did not fix the error message. sigh......My computer is so old....no new updates for my OS. Not complaining, but this poor computer has a story to tell. and there is not enough time left in the world to tell it. Positive.....I am very thankful I can get it to come on. It does have a mind of its own. A HP Compaq. must be a good one, cause its still working. I have been looking a getting just a desktop tower, found one at Wally World for under 175.00. would upgrade, so I could watch TV on a larger screen. That should tell you how old this laptop is. no way to hook to tv. Which btw was given to me.
By now, I am feeling better, not overwhelmed as I was when I got up this morning. My great cup of coffee with the last brownie. :) Positive? Well I could bake some more. I have the stuff.
I have slowly been taking stuff up stairs, but not putting it away. Its a mess, and yet, positive, its here, its mine, and I have a work place.
As I am writing this, I am slowly reminding myself of my worth, its hard work for me. I grew up in a church that any type of of self, was selfish/vanity. A very hard thing to overcome. Now mix in the trauma, the depression, the outside not wanting to know what its like, makes for quite a recipe for failure. Now what? Now comes the time to practice Mindfulness, a wonderful tool in my box. I start by pushing aside the past, and making a list of what I am good at, why I am good at it, Reinforcing the good in my life. Its hard work. The PTSD is always with me. I must be prepared for it, as a diabetic has a contingency plan, so must we.
My coffee is drank, my brownie eaten, my depression is in the back, I have artwork to do. I created 6 more tiny native women in stoneware.
I shall go forth and conquer TODAY, not tomorrow, maybe not even in 2 hours, but for this moment, I am moving forward, and as long as I am moving forward. I am not falling backward. May all of you know the peace of mind. You are not alone.
bjw
This morning is brought to you by Sandra Perry, who furnished my fancy coffee. Thank you. As it was brewing, I jumped in the shower, continuing to contemplate life.
There is a smell in the bathroom, been there for several days, Yes, its a bathroom, mine is clean, but the pipes are really old. I put bleach in the pipes, thinking that should solve the problem. But I should remind you that there was a mouse in one of the walls in BR the past few weeks. I think I wrote of the battle of the mice.
So here is the "Icky but Positive" part. At least he croaked in the bathroom. I can shut the door. And I have some sprinkle stuff you use in the laundry, but works really great on carpets. And its been a few days, and smell is going down. Won't be much longer. :)
Why do I tell you these things, because one of my tools is to find a positive, no matter how small. I like making people laugh with my stories. When we are laughing, we are not crying. That was a very profound statement. LOL
There seems to be one more mouse up in my bedroom wall. I heard him last night. Now if he croaks in that wall, I might not be so understanding. Positive.....I'll cross that bridge when it happens. Maybe he'll move on. Yea right!!!!
Then I have been getting an error message for the last week or so, my GFXUI has stopped working. Really, so tell me something else in my life has stopped working. :) Went on line to see what that was, Utube video. Actually could understand it, did what it asked for, still did not fix the error message. sigh......My computer is so old....no new updates for my OS. Not complaining, but this poor computer has a story to tell. and there is not enough time left in the world to tell it. Positive.....I am very thankful I can get it to come on. It does have a mind of its own. A HP Compaq. must be a good one, cause its still working. I have been looking a getting just a desktop tower, found one at Wally World for under 175.00. would upgrade, so I could watch TV on a larger screen. That should tell you how old this laptop is. no way to hook to tv. Which btw was given to me.
By now, I am feeling better, not overwhelmed as I was when I got up this morning. My great cup of coffee with the last brownie. :) Positive? Well I could bake some more. I have the stuff.
I have slowly been taking stuff up stairs, but not putting it away. Its a mess, and yet, positive, its here, its mine, and I have a work place.
As I am writing this, I am slowly reminding myself of my worth, its hard work for me. I grew up in a church that any type of of self, was selfish/vanity. A very hard thing to overcome. Now mix in the trauma, the depression, the outside not wanting to know what its like, makes for quite a recipe for failure. Now what? Now comes the time to practice Mindfulness, a wonderful tool in my box. I start by pushing aside the past, and making a list of what I am good at, why I am good at it, Reinforcing the good in my life. Its hard work. The PTSD is always with me. I must be prepared for it, as a diabetic has a contingency plan, so must we.
My coffee is drank, my brownie eaten, my depression is in the back, I have artwork to do. I created 6 more tiny native women in stoneware.
I shall go forth and conquer TODAY, not tomorrow, maybe not even in 2 hours, but for this moment, I am moving forward, and as long as I am moving forward. I am not falling backward. May all of you know the peace of mind. You are not alone.
bjw
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Random Thoughts
Yesterday I attended on line services of my area church. Like getting a breath of fresh air. I am very thankful for my neighbors who allow me to pay a small amount and share their internet. I think, having the internet is my way of controlling the outside world into mine. I still have challenges everyday of going out "into the world" that is to shop, meetings necessary to keep my benefits. And all part of my recovery.
Creative people are sensitive, caring, usually more for others than themselves. I thought I was stupid, cause I just couldn't get math. But my brain, figured out a way to help me. I can do more than just get by, but still don't understand formulas. But guess what folks, in all the jobs I have had, it wasn't needed, even in being Controller of companies, it wasn't needed. And I didn't need to be put down in school because I couldn't do the math. You see, even at 60 years, it still creeps into my life. sigh......
Maybe this is a day of randomness? The world is celebrating Easter, and in a few weeks I will be participating in our Passover season. It is a sad time for me, as I realize just how much Jesus paid for me to have life. And then to be held accountable for myself trying to end mine. And then I am reminded that he did give his life so I could live. And I must live, I must do everything I can to stay in my recovery. I must. I must not give up again. But my reality says, its always a possibility. And I must always stay on guard. And I am doing my best to do so.
This morning, as I plan out my day. I am having my cup of coffee, and a bite of brownie with Trixie looking at me hoping to get a crumb. :)
And so the morning goes, I have my dishes in soaking. At least I will get one chore out of the way. :) I really need to work on getting things settled upstairs, but I need to do some more clay projects. So that is my main agenda today.
After waking up to snow yesterday, its quite refreshing to see the sun out, and no wind. Yea.
My kitchen is really tiny, and I have been trying to think of ways to make more storage without permanacy, cause it is a rental. I have some peg boards I got from Habitat, and they fit perfect on the sides of the cabinets. Now to figure out a way to attach. Almost have it, I will take before and after pics. I also have very high cabinets, that are really unusable, BUT, if I can get them open and keep open I can use for things not used everyday. And that is a simple fix, I have the little wood sticks, Nothing permanent, but useful. And so my brain goes. Flighty?, I prefer to call it detours. :)
Have an awesome day, and remember, anything worth having is worth the fight.
bjw
Creative people are sensitive, caring, usually more for others than themselves. I thought I was stupid, cause I just couldn't get math. But my brain, figured out a way to help me. I can do more than just get by, but still don't understand formulas. But guess what folks, in all the jobs I have had, it wasn't needed, even in being Controller of companies, it wasn't needed. And I didn't need to be put down in school because I couldn't do the math. You see, even at 60 years, it still creeps into my life. sigh......
Maybe this is a day of randomness? The world is celebrating Easter, and in a few weeks I will be participating in our Passover season. It is a sad time for me, as I realize just how much Jesus paid for me to have life. And then to be held accountable for myself trying to end mine. And then I am reminded that he did give his life so I could live. And I must live, I must do everything I can to stay in my recovery. I must. I must not give up again. But my reality says, its always a possibility. And I must always stay on guard. And I am doing my best to do so.
This morning, as I plan out my day. I am having my cup of coffee, and a bite of brownie with Trixie looking at me hoping to get a crumb. :)
After waking up to snow yesterday, its quite refreshing to see the sun out, and no wind. Yea.
My kitchen is really tiny, and I have been trying to think of ways to make more storage without permanacy, cause it is a rental. I have some peg boards I got from Habitat, and they fit perfect on the sides of the cabinets. Now to figure out a way to attach. Almost have it, I will take before and after pics. I also have very high cabinets, that are really unusable, BUT, if I can get them open and keep open I can use for things not used everyday. And that is a simple fix, I have the little wood sticks, Nothing permanent, but useful. And so my brain goes. Flighty?, I prefer to call it detours. :)
Have an awesome day, and remember, anything worth having is worth the fight.
bjw
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Endings and New Beginnings
Its been several days since I last posted. Been to Tucson, AZ and back. It was a very challenging trip. Anticipation,Anxiousness, fearing the unknown, more than looking forward to getting my belongings. Wondering what I would find that was stored. And then I would tell myself, don't cry over what you can't change. What is done is done. sign.....As the boys loaded and I kinda went thru things, cause I knew we couldn't take it all. I would have to choose. It made me sad, plus being right next door to the old Art Project building. I could not stop the tears, the memories flooding back in, the moment when I was told to get out, and then the moment I took the pills.
So, I got out the "tool box" and starting with "baby steps". A deep breath and then jumped right in. It was a battle for me. One that I needed to get control of. These were tiny baby steps. But it began to work and of course trying to make decisions quickly. So my mind was occupied. As I watched the trailer getting fuller and fuller, watching what was left of my life after 60 years. I got sad again. Not much of a statement of my life.
When we got home, I loaded stuff in my truck, To tired to be depressed I guess. I have been working hard with the therapist to replace these kinds of thoughts with positive mindfulness. As I said before, its hard work. Very hard work.
A storm was brewing, so I had to get the load into the house. Didn't seem like to much, but I was dragging. Now I have spent the last few days, cleaning up stuff, sorting out stuff that belongs to the business. It takes time, I am just not used to being so slow.
Red Dog is upset with me, don't know if its cause I left them alone, or the wind, or combination of it all.
So now I will bring a load in every so often, hopefully can rent a small storage unit for business stuff. I went on to another unpleasant situation to be dwelt with. I have been struggling with this since coming to Cortez, working with my therapist. Finally on Tuesday, I did it, I made the phone call. I will not say to much about this other than, I had written a letter to my Pastor and the main response that I brought back with me, was, that I needed to circle all the "I's', the "me's", because my statements were selfish and unthoughtful of others. That as I went thru, this letter, I should pray for someone else at each of my selfish words. At first I was angry, cause it was about me, how could I fix this, and the injustices that I felt had been directed at me. Then, I was angry, cause, I could not stand up for myself and say that. sigh.......I am no longer angry at his response. I will say, that there will always be people who don't fully get it. That is one of my tools, a reminder and not a condemnation. And thankfully I had a therapy session today, and we spoke of the above. She told me she had seen a utube video, with a Rabi and a lobster. He said the lobster starts out very small and as he outgrows his shell, he is vulnerable, until the larger shell grows. And it keeps doing this. I understand the analogy, just because I couldn't advocate for myself in this instance, it was ok, we will be vulnerable, but then we come back with a tougher exterior. :)
Anyone who reads my FB posts, knows I am a kind, loving, generous person, even tho the last few months have been so hard on me, I still had time for my art peeps, my brethren, my friends. And I am very much encouraged by that, the positive, and its not important for me that he knows I have been doing this. :) I am reminded, do not boost about our good deeds, all that matters is we do them.
I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels good. And to know I still am on the path of recovery.
I know this is kinda long tonight. But I wanted to share my challenges and how I came thru them. I am proud of this, as well as I should be. I am moving forward, doing my best to not look back. As a human being, its natural for us to do that. So working on our mindfulness, and reminding myself that I am human. And I am ok with it.
May you all have a blessed night
bjw
So, I got out the "tool box" and starting with "baby steps". A deep breath and then jumped right in. It was a battle for me. One that I needed to get control of. These were tiny baby steps. But it began to work and of course trying to make decisions quickly. So my mind was occupied. As I watched the trailer getting fuller and fuller, watching what was left of my life after 60 years. I got sad again. Not much of a statement of my life.
When we got home, I loaded stuff in my truck, To tired to be depressed I guess. I have been working hard with the therapist to replace these kinds of thoughts with positive mindfulness. As I said before, its hard work. Very hard work.
A storm was brewing, so I had to get the load into the house. Didn't seem like to much, but I was dragging. Now I have spent the last few days, cleaning up stuff, sorting out stuff that belongs to the business. It takes time, I am just not used to being so slow.
Red Dog is upset with me, don't know if its cause I left them alone, or the wind, or combination of it all.
So now I will bring a load in every so often, hopefully can rent a small storage unit for business stuff. I went on to another unpleasant situation to be dwelt with. I have been struggling with this since coming to Cortez, working with my therapist. Finally on Tuesday, I did it, I made the phone call. I will not say to much about this other than, I had written a letter to my Pastor and the main response that I brought back with me, was, that I needed to circle all the "I's', the "me's", because my statements were selfish and unthoughtful of others. That as I went thru, this letter, I should pray for someone else at each of my selfish words. At first I was angry, cause it was about me, how could I fix this, and the injustices that I felt had been directed at me. Then, I was angry, cause, I could not stand up for myself and say that. sigh.......I am no longer angry at his response. I will say, that there will always be people who don't fully get it. That is one of my tools, a reminder and not a condemnation. And thankfully I had a therapy session today, and we spoke of the above. She told me she had seen a utube video, with a Rabi and a lobster. He said the lobster starts out very small and as he outgrows his shell, he is vulnerable, until the larger shell grows. And it keeps doing this. I understand the analogy, just because I couldn't advocate for myself in this instance, it was ok, we will be vulnerable, but then we come back with a tougher exterior. :)
Anyone who reads my FB posts, knows I am a kind, loving, generous person, even tho the last few months have been so hard on me, I still had time for my art peeps, my brethren, my friends. And I am very much encouraged by that, the positive, and its not important for me that he knows I have been doing this. :) I am reminded, do not boost about our good deeds, all that matters is we do them.
I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels good. And to know I still am on the path of recovery.
I know this is kinda long tonight. But I wanted to share my challenges and how I came thru them. I am proud of this, as well as I should be. I am moving forward, doing my best to not look back. As a human being, its natural for us to do that. So working on our mindfulness, and reminding myself that I am human. And I am ok with it.
May you all have a blessed night
bjw
Friday, March 18, 2016
Smile, and smile some more.
Its an odd day for me. Why? Who knows. The wind is whooping it up. So much so that Red Dog refuses to go outside. Its warm here. I have been busy creating in clay, please come to Stonekoyote Design Works on FB and see what I have been up to. Actually more of those little people that I posted a few days back. Can't wait to get them fired so I can work up in jewelry.
Sooooooo, in a few hours we will be on our way to Tucson, AZ. To get the remainder of my household items. Kinda excited. My son wants to get er done. That means a really quick turn around trip.
I will be happy to get my vacuum cleaner and my Hoosier cabinet for the kitchen. Will use as my kitchen table and it has 2 nice bar stools that go with it. I don't like my house being messy, I have a tiny electric broom. but I usually just sweep it. Same in the kitchen. But I have no storage space. I am constantly moving things from one place to another.
Last night I had a phone call from one of my Art Peeps. She reminded me of just how important communication is with each other. Don't assume that the other person knows what your talking about, or what your going thru. And you need to ask questions if you don't understand. She was upset, searching for answers, I don't have the answers, but I can listen and share, but it all comes down to her. Can I make changes? I don't know until I try. I do need to take better care of myself. I live alone. I don't have to worry about someone else in my home becoming offended, overwhelmed with my illness, things like that. So it opens up a whole new can of worms when that is in the equation of life.
And so it comes back to communication. Without it you are set up to fail. You must communicate with your doctors, if you want quality care, and in Behavioral Health, thats a very hard thing to come by.
Being your own advocate, when I am really sick, its almost impossible for me to stand up for me. i usually become angry and that's no good. You can't get anything good out of that.
This is longer than I planned today. I will be headed out to my sons in a bit. then to a HS play about The Big Fish. My granddaughter is in it.
May you all have a blessed and safe weekend. Take care of yourself for a change. Its ok to give yourself permission.
bjw
Sooooooo, in a few hours we will be on our way to Tucson, AZ. To get the remainder of my household items. Kinda excited. My son wants to get er done. That means a really quick turn around trip.
I will be happy to get my vacuum cleaner and my Hoosier cabinet for the kitchen. Will use as my kitchen table and it has 2 nice bar stools that go with it. I don't like my house being messy, I have a tiny electric broom. but I usually just sweep it. Same in the kitchen. But I have no storage space. I am constantly moving things from one place to another.
Last night I had a phone call from one of my Art Peeps. She reminded me of just how important communication is with each other. Don't assume that the other person knows what your talking about, or what your going thru. And you need to ask questions if you don't understand. She was upset, searching for answers, I don't have the answers, but I can listen and share, but it all comes down to her. Can I make changes? I don't know until I try. I do need to take better care of myself. I live alone. I don't have to worry about someone else in my home becoming offended, overwhelmed with my illness, things like that. So it opens up a whole new can of worms when that is in the equation of life.
And so it comes back to communication. Without it you are set up to fail. You must communicate with your doctors, if you want quality care, and in Behavioral Health, thats a very hard thing to come by.
Being your own advocate, when I am really sick, its almost impossible for me to stand up for me. i usually become angry and that's no good. You can't get anything good out of that.
This is longer than I planned today. I will be headed out to my sons in a bit. then to a HS play about The Big Fish. My granddaughter is in it.
May you all have a blessed and safe weekend. Take care of yourself for a change. Its ok to give yourself permission.
bjw
Thursday, March 17, 2016
After the adventure......
Last night I just could not shut off the brain, Ideas galore were running amok. And then the fear started creeping in, that ole self doubt. What was I thinking? How could I take on a project like this? As those thoughts tried to take over, I used my self affirming tools. Well if you don't give it a shot, how will you ever know if you could be successful. Of course, I am reminded of the thought, if you don't try, you have already failed. That is not who I am, that is not who my parents raised, and it certainly is not what I taught my children. So as I drifted off to sleep, my thoughts now getting some organization, I fell asleep.
It was a good sound sleep, I awoke to Red Dog trying to kick me out of bed and Trixie downstairs, moving around, I didn't have much time to think about anything else but getting their day going....outside. I think I have mentioned that Red Dog and Trixie are service animals. I could not survive as well as I do, without them. Plus, since I live in a 2 story house, the dogs have never been exposed to that. Even after I got Red Dog to come up, she fell a couple of times, was anxious, but she wanted to be near me so bad, that she overcame that. As I was sitting on my bed last evening, Red Dog came to join me and I heard Trixie doing her little dance. But I was busy and not paying to much attention until I felt another wet nose on my leg and lo and behold, there was my little girl, she had heard Red Dog rattling a bag, and guess her curiosity got the better of her. It was an empowering moment for me.
So, I have been doing some research on the Southern Rio Grande B and B, getting ready to start her blog and FB page.
As well as helping a horse rescue place here in Cortez, doing paperwork. In exchange for horse riding privileges.
Today is another good day. We take them as they come. I appreciate these days more and more. I must rein myself in, because it has always been my nature to stay busy. I must remember the Clint Eastwood line, "A man has got to know his limitations." Doesn't offend me in the least the use of the word man. A reminder, baby steps, baby steps.
Headed to Mancus in a bit, taking over some of my sculptures. I know I didn't post pics. sigh
Have a blessed day. Enjoy your good days. Reality is, it won't last, but as with everything, we should be prepared for those days as well.
It was a good sound sleep, I awoke to Red Dog trying to kick me out of bed and Trixie downstairs, moving around, I didn't have much time to think about anything else but getting their day going....outside. I think I have mentioned that Red Dog and Trixie are service animals. I could not survive as well as I do, without them. Plus, since I live in a 2 story house, the dogs have never been exposed to that. Even after I got Red Dog to come up, she fell a couple of times, was anxious, but she wanted to be near me so bad, that she overcame that. As I was sitting on my bed last evening, Red Dog came to join me and I heard Trixie doing her little dance. But I was busy and not paying to much attention until I felt another wet nose on my leg and lo and behold, there was my little girl, she had heard Red Dog rattling a bag, and guess her curiosity got the better of her. It was an empowering moment for me.
So, I have been doing some research on the Southern Rio Grande B and B, getting ready to start her blog and FB page.
As well as helping a horse rescue place here in Cortez, doing paperwork. In exchange for horse riding privileges.
Today is another good day. We take them as they come. I appreciate these days more and more. I must rein myself in, because it has always been my nature to stay busy. I must remember the Clint Eastwood line, "A man has got to know his limitations." Doesn't offend me in the least the use of the word man. A reminder, baby steps, baby steps.
Headed to Mancus in a bit, taking over some of my sculptures. I know I didn't post pics. sigh
Have a blessed day. Enjoy your good days. Reality is, it won't last, but as with everything, we should be prepared for those days as well.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Its a beautiful morning And what an adventure!
I slept well last night, although it required a med. The wind still blowing, but not as hard. yet. LOL I finally made it out of bed yesterday afternoon. I got out my clay, and created 4 new little miniature native girls. Corn Maidens, they are called. I am pleased with the work, but mostly pleased that I got up and going.
I am going on a little adventure in a bit. I found some cool cowboy boots to use for display of some of my jewelry. I have been making Boot Belts, they are like a bracelet for your boot. Kind of hard to envision. But I think your boot should have jewelry as well.
Will come back and work on more small pieces. I am going to run up to Mancos tomorrow and leave for firing.
Ah, I hear the wind, its beginning to howl, but I am in a better place today. My tools are working, and I am looking forward to going out.
I don't like going out still. Once I am out, I am ok, Its the thought and preparation of getting ready. I have never been a lazy person. I think its still the unknown, what is going to happen to me out there? There it is, the fear, and then I get anxious, and all before I walk out the door. Really sounds unreasonable when I see it in print. But that's how it is in my world.
I think I won't post this until I get back from adventure. I like calling them that, for me its a word of possibly a positive thing.
So, until later. :) I shall go forth and adventure.
I think this may be a teaser, because I want to do a blog for this little bit of heaven in Delores, CO.
I found her on line she was selling small items, and she posted a pair of cowboy boots, for 3.00 just my kind of price. Today I drove over and what a surprise I got. One, its an historical Bed and Breakfast. Beautiful inside, rustic on the outside. Beautiful woman, her heart shows her beauty. Anyway, someone had taken the boots, but I was ok with that. It happens. But what history and exchanging of stories, was priceless. I will post some pics. I have volunteered to assist her, in marketing and social media things. She is a maverick, a typical woman. No offense guys, but woman fight for what is normal for a man to get. And she is a fighter. She has been in battle with the town Fathers who want to not only shut her down, but clear the property for "new development". An wonderful piece of history put on the National Registry of old buildings. Why would someone do that you ask? Cause she is competition, shes is a maverick in a good way, she cannot be bought or run out of town. As the days go by, I will be working on her blog and keeping on with mine.
This may prove to be more of a challenge than I am up to. But, as with all things, if you don't try, you cannot fail. Right.
I guess I feel I have a purpose, not just to help her, but helping her helps me. I hope you understand that we must take these risks, but at baby steps, always remember, baby steps. So today to say, its been a great day, is true. We relish in the good, when we get those days and build memories, to store in our tool box to help get us thru the bad. And I am not fool enough to think this is a cure all to end all. But its an OPPORTUNITY, one that I cannot pass by. All because of a pair of 3.00 cowboy boots. One day I will tell you the story of the leather toilet seat that lead to one of the biggest opportunities in my life.
I am going on a little adventure in a bit. I found some cool cowboy boots to use for display of some of my jewelry. I have been making Boot Belts, they are like a bracelet for your boot. Kind of hard to envision. But I think your boot should have jewelry as well.
Will come back and work on more small pieces. I am going to run up to Mancos tomorrow and leave for firing.
Ah, I hear the wind, its beginning to howl, but I am in a better place today. My tools are working, and I am looking forward to going out.
I don't like going out still. Once I am out, I am ok, Its the thought and preparation of getting ready. I have never been a lazy person. I think its still the unknown, what is going to happen to me out there? There it is, the fear, and then I get anxious, and all before I walk out the door. Really sounds unreasonable when I see it in print. But that's how it is in my world.
I think I won't post this until I get back from adventure. I like calling them that, for me its a word of possibly a positive thing.
So, until later. :) I shall go forth and adventure.
I think this may be a teaser, because I want to do a blog for this little bit of heaven in Delores, CO.
I found her on line she was selling small items, and she posted a pair of cowboy boots, for 3.00 just my kind of price. Today I drove over and what a surprise I got. One, its an historical Bed and Breakfast. Beautiful inside, rustic on the outside. Beautiful woman, her heart shows her beauty. Anyway, someone had taken the boots, but I was ok with that. It happens. But what history and exchanging of stories, was priceless. I will post some pics. I have volunteered to assist her, in marketing and social media things. She is a maverick, a typical woman. No offense guys, but woman fight for what is normal for a man to get. And she is a fighter. She has been in battle with the town Fathers who want to not only shut her down, but clear the property for "new development". An wonderful piece of history put on the National Registry of old buildings. Why would someone do that you ask? Cause she is competition, shes is a maverick in a good way, she cannot be bought or run out of town. As the days go by, I will be working on her blog and keeping on with mine.
This may prove to be more of a challenge than I am up to. But, as with all things, if you don't try, you cannot fail. Right.
I guess I feel I have a purpose, not just to help her, but helping her helps me. I hope you understand that we must take these risks, but at baby steps, always remember, baby steps. So today to say, its been a great day, is true. We relish in the good, when we get those days and build memories, to store in our tool box to help get us thru the bad. And I am not fool enough to think this is a cure all to end all. But its an OPPORTUNITY, one that I cannot pass by. All because of a pair of 3.00 cowboy boots. One day I will tell you the story of the leather toilet seat that lead to one of the biggest opportunities in my life.
What a beautiful place. I am in love. :)
Can you believe that the Delores city fathers wants this to go away, to be torn done?
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
The Wind
I hate the wind, I mean I really hate it. I remember my Daddy going out and sitting in the car every time a storm came up and the wind. I believe that my Dad had depression, with that depression came the anger,I think it can be inherited. The chemical imbalances that I have could well have been genetically passed from him. I just know I hate the wind. It effects me, my moods, my life.
Last night hard wind, could hear it thru the trees, whipping around the house. Dogs were restless. I think Red Dog hates the wind as much as I do. She fears it, she hides.
This morning, lots of emotions, tears, loneliness, sad, not understanding why I am feeling this way, not suicidal, no not that. I am way anxious, like a storm is coming, I am afraid.
Wanting to control how I am feeling and yet not able to. I don't like that either. I want to be fixed...I want to be well and stay that way. Maybe there is fear in all of this. I start doubting my ability to stay well, and yes I am talking to God about it.
I lay in bed, listening to that wind. Watching it blow the trees around. And I do not see beauty, I see fear, I see all the disappointments, the failures in my life. Things that I come to terms with everyday, today is just worse.
Today I need the hugs, someone to show how much they care for me. Someone to hold me and comfort me physically. I need the human touch. That's depression...in my world. Today, that's what it is.
I hope to climb out of this bed later on and do some more tiny sculptures. That is my goal. We shall see.
I have been on Face Book today. I found this interesting article, that I want to share with you. I hope it helps.
bjw
Last night hard wind, could hear it thru the trees, whipping around the house. Dogs were restless. I think Red Dog hates the wind as much as I do. She fears it, she hides.
This morning, lots of emotions, tears, loneliness, sad, not understanding why I am feeling this way, not suicidal, no not that. I am way anxious, like a storm is coming, I am afraid.
Wanting to control how I am feeling and yet not able to. I don't like that either. I want to be fixed...I want to be well and stay that way. Maybe there is fear in all of this. I start doubting my ability to stay well, and yes I am talking to God about it.
I lay in bed, listening to that wind. Watching it blow the trees around. And I do not see beauty, I see fear, I see all the disappointments, the failures in my life. Things that I come to terms with everyday, today is just worse.
Today I need the hugs, someone to show how much they care for me. Someone to hold me and comfort me physically. I need the human touch. That's depression...in my world. Today, that's what it is.
I hope to climb out of this bed later on and do some more tiny sculptures. That is my goal. We shall see.
I have been on Face Book today. I found this interesting article, that I want to share with you. I hope it helps.
bjw
Mental health myths and facts
Myth: Mental health problems are very rare.
Fact: 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem in any given year.
Myth: People with mental illness aren’t able to work.
Fact: We probably all work with someone experiencing a mental health problem.
Myth: Young people just go through ups and downs as part of puberty, it’s nothing.
Fact: 1 in 10 young people will experience a mental health problem.
Myth: People with mental health illnesses are usually violent and unpredictable.
Fact: People with a mental illness are more likely to be a victim of violence.
Myth: People with mental health problems don't experience discrimination
Fact: 9 out of 10 people with mental health problems experience stigma and discrimination.
Myth: It’s easy for young people to talk to friends about their feelings.
Fact: Nearly three in four young people fear the reactions of friends when they talk about their mental health problems.
Fact: 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem in any given year.
Myth: People with mental illness aren’t able to work.
Fact: We probably all work with someone experiencing a mental health problem.
Myth: Young people just go through ups and downs as part of puberty, it’s nothing.
Fact: 1 in 10 young people will experience a mental health problem.
Myth: People with mental health illnesses are usually violent and unpredictable.
Fact: People with a mental illness are more likely to be a victim of violence.
Myth: People with mental health problems don't experience discrimination
Fact: 9 out of 10 people with mental health problems experience stigma and discrimination.
Myth: It’s easy for young people to talk to friends about their feelings.
Fact: Nearly three in four young people fear the reactions of friends when they talk about their mental health problems.
Monday, March 14, 2016
It's Monday....really?
This morning was a "blue" morning. Melancholy sort of morning. Why? I don't know. That's part of depression. If you wake up feeling that way, its hard to grab a "tool".
From the time I can remember, God has played a role in my life. The good, the bad, and the ugly, in me. So this morning, I started my conversation with God, (oh boy, she really is a nut job). :) As I focus on talking to God about feeling blue, I start calming down, and the more I talk, the more I am leaving those other thoughts away. I had a great relationship with my Dad, and I remember a minster telling us that we could approach our Father in the same way. For me, easier cause of the good relationship. Anyway, many many times during my older years as I faced the traumas, I would envision myself crawling up into my Fathers lap and snuggling down, being comforted. Maybe a man would see it differently, what I am saying is, A TOOL in your mental health tool box is a tool to use. So use it.
Its around 9:30 am. I am now up, had my coffee and snack and now organizing my day. I have Facebooked, shared with friends, concentrating on positive messages. Written a note to my big brother, Skip and now to blog.
As always, if you think its a piece of pie to stay well, then you need a better therapist. I will always be in recovery, I am one of the lucky ones, I am not battling a drug or alcohol addiction. So, I don't have those cravings to overcome. I want to be the one who is a shoulder to lean on when they fall, together we are strong. Alone, we are just that, alone.
And we come to the art part. Oh I like that "the art part". I must have things to make me smile, no matter how small. I have been told I have a beautiful smile, and its infectious. Many, many times, behind that smile are tears and sadness, but in that instance, I have passed on the gift of laughter. Its a good thing.
Art, is in everyone, it is everyone. We just need to find out what and who we are in that, and go for it. I needed someone to help me re discover my art. I have always had some form of art in my life. But after the abuser, I may have done a couple of things. But in 10 years, not really. It was buried really deep. Until I found a wonderful place called Art Awakenings. And that is exactly what it did for me. There are lots of people who attended who had never touched a brush, or played in the mud. And yet, they were willing to try, to put in the effort, to be encouraged to have the self worth that they deserved. Everyone who graduates from Art Awakenings is a success. Whether they maintain that success, is dependent upon, their commitment to stay in recover, to have a good support team, and yet we fall. Its such hard work. I get tired, so tired, I have given up, and I had a great tool box, I thought a great support system, and yet I wanted to die, and tried to do just that.
I didn't die, I refuse to give up again. But I must be aware of that possibility, so I keep the Crisis # in my phone. Baby steps, baby steps.
The positive today, Ya its Monday, I am now in a better place than 2 hours ago. We can do this together. My day? More little native girls are going to come to life in my clay work. May you have a most blessed day.
bjw
From the time I can remember, God has played a role in my life. The good, the bad, and the ugly, in me. So this morning, I started my conversation with God, (oh boy, she really is a nut job). :) As I focus on talking to God about feeling blue, I start calming down, and the more I talk, the more I am leaving those other thoughts away. I had a great relationship with my Dad, and I remember a minster telling us that we could approach our Father in the same way. For me, easier cause of the good relationship. Anyway, many many times during my older years as I faced the traumas, I would envision myself crawling up into my Fathers lap and snuggling down, being comforted. Maybe a man would see it differently, what I am saying is, A TOOL in your mental health tool box is a tool to use. So use it.
Its around 9:30 am. I am now up, had my coffee and snack and now organizing my day. I have Facebooked, shared with friends, concentrating on positive messages. Written a note to my big brother, Skip and now to blog.
As always, if you think its a piece of pie to stay well, then you need a better therapist. I will always be in recovery, I am one of the lucky ones, I am not battling a drug or alcohol addiction. So, I don't have those cravings to overcome. I want to be the one who is a shoulder to lean on when they fall, together we are strong. Alone, we are just that, alone.
And we come to the art part. Oh I like that "the art part". I must have things to make me smile, no matter how small. I have been told I have a beautiful smile, and its infectious. Many, many times, behind that smile are tears and sadness, but in that instance, I have passed on the gift of laughter. Its a good thing.
Art, is in everyone, it is everyone. We just need to find out what and who we are in that, and go for it. I needed someone to help me re discover my art. I have always had some form of art in my life. But after the abuser, I may have done a couple of things. But in 10 years, not really. It was buried really deep. Until I found a wonderful place called Art Awakenings. And that is exactly what it did for me. There are lots of people who attended who had never touched a brush, or played in the mud. And yet, they were willing to try, to put in the effort, to be encouraged to have the self worth that they deserved. Everyone who graduates from Art Awakenings is a success. Whether they maintain that success, is dependent upon, their commitment to stay in recover, to have a good support team, and yet we fall. Its such hard work. I get tired, so tired, I have given up, and I had a great tool box, I thought a great support system, and yet I wanted to die, and tried to do just that.
I didn't die, I refuse to give up again. But I must be aware of that possibility, so I keep the Crisis # in my phone. Baby steps, baby steps.
The positive today, Ya its Monday, I am now in a better place than 2 hours ago. We can do this together. My day? More little native girls are going to come to life in my clay work. May you have a most blessed day.
bjw
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Sunday's art project
These 2 little native girls are 1" and 1.5" respectfully. They are still un fired stoneware clay, Can't wait to get them fired and then trimmed in turquoise and silver. I think they are going to make jewelry focals. I have more to come.
So the here comes the art part. When I am working with my clay, the world ceases to exist for me. And that is a positive thing. I am like creating something good, no judgments, no expectations. I am excited to create.
Now, there is going to be a downside, I am responsible to maintain my recovery. I can't help but be concerned. I am using my coping skills and tools.
This coming up weekend I am traveling with my son to pick up the rest of my things from storage. I am excited about it now. I was very anxious, dredging up the old trauma. It is still very fresh in my mind. But pushing forward, baby steps, baby steps. Its been working well for me again. Peace out. bjw
Friday, March 11, 2016
A bit of positive nostalgia about moi......
http://www.codac.org/recovery-stories/
Bonnie W. – Molding a Beautiful Life
Broken Pieces
Until recently, Bonnie W. lived with a broken spirit and shattered self-esteem. Her feelings and outlook on life paralleled the fragility of the delicate ceramic pieces she creates.
Years of trauma, loss and emotional and physical abuse left her feeling vulnerable and alone.
“When I think about the trauma in my life, it’s not like it’s just a hang nail,” Bonnie shares.
“It’s the house burning down, the loss of a child, and multiple divorces…,” she says as she lists traumatic experiences that molded her life.
“Whenever something good happened to me, I would just wait because I knew the other shoe would drop not long after.”
After enduring more than eight years in an abusive relationship, Bonnie fled to Tucson from Missouri with the help of her son, Michael.
For many victims of domestic violence, the decision to leave an abusive relationship can be incredibly challenging. There are many reasons why it can be hard for people to leave abusive relationships, but Bonnie had the support of her son, and was ready.
Even while living hundreds of miles away, Bonnie feared that her husband would find her. This fear consumed her life and fueled a quickly escalating depression.
“I remember crying so much, that I didn’t think I would ever stop,” says Bonnie tearfully.
Her depression was severe enough that, more than once, she attempted suicide.
Mending the Soul
Friends and business partners Al and Bonnie started a new business called "The Art Project" where artists in recovery can have a safe and empowering space to create.
With the gentle support of an encouraging neighbor, Bonnie sought help from Emerge!, a local agency that provides services and treatment for victims of domestic violence.
“When I learned that there were other women who have gone through what I have, I didn’t feel alone anymore.”
Bonnie showed up to support groups and, many times, would just listen and absorb the shared stories of other survivors of domestic violence. Emerge! connected Bonnie with behavioral health services at CODAC where she actively participated in groups, therapy, and received medication support to aid in her recovery.
Over time, Bonnie became more self-confident, learned how to identify warning signs in relationships and how to recognize her own positive self-worth.
While receiving services at CODAC, Bonnie’s Care Manager referred her to PSA Art Awakenings to complement her care. Art Awakenings is an art program that promotes recovery through creative expression and, for Bonnie, was the most influential component of recovery.
The referral to PSA Art Awakenings “saved my life,” she emphasizes. Bonnie found comfort in creating art in a space that is safe, comfortable and empowering.
“When I was with my abuser, I had no voice and no sense of worth. As time passed, I blossomed and began building my self-esteem back.”
Upon completion of her program at PSA Art Awakenings, Bonnie grew increasingly uneasy of what she would do next.
John H. rents space at Bonnie's business where he enjoys creating abstract art with acrylic paint.
She felt comfortable among her peers and enjoyed having a creative, safe place with social support. Her talent as an artist had been nurtured and Bonnie had further developed her abilities in ceramics, painting, and graphic design among, other skills.
“Art saved my life and I wanted the opportunity to share that with others and offer a way for other artists to keep their recoveries going, too.”
Bonnie brainstormed with her close friend Al Alvarez and together, they created a business proposal to offer a space for artists in recovery to create art. Nearly two years of planning later, Bonnie’s dream has taken shape. She and Al have opened a business called “The Art Project” where artists can do just that.
Through Bonnie’s testimony we learn, that as she says, “the thing about clay —and life— is that you can remold it and rework it until you create something beautiful.”
Maybe this will give you a little bit more insight about who and what I am and was.
My lost post from Thursday :)
I hope I am a stronger woman. Each time I find a post like this, I try and save it. Positive affirmation is crucial in recovery. Just like a recipe, you have necessary ingredients, you leave one out, and something is not quite right. Just like me, I have found that in order for my success, I need the following.
God
Art
Support group
Positive affirmations
Peer Support
You noticed that I put GOD first. I can feed the body, but if my mind is not healing. I have no use for the food. I do have God in my life, and then my Art. All ingredients to make me whole.
Since I had therapy yesterday, there are always mixed emotions. For the past few months a real struggle, and the last couple of months, the traumas are still there, but becoming very manageable. Meaning, I am coping better, it shows in many aspects of my life and I love how it is showing up in my art.
Making up my mind to live.....is hard work in the way, of keeping on task of working on keeping my appointments, of sharing all the things that happen, the good the bad and the ugly. It is very important to have a support team. Of at least 3 that know enough about you that if you call and tell them you are in crisis, they will come to you. Serious, yes, save a life, I hope, I never thought that a trauma would send me to the suicide answer. I was doing great. Been off one of my meds for anxiety for a year.. The Art Project was growing, we had great artists in recovery of their mental illness, we all were hanging in there. Art makes a difference. And you ask why/what happened that I fell.
Someone, as we all do, have free will...and a person who decided that we no longer could be there, evicted us with a 5 day notice. No warning, no trying to work something out, no talking except to tell me to get out. I did attempt to call my support team. I did not get thru, and then it just seemed like why should I live, I ceertainly didn't have any value, No recognizable value to the community. All the work I had done for the past year, I saw gone. I was tired, discouraged, my mind just shut down. And so I made the free will choice of trying to die.
But now I live, and I am working hard at staying alive. If this touches any of you and you need to talk, I'm as close as this blog. Please don't give up like I did, We have value, we have worth.
bjw
Thursday, March 10, 2016
It was therapist day.....
I had started a posting this morning. But it disappeared. Probably find it someday. who know.
It has been a great day. Great therapy. Haven't seen her in a month, so we did a catch up session. Sharing with her the positive of the last few weeks. The response to my "Paint Party" was good, and teaching workshops at The Painted Turtle Studio, in Mancus. So, good to feel good, To know that I am putting into action what I am learning with the EMDR.
Got to speak to TJ and Em from The Art Project. They are doing great. We talked about the future, of how they are going forward. And that there may be an opportunity for another type of Art Project here in Cortez. I have my work cut out for me. Although most of the research and paperwork is done, just needs to be organized and then appointments made to present it. Oh,,,that is still scary for me. but I will giterdone. LOL
My new art friend Lacy is moving in 15 days, she has made a very positive impact on my life and recovery. She is a cancer survivor, a very brave and courageous young woman. We are very blessed to live in a world of the internet, so we can keep in touch that way. After all thats how we met. :)
Another reason its been a great day, I am a fan of Dirty Harry movies. And I found a place on line that I can watch for free. Don't ask me why I like them so much, maybe because I was bullied so much as a kid, as the eldest child, it was up to me to take up for my siblings. There was really no one to take up for me. Or maybe I just dig Clint Eastwood. :)
Tonight I leave you with these thoughts. Recovery is always in progress, whether forward or backward. But we always must keep working at it. I do not want that dark cloud of suicide thoughts to creep back into my life. Thats hard work, relearning and breaking bad habits, bad thoughts. And I am going to share a link about depression and how art makes a difference.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/art-therapy-depression-expression-0619125
Peace out and I look forward to another day.
It has been a great day. Great therapy. Haven't seen her in a month, so we did a catch up session. Sharing with her the positive of the last few weeks. The response to my "Paint Party" was good, and teaching workshops at The Painted Turtle Studio, in Mancus. So, good to feel good, To know that I am putting into action what I am learning with the EMDR.
Got to speak to TJ and Em from The Art Project. They are doing great. We talked about the future, of how they are going forward. And that there may be an opportunity for another type of Art Project here in Cortez. I have my work cut out for me. Although most of the research and paperwork is done, just needs to be organized and then appointments made to present it. Oh,,,that is still scary for me. but I will giterdone. LOL
My new art friend Lacy is moving in 15 days, she has made a very positive impact on my life and recovery. She is a cancer survivor, a very brave and courageous young woman. We are very blessed to live in a world of the internet, so we can keep in touch that way. After all thats how we met. :)
Another reason its been a great day, I am a fan of Dirty Harry movies. And I found a place on line that I can watch for free. Don't ask me why I like them so much, maybe because I was bullied so much as a kid, as the eldest child, it was up to me to take up for my siblings. There was really no one to take up for me. Or maybe I just dig Clint Eastwood. :)
Tonight I leave you with these thoughts. Recovery is always in progress, whether forward or backward. But we always must keep working at it. I do not want that dark cloud of suicide thoughts to creep back into my life. Thats hard work, relearning and breaking bad habits, bad thoughts. And I am going to share a link about depression and how art makes a difference.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/art-therapy-depression-expression-0619125
Peace out and I look forward to another day.
Thought for the day decreasing emotional reactivity
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/calm-in-the-storm-part-i-decreasing-emotional-reactivity-0915154
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Wednesday
Today was doctor day. While telling me that I am overall pretty healthy, she asked about my mental state.
We started talking about how EMDR was helping and what was I doing with it. All very positive. She listened to me talk about The Art Project llc. What might be future hopes and dreams reinventing it for Cortez, CO. I think I might at least give it a shot. Get all my paperwork in order, my artist resume. and revamp the brochure. It needs to be updated. The gift of art, is priceless. It touches our lives in so many ways, mostly positive.
When I am working my clay, the outside world ceases to exist. When I wedge the clay, I can beat the clay without injuring myself, or others, And then comes the peace of what am I going to create today.
I finished up some Spirit Dolls that was started 8 months ago. A great satisfaction in the finishing, but kinda sad for me. But I still have tons of projects to finish up. I am good at starting, but really slow to finishing. LOL
Oh yes, we also talked about the "Paint Parties" right now they have to travel almost 100 miles round trip to do one. I can offer one here, in their own homes, give the hostess her class for free, and still make enough to maybe have cable back in home. I like the company of the tv. Also very important to have the internet. I tend to isolate myself. But not in a harmful way. Its going to be about trust, and probably always will be.
I have my art, my clay, my pages that I keep up on face book. So, I am still interacting, just on my terms, and that is ok. Perfectly acceptable.
I am excited to start putting this together. But back of my mind is the dark cloud, telling me its ok if it doesn't come to fruition. Its always going to be there, but I am working my way thru it. to at least give it a try. You cannot fail, if you do not try....You cannot be successful if you do not try.
Long day, but I wanted to post a bit and show you the pictures of the new items. Peace out, be safe, and kind.
We started talking about how EMDR was helping and what was I doing with it. All very positive. She listened to me talk about The Art Project llc. What might be future hopes and dreams reinventing it for Cortez, CO. I think I might at least give it a shot. Get all my paperwork in order, my artist resume. and revamp the brochure. It needs to be updated. The gift of art, is priceless. It touches our lives in so many ways, mostly positive.
When I am working my clay, the outside world ceases to exist. When I wedge the clay, I can beat the clay without injuring myself, or others, And then comes the peace of what am I going to create today.
I finished up some Spirit Dolls that was started 8 months ago. A great satisfaction in the finishing, but kinda sad for me. But I still have tons of projects to finish up. I am good at starting, but really slow to finishing. LOL
Oh yes, we also talked about the "Paint Parties" right now they have to travel almost 100 miles round trip to do one. I can offer one here, in their own homes, give the hostess her class for free, and still make enough to maybe have cable back in home. I like the company of the tv. Also very important to have the internet. I tend to isolate myself. But not in a harmful way. Its going to be about trust, and probably always will be.
I have my art, my clay, my pages that I keep up on face book. So, I am still interacting, just on my terms, and that is ok. Perfectly acceptable.
I am excited to start putting this together. But back of my mind is the dark cloud, telling me its ok if it doesn't come to fruition. Its always going to be there, but I am working my way thru it. to at least give it a try. You cannot fail, if you do not try....You cannot be successful if you do not try.
Long day, but I wanted to post a bit and show you the pictures of the new items. Peace out, be safe, and kind.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
The Stonekoyote
In my artist statement, I have described my art work as a detour, I go from one medium to another. Whatever suits my fancy,
I have had a business called Stonekoyote Design Works, for a very long time. I have never really posted to much info about myself other than my artwork on my Face Book page, until recently.
With this said, my blog is a detour, what ever is on my mind at the time. I hope you can understand and keep coming back to read.
I posted this yesterday to my Stonekoyote page, and want to share it today here.
Stonekoyote is about to go on another adventure. I will be conducting workshops at The Painted Turtle in Mancus, CO. Its an exciting time for me, will be the first interaction in the field since June, 2015. The gal there is an awesome person. And I look forward to a long relationship. We don't like the words, dysfunction, mental illness, it conjures up and continues to have a stigma attached to it, that we should stay locked up, hidden away from the world. But this chicky is not hiding any more. A severe trauma brought me to Cortez, CO last year. Its been a difficult last few months. Lots of therapy, lots of love, support, encouragement. A reason to live. And now this opportunity. As you look over my art, keep in mind, I have a mental illness. And yet look at what beauty I create. Thats who I am, a survivor, I AM AN ARTIST and I will continue to advocate for myself and all of you out there. Do not be ashamed, do not let someone tell you, you don't have worth or value, smile emoticon cause you do, and pass it on. Its a great day out there. If you ever need to talk or just introduce yourself. I am here. Go forth and conquer.
So this is part of a part of where my art starts coming in. I do invite you to come and see my artwork at the https://www.facebook.com/Stonekoyote-Design-Works-120886634666800/
It speaks of my mental status as well
Today is a good day. I have some small clay projects I want to start. I am looking forward to a weekend after this to go to Tucson and pick up the rest of my person things. I think it will feel more like a home to me then. But it has also been a scary thought. I will be going back to where the trauma took place. And I do plan on sharing that story with you. One day. Right now, I am more than surviving it. I am moving forward in a positive way. Have an awesome day. Its suppose to get to 65 here today. I am looking forward to the warmer weather, and the warm in my heart.
smile emoticon
I have had a business called Stonekoyote Design Works, for a very long time. I have never really posted to much info about myself other than my artwork on my Face Book page, until recently.
With this said, my blog is a detour, what ever is on my mind at the time. I hope you can understand and keep coming back to read.
I posted this yesterday to my Stonekoyote page, and want to share it today here.
Stonekoyote is about to go on another adventure. I will be conducting workshops at The Painted Turtle in Mancus, CO. Its an exciting time for me, will be the first interaction in the field since June, 2015. The gal there is an awesome person. And I look forward to a long relationship. We don't like the words, dysfunction, mental illness, it conjures up and continues to have a stigma attached to it, that we should stay locked up, hidden away from the world. But this chicky is not hiding any more. A severe trauma brought me to Cortez, CO last year. Its been a difficult last few months. Lots of therapy, lots of love, support, encouragement. A reason to live. And now this opportunity. As you look over my art, keep in mind, I have a mental illness. And yet look at what beauty I create. Thats who I am, a survivor, I AM AN ARTIST and I will continue to advocate for myself and all of you out there. Do not be ashamed, do not let someone tell you, you don't have worth or value, smile emoticon cause you do, and pass it on. Its a great day out there. If you ever need to talk or just introduce yourself. I am here. Go forth and conquer.
So this is part of a part of where my art starts coming in. I do invite you to come and see my artwork at the https://www.facebook.com/Stonekoyote-Design-Works-120886634666800/
It speaks of my mental status as well
Today is a good day. I have some small clay projects I want to start. I am looking forward to a weekend after this to go to Tucson and pick up the rest of my person things. I think it will feel more like a home to me then. But it has also been a scary thought. I will be going back to where the trauma took place. And I do plan on sharing that story with you. One day. Right now, I am more than surviving it. I am moving forward in a positive way. Have an awesome day. Its suppose to get to 65 here today. I am looking forward to the warmer weather, and the warm in my heart.
smile emoticon
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